Dan (vent alt)

-generally haven't worked out well for me even if it was very different situations before.

If anyone reads this thx for bothering with my stupid paragraph, I would like 2 return the favour I feel I don't help other people on here very often

-to actually say smth abt how I feel and now I'm even more scared that I might ruin the friendship if I told her and idk if I could manage with that she's like the best person I know atm :(

Idk I just want to be smth more but idk if that's what she wants and I'm generally scared cus relationships-

-this morning we also didn't rlly speak much which made me kinda worried that I did smth wrong or smth idk what the problem would be I just feel scared that I messed it up somehow TwT the concert and everything before that was amazing and fun but now I feel dumb for hoping I might feel close enough-

I feel weird
I rlly rlly enjoyed last night and what I didn't say on main is that the person I went 2 the concert with I kind of have a bit of a crush on and I slept over afterwards which sounds fun and cool but we got back super late so we didn't even rlly talk before we went 2 sleep and-

I want to crawl into a hole and just stop existing. I can't face school tomorrow, I couldn't even sit and eat with my family without having to go cry afterwards today. I feel like shit and I don't have any good reason why

Maybe my high achieving older siblings made me want to be recognised for being just as good as them, and that behaviour has become the basis of how I think socially to everyone; I want to please everyone. Which isn't a bad thing except when it hurts me. The need for validation is terrible for me.

I'm don't understand why I'm so averse to being disappointing? Like surely only my own feelings should matter to me. But I worry sometimes I don't have much self interest and I do everything to seek other people praising me about it because it's the only way I feel good.

I've not even started back at school yet and I already feel shitty and anxious abt it. The fact it affects me this bad makes me want to just give up on trying so hard to be perfect and maybe manage not to care but I know people would be disappointed and I can't deal with that.

on bad thoughts that I can usually keep controlled but can make me stress and spiral a bit if I start thinking hard about them. Anyway I'm okay rn tho I have some comfort music and I'm in bed.

Sometimes (now) my brain feels like it's going in complete overdrive and especially when I went to sleep it becomes really overwhelming all the noise in my head like songs stuck in it and visuals and thoughts but I think I know to some point how to calm down. The main problem is it makes me stuck-

Hello