Block Me Amadeus

I'll get more cookies.

Me: *sits down with a cup of coffee and a cookie*

My wife: Is that a cookie?

Me: Yes, would you like one?

My wife: No. No, just... describe the cookie.

Me: Um, it's a Thin Mint, slightly stale so I will be dunking it in coffee...

My wife: *moaning softly*

Me: Is... is this what we do now?

We have that at home.

Overrated.

I am constantly having to look up who you are talking about and then having to scour my browsing history with bleach.

There was a similar reaction where I work when I announced I wasn't retiring this year.

When some rocket guy hits the moon in the eye that's a Méliès.

You don't have to post everything the voices in your head say.

Naomi Watts with her eyes closed, then with her eyes open and scowling.

When the only person trying to convince the rest of the group that you're the Werewolf finds out they were killed during the Night phase.

I can't believe you didn't know that Caesar played "Settlers of Cataan"

My troop leader taught us how to roll a joint.

Jerry Bruckheimer's "DASH CAM: THE MOVIE."

Gonna slip a roofie in your Metamucil.

A very accurate globe if you are a 9th Century Viking

Putting the "me" back in "meme" huh?

😢😭

constantly finding melted chocolate on myself like a gd Oompa Loompa

No cheating, your last saved pic of a celebrity is your therapist

I’m pretty pleased with this, not gonna lie

Klaus and Werner hugging it out.

Made a breakthrough today...

Remind your mom she still has to buy 3 more albums on her deal with the Columbia Tape and Record Club.
Clock's ticking.

Some things man* was never meant to know.

* Old people

oh no

A post from someone name chromeheart600 that says - and I'm not making any of this up - "Clavicular was mid jestergooning when a group of Foids came and spiked his Cortisol levels. Is ignoring the Foids while munting and mogging Moids more useful then (sic) SMV chadfishing in the club?" which are all apparently words that, in that order, have a decodable meaning. To someone.

When someone shared the image below with me some time ago, I simply assumed that "Clavicular" was meme code for a type of character, like "Blorbo."

Today I have been informed that it is, in fact, a real person.

My apologies to Mr Clavicular for the error.

Currently tiredmaxxing

My problem appears to be continuing to rely on my lungs for breathing.

[When someone hates a movie I like]
Me: It's ok, it's cool, we don't all have to like the same things.

[When someone likes a movie I hate]
Me: WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

In honor of my birthday today, please be nice to someone like me who is also shocked to still be alive (it just keeps happening. So weird). Thank you

Actual commercial break-in while watching "Forensic Files:"

Assistant DA: When they realized how much blood was in the trunk of that car, the police said, "Holy Jesus"-

[Immediate cut to Allstate ad]

Guy standing next to car: My insurance is never going to cover this!

Werner Herzog on the new Nikon D7500 DSLR Camera: