Donkey Ho Ho Hotay 💩

This feels so obvious that I shouldn’t have to keep explaining it, but if I could go fuck myself, we would not even be having this conversation to begin with

I had a dream that I woke up and now I’m not sure which is which

Welcome to your 90’s I just shit my diaper now here’s a nickel go get yourself a hummer down at the navy docks

When I was 12, Mom walked into my room while I was pogo dancing to ‘2 Minutes to Midnight’ by Maiden and it was a bad scene made only worse when she ripped the Judas Priest poster off my wall and a quarter bag of cheap weed fell to the floor

The gov’t wants you to believe that ‘holidays’ is short for ‘holy days’; but is it really shorter? Join us on Fox News for a hard hitting 6 part investigative series where we’ll show you how to count syllables and blow the lid off this shocking conspiracy

I should clean up my feed and delete all my unfunny throwaway skeets but that would require valuable time which I’ve already devoted to not giving a fuck

Back to the Future 4: Reflux Capacitor

In a nation with more than enough wealth for everyone to be well fed and comfortably housed, capitalism requires poverty for many so a few can experience 2 mins of 0 gravity in their dick shaped rockets

Being put out to pasture would fix me

Erwin Schrödinger: defiantly thinking inside the box since 1935

God:
I love a good joke Donk but you are testing my limits.

Me:
I’m sorry chief I’ll do better…as soon as you come get your mom she’s insatiable

Among the infinite parallel universes with infinite versions of me, I hope at least one of us is sleeping

Me (in therapy):
I don’t believe in the “inner child” theory of psychoanalysis

My IC:
Now reach across the desk and bitch slap that motherfucker

they are hard at work inventing a new type of condom that is shaped like a pyramid

*boops your nose

*mutes your account

My mood needs more sugar. Less salt. Maybe a drizzle of caramel.

WD-40 but it’s my bra size

Refuse to sleep. Ignore your own rules. Defy the cop within

Honey I’m back on *my bullshit!

*watching ‘Christmas Vacation’ on loop every evening from now til Christmas Eve when my ‘Elf’ marathon begins

I didn’t watch the AI McDonald’s commercial, were the ice cream machines broken in that too?

SECOND RESPONDER: what happened

thhe typos stay o n durirng sex

Rereading my skeets to make sure I didn't type them backwards or add my ssn and home address

Beds are primarily devices for keeping house cats comfortable that we just happen to sleep on too.

Anyway g'night y'all. 💚

I am going to watch Bob's Burgers with the kid. It's been a week. You made it better. Peace is coming, I promise.

Can’t wait my son to have kids so i can finally share with him the time-honored Hotay tradition of leaving a fat spliff on the milk and cookies plate for Santa which I’ll enjoy while he puts together bicycles and AI humanoids for the wee babes

Time to start leaving out milk and cookies for the porch thieves.

please throw me in the nearest grease fryer

kentucky fried chicken peace prize

we did a Sesame Street theater production in 5th grade so songs like I Love Trash and 5 People in My Family live in my head rent free.