Toasty Toast

Small 3d-printed dragon peeking around the screen of a laptop and beginning to climb towards the keyboard

Adorable little dragon! ^__^ Rise loves peeking around the edge of my laptop, hehe! :D

I find myself desperately casting around in my mind, searching for whatever magic came together that night to melt away my inhibitions and let me just cut loose. There's no price I wouldn't pay to recapture the magic of that night… but there's also no price i CAN pay to do that. It's not a thing :/

I kind of want to join a community chorus, there's one a local friend of mine is in. But... that's still a group leaning towards performance.

Plus, even though it's a non-audition group (if you want to be in, you're in), still... eventually, I'd have to sing for others.

The thought of it is beyond terrifying to me. I'd rather fall over dead than face judgement for a performance. :\

But holy sweet everloving fuck do I ever love to sing. But I don't want to sing TO people... I want to sing WITH people. But that's not how our culture is these days.

Friends later told me they could hear me from all the way across the burn, likely more than 100m away. When I imagine myself doing that now, I break out in a flop sweat even if I'm being totally silent.

I keep having this awful thought... what if I'm really meant to do is to be a performer?

*sighs*

Last year, I let loose and sang, *really* sang, in front of others. I'd done karaoke before, but last year at the burn was the first time I've ever been able to sing, for real, at my full volume, without shame. The way I've always dreamed of doing, but have never accomplished before.

Follow up to this: I did not mean to say anything negative about my friends here, and I'm sorry if anyone was put out. My friends are awesome and could not possibly do more to make me feel accepted. The problem is entirely in my own head. I never *feel* accepted because I'm always masking.

I'm so fucking tired of this shitty fucking world. I will never forgive my parents for sentencing me to a lifetime of suffering on this shithole planet. No person on earth has ever made me feel welcome or accepted. But of course, *I'm* the worthless despicable asshole for not loving how I'm treated.

I'm very tempted to delete this account. Why the fuck does everyone I know think this is a decent replacement for twitter? If you think bluesky is better than twitter, I have lost all respect for you as a person. This hellhole would be unworthy of being called "beta", let alone release worthy.

How the fuck did anyone with a brain change to this shitty worthless app? Holy fuck. Like, I know twitter is even more garbage than this, but holy fuck I thought people I used to respect were smarter than this.

Oh my fucking actual god @bsky.app despicably tweeted my draft. Are you fucking assholes kidding me with switching to bluesky? Did we fucking seriously switch to a service whose app DOES NOT ALLOW DRAFTS?

Urf, I can only imagine. >__< This month always amazes me, like, where were all these people the rest of the year? The pull of the holidays is just crazy.

It's been really astonishing how much better I feel overall, too. 75+ minutes throws a positive light over the rest of the day in a way 45 minutes never did, even on days when just making it to 45 felt like death.

Prior to this week, I'd only hit 75 minutes once, and it felt like a fluke. X3

RAAAWR!! :D Been absolutely *dominating* my workout this week compared to the previous standard. Tied my previous record 4 out of 5 days!

Then today, fucking smashed it and did a full 90 nonstop minutes! I used to think I'd never be able to go that long without stopping, even when sober.

Love how shiny he looks in the first one! :D So much bigness!

Oh, firefox doing more dumb shit? Hardly surprising. But I'm pretty sure ALL of the other browsers are just different polish on top of the same code.

Your choices are chrome, something based on chrome's code, or firefox.

Is there a browser that isn't firefox or chromium? I'd love to be wrong. XD

Fucking hell. Anyone with an android phone, google recently installed a piece of malware on to a lot of phones disguised as a security app. Then they hid its page from the play store, and removed the ability of people to review it, clearly demonstrating things are not above board.

Fuck you google.

Preach! Exactly as impersonal as cash, but significantly less useful than cash, AND you have to spend some of your own money to use the whole thing!

Normalize giving cash!

*squirms* oh no! X3

Aww. Know that feeling. Much better when the brain is going slow, and music seems all fast and peppy.

Kinda wish operating system development would slow the fuck down. I’d like my computer and phone to NOT change every year, especially on mature product lines.

I honestly wouldn’t mind if macOS/iOS shifted to a 2-3 year cycle. Add updates for new hardware but leave the core and interface alone! 🥺

That was how you knew if you hit the wrong button while dialing. XD

Aww, I feel so bad for Forius! X3

Thank you hero kitty. <3 It's been a pretty wild year, all told, and definitely NOT how I expected the year to go. X3

Life is still a mess, for sure, but for the first time in longer than I can really say it feels like maybe there's a chance it doesn't have to be.

(Sorry for the repost from the other site, but the last 90 days have really been something, and I wanted to share.)

Having...what's the opposite of despair, is it hope? It's hope, right? Having hope feels really weird after more than a decade without. I completely gave up looking for it, but it's always been there, waiting for me to find it. It's still fleeting, but at least I finally believe it exists.

<3

The battle is won,
The war is not;
The dark shall rise again.
But unlike before,
This time I have more.
This time I have a fucking +2 knife of darkness stabbing and I'm going to stab that metaphor in its big dumb face and make it rue the day it tried to conquer Toasty god damn Toast! D:<

RAWR!

Face the fears, embrace the tears.
Drops of grief, effect relief.
Dark not real, despite the feel.
Light not gone, while I fight on.

Truth. Was bad in the 80's too.

Rawr, look at that good boy! :D