pickled demon

I’m officially feeling depressed because of nicotine withdrawals!

The world is full of danger! Ya gotta know!

I’m at the orthodontist. It’s mostly children in here and they’re playing a documentary about John Wayne Gacy Jr. which seems inappropriate maybe?

First day without nicotine in months.
I’m also having bad body dysmorphia and I’m convinced I gained weight and it doesn’t suit me but I have no idea if I even gained because my brain is a funhouse mirror.

How’s it going how’s it going how’s it going

Last time I quit for over 6 months but then decided I missed it, ha ha.

having sex on a first date and I came so hard the scalp transplant I got from a med school cadaver popped off with a boing

I’m on my last nicotine pouch. I’m quitting for the fourth time 🙄

This has happened to me a few times and also with my short story where the main character was based on me—everyone hated them in the peer review.

All of life’s joys and pains will soon be forgotten and you’re left with a bowl of readymade soup that is lackluster until that moment is gone too

Christ remembers that this experience you’re experiencing is unfortunate too (but doesn’t compare to that thing you forgot about)

I just remembered that most of the people who knew I was gay in high school knew because other people outed me without my permission. Time to not think about that for another 10 years again.

Help. Arizona dry weather is wrecking my skin lately. My acne hasn’t been this bad since I was 18. What well-priced skincare shit should I buy?

My favorite songs by bands I love keep changing. I just want my station to be stationary! Is this song good or am I severely misguided?

YouTube comment reading “Sensational. She couldn’t sing her way out of a paper bag but she can certainly “HA!” the birds from the trees.”

I dream that someday people will say this about me.

Oh wow I can’t handle ginseng supplements anymore. Had a whole panic attack while volunteering at an event. I’m home and in bed with a tall drink now. Jesus.

And yes “It might sound vain but I might not survive” is true. Who am when not getting attention? A ghost. I shrivel into nothingness

I think of the Period Bomb song line “I need attention like a race horse needs to piss” often because it’s so me

To add to this, I keep accidentally eating my orthodontic wax during meals. My digestive system wants to have a talk with me. “It’s not food!” it says but I pretend I can’t hear.

Now that I don’t pay for a streaming service I’m listening to music by scrolling on my Instagram feed. I think I’m going to die an early death because of this.

I have a hankering to eat a few bricks of baking marzipan now. Those were the good old days.

Every day a moth bumps into me at least once. I get rid of one and the next day I get bumped into again. I think they’re breeding in here. Fuck my stupid baka life, as Franz Kafka would say.

For legal purposes, I have to say I would not drink the minibar bottles in one sitting

My Instagram is so professional

And maybe that is my conception of a god with some kind of control on the world he supposedly created?

My experience growing up closeted was a product of the environment around me. I’m always, deep down, shocked to learn people from my generation came out at ages I wouldn’t even admit it to myself. But direct cruelty that happens to so many would be unforgivable if there was a god that had influence.

I grew up with religion only to the age I can’t remember my experiences anymore but growing up gay, denying it internally and feeling immense shame made me think there is not a god. And then as I grew up more and learned about other people’s experiences in this world it really cemented it.

I’d rather believe there’s not a god because if he exists, he’s undoubtedly cruel.

I keep EATING my nicotine pouches. I’m not paying attention and all of sudden I’m chewing it, swallowing it and then I come back and it’s like, “What the hell, Erk!!”

This would not be happening if my psych sent my refill for my SSRI like she said she would during my appointment last week and if the orthodontist office didn’t cancel my appointment without telling me. Gotta love their competency!