Lazer Cat

Me, picking up a newspaper today.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos, but he always finds them

Mom: i dont like all those weed stores on the highway that are all lit up. It makes me uncomfortable

Me: comfort is a prison that instills weakness

Mom: remember the other day when you asked why youre single?

It's valid to tell people "I have plans" if your plans are to sit on your couch. That's a type of plans

sometimes, late at night, I'll look up at the stars and wonder if you're also stealing lawn furniture.

Interesting ad placement

THE PRESIDENT MUST GO

Dragging all the shit out of my shed onto the yard and sitting amidst it like a dragon with its hoard. Showing my plumage to passersby

I love buying new CNC machines, because it's a guaranteed way of spending $200,000 to have one of their techs come in and insult you.

Bun with a bum

You’re in her dms, I’m crashing my car into a fruit stand during a high speed chase

For all the but how can we afford space exploration folks…this means we’ve already spent more on this war that started last week than Cassini cost in the 26 years it took to build, launch, and operate it.

I now live on big booty Blvd!

Hey y'all, I've moved. Come visit me at my new address

Waking up to check the news and see what the day looks like.

So the tracking issue damages the cartilage? Can it recover? Asking for a buckling knee.

Sometimes, when things go wrong, you don't notice it for a while. But buddy, when you're machining carbon fiber and you're throwing sparks, there ain't no question that your plan has catastrophically failed.

And why just vegetables? Give me pork on the cob or give me death.

It’s actually FEWER Misérables

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, but all they have to drink is orange juice.

I invite you all to follow my leathercrafting account, Boiled Owl Leather Goods. Because my leather goods are tough as boiled owl. This way I can focus whats important on this account. Posting about toilets

Thank you for your service, sir.

I voted four thousand times by mail for today’s town election (my town has 3,100 residents so this should be very effective)

Making tiny helmets and goggles for my rats so I can send them through the pneumatic tube system at the bank

Babe, what's wrong? You've barely touched your existential dread.

"A ROBOT MAY NOT HARM HUMANITY, OR, BY INACTION, ALLOW HUMANITY TO COME TO HARM!" I scream at my Roomba as I trip over it for the 50th goddam time

Some of the pictures are pretty cool, like this one. Probably coulda just hired someone to draw squiggly lines in the sky though.

I've been doing this incredibly simple thing for 50 years. It's not my fault I don't understand the basics.

When I say I'm sexy, I don't mean weird sexy. Conventional sexy, like Emo Phillips.

This reuben...it ain't a great reuben.

That's a shame