Duncan

!!!

My carotid is not your playground

A 370z pulled up next to me in a parking lot and took a picture of both our cars together, so basically my day has been made

Worst part about driving stick is relearning how to drive every time you but a new pair of shoes

Why is it that every piece of men's jewelry is made to look like it's spent 30 years at sea on the hand of a pirate that washes his hands with sand

FFS I just want clean shiny jewelry that isn't overly feminine why is that so hard

Did DoorDash start some weird new policy? I've never had a Dasher message me to say they're waiting on my food and it's happened twice in the last week

And not because the food was taking extra long, kinda just because

My taste in jewelry is far too expensive for my own good

Elastic on the hips and wrists of hoodies should be fucking illegal. Who actually wants that? Why do companies keep making hoodies like this?

Rules for thee, but not for me.

Vacation motto: money's not real and neither are the calories

It is so refreshing to watch a bartender actually shake a drink

See I get the whole "Going to bed at a reasonable hour" thing but then I just end up waking up at 4am because I went to bed at 10 and now I just have to sit in the dark being quiet.

Morning people have been lying to us this sucks

Me when thirsty during the night:
Water, you beautiful bitch. Come quench me with your hydrating droplets of glorious nectar. I worship you, my queen.

Me when thirsty during the day:
Screw you, water, you tasteless dull piece of crap. I don’t want you. Piss off.

*tries to get 8 hours of sleep*

*wakes up after 5*

*wakes up again after another hour*

*will probably wake up at least one more time before my alarm*

Book IG is ruthless. I'm just scrolling through and suddenly I get mollywhopped with a Throne of Glass spoiler, no warning

Heated seats will never not be the greatest thing ever

"I'm angelic!"

"Lucifer used to be an angel y'know!"

#ChristmasClapBacks

"It's been so long, I don't know what other friends do" is a very real quote I wasn't ready for whilst doom scrolling

Fighting the urge to Irish goodbye the family thanksgiving as if I'm fighting off voices from the green goblin mask

I don't know who needs to read this, but read more books. Nothing will open your mind to the lives of others in the same way

C pointers can eat my ass. Dereference deez nuts

How bad you gotta hate anyone that isn't a white man for your phone lock screen to be a picture of the Cheeto man

I've been missing a void into which I can shunt my random thoughts