Block Me Amadeus

Nah, mate. When your sweetheart comes at you with a knife, you pack your bags and leave. You can't argue people out of crazy.

Me, bringing my wife a cup of coffee at 3 in the afternoon: Mistakes were made.

Get a room!

A two word horror story:

Carpeted kitchen

A rose by any other @ would still reskeet

bobby hill sitting on his bed, hands folded on his lap

no breakfast, pouring my third cup of coffee this morning

the orange that’s been sitting on my desk all week:

Group chat with "The Fellas": Ben, Superbad, Mike (DNA), myself, Jimmy aka "Mr. Cool" and more. JIMMY: your (sic) ovetinking (sic) it, just grab one theyre (sic) all the same BEN: But they're not all the same. Barbie, Bratz, and American Girl all exist at different points in time. American Girl is about the past obviously. The dolls have histories, and kids play at living in their era. Bratz is about the present. The dolls live in today's world and kids play them as contemporaries. Barbie is about the future: kids play at being an adult (or a 19yo anyway) one day.

"The boys are always in that damn group chat."
"How could they possibly have that much to talk about?"
"Football, beer, and bimbos, I bet."

The boys group chat:

Him: you’re not depressed enough

Me:

Him: there’s no cake in the house

Give a man a beat and you save his soul.
Teach him how to beat and he bang on the drum all day.

You are doomed! Even now everything you ever loved has been ground up and dissolved into the insatiable relentless ooze of AI slop. - All content is fair game. - Copyright laws are powerless. - Creativity will not be tolerated. - øЖИѕ¸©êêЃВРЯныњ¤ëù.

Me: Would you describe us as "happily married?"

My Wife: No. That's not the right word.

Me: No?

My Wife: No. I'd say "Permanently."

Me: Ah.

My Wife: "Irrevocably."

Me: Gotcha.

My Wife: "Inescapably."

Me: Got it. Got it.

This is the one.

Y’all mind if a white boy does a little unreliable narrating

I'll get more cookies.

Me: *sits down with a cup of coffee and a cookie*

My wife: Is that a cookie?

Me: Yes, would you like one?

My wife: No. No, just... describe the cookie.

Me: Um, it's a Thin Mint, slightly stale so I will be dunking it in coffee...

My wife: *moaning softly*

Me: Is... is this what we do now?

We have that at home.

Overrated.

I am constantly having to look up who you are talking about and then having to scour my browsing history with bleach.

There was a similar reaction where I work when I announced I wasn't retiring this year.

When some rocket guy hits the moon in the eye that's a Méliès.

You don't have to post everything the voices in your head say.

Naomi Watts with her eyes closed, then with her eyes open and scowling.

When the only person trying to convince the rest of the group that you're the Werewolf finds out they were killed during the Night phase.

I can't believe you didn't know that Caesar played "Settlers of Cataan"

My troop leader taught us how to roll a joint.

Jerry Bruckheimer's "DASH CAM: THE MOVIE."

Gonna slip a roofie in your Metamucil.

A very accurate globe if you are a 9th Century Viking

Putting the "me" back in "meme" huh?

😢😭