The Midnight Society

🖤

see ya there, folks!

Barker: what
King: what
Lovecraft: what
Koontz: what
Poe: what
Besson: no questions please

Besson: oh but there's one thing about these cute gargoyles
Barker: i'm still reeling from the fact that there are cute gargoyles at all honestly
Besson: when dracula dies, they all turn into children
Stoker: what

Besson: yeah these gargoyles are adorable AND funny!
Barker: they are neither of those things
Besson: kids will love them!
Barker: highly dubious
Koontz: i like cute gargoyles
Besson: SEE???

Stoker: everyone knows that dracula's little helper is renfield!
Besson: not this time!
Besson: he's got a bunch of cute little animated gargoyle helpers, like out of Disney's hunchback
Stoker:
Stoker:
Stoker:

Besson: oh! also i forgot
Besson: dracula has a bunch of little helpers
King: oh yeah, igor!
Stoker: no! it's not igor!
Stoker: we've been over this before!
Stoker: igor is from frankstein!
Mary Shelley: no he fucking isn't

Besson: anyway this priest says to dracula "hey you should consider repenting"
Besson: and dracula is all "ok i repent"
Besson: and that pretty much solves things
Besson: surprisingly easy, if you think about it

Besson: surprisingly eventually all his whining actually wins mina over
Besson: at which point he immediately pivots to "no we can't be together, loving me would damn you"
Besson: this is called negging
Lee: bro
Lee: does that work

Besson: yeah so he's got to make a good first impression on mina so naturally he won't stop whining about his dead wife
Besson: "oh wah wah wah my wife is dead, i'm so lonely wah wah wah"
Edward Lee: bro
Lee: bro
Lee: does that work

Besson: so this vampire woman introduces mina to dracula
Besson: this is his big shot
Besson: remember mina is the reincarnation of his immortal love
Besson: don't blow this one, vlad!
Barker: does he blow it
Besson: he blows it
Stoker: oh thank god!

Luc Besson: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of incel dracula
Besson: so dracula goes to a party, but a courtesan laughs at him!
Besson: like, she doesn't even care about his amazing perfume or his $500 gucci sunglasses
Besson: fuckin' femoid!!!

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Besson: that's right dracula develops a perfume so potent that it instantly makes all women horny for him
Stoker: what
Stoker: i don't like that!
Besson: don't worry, cuz i'm gonna instantly drop that storyline

Besson: since dracula has no game, he has to invent ax body spray
King:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Poe:
Besson: dracula's a scientist

Besson: as you know, dracula has no way to attract women
Besson: it's not like he has some sort of supernatural attraction that makes him irresistible to women
Stoker: thank god!
Stoker: i would hate to be irresistible to women!
Stoker: what a nightmare!

Francis Ford Coppola: can he still have the hair that looks like a butt?
Besson: oh yeah of course
Besson: he's not dracula without that!

Besson: ok so the important thing to know about dracula
Besson: is that he has absolutely no game
Besson: no rizz, no drip
Besson: just a real sad sack piece of shit

Besson: i hope you're all familiar with the dracula story, cuz i'm not gonna give these characters any sort of introduction or anything
Besson: by the same token, i hope you'e also all completely unfamiliar with vampire lore because i'm gonna repeat that in depth

Herbert: i mean he might as well convert, what's he got to lose?
Herbert: it's not like he can drink wine anyway
Stoker:

Herbert: i'm just sayin
Herbert: if the christian god failed to save my wife, i would think, hey, maybe consider the guiding light of Allah instead
Herbert: just sayin
Stoker: dracula would never think that!
Barker: hold on bram the man's got a point

Besson: so dracula is fighting the muslims on the behalf of the christian god
Besson: but the christian god fails to save his wife, so now he's mad
Frank Herbert: hmm seems to me that maybe there's another religion here that's being proven superior

Besson: ok so you remember how francis ford coppola's version explained dracula's backstory in like 2 minutes
Besson: we're gonna take 45
Besson: and also include some battle scenes where you can't tell what's going on and all the extras look like SCA day jobbers

Besson: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of incel dracula
Stoker: this is it!
Stoker: this is dracula the way it was meant to be told!
Barker: boooo!
Stoker: clive, stop it!

Besson: like, what if dracula was just a pug ugly motherfucker
Besson: like a real frog-mouthed eurotrash bitch
Besson: a real "vigo the carpathian" type dude
Besson: a real brenden fraser by way of severus snape type

Luc Besson: hey what if i retold francis ford coppola's version
Besson: but made it extremely not horny
Stoker: i'm listening

Francis Ford Coppola: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of bram stoker's dracula
Bram Stoker: no it's not!
Stoker: this is not my dracula!
Stoker: i don't recognize this horny stranger!
Stoker: this is not my chaste, dry-dicked son!

yes

YES!