-) mimic (-

✦ Pillow talk ✦

thinks about colors

A vivid red balloon dog character standing on two legs (anthro) with a cream/pastel rainbow background. She is wearing black pants that tie at the ankle, wrist bands, dog tags, and a black bandana. She also has black X’s where her nipples would be, however she is not NSFW

Butch lesbian balloon dog oc named Jesus (hey-Zeus). Been on my mind for ages now
#derangedleechart
ko-fi.com/derangedleech
www.patreon.com/Derangedleech

What’s it like to breathe in?
Find a friend and gather with him?
I’m a wolf in a city of women
You only know the light is on

And all those lovers in their velvet gowns
I wanna take that trip uptown
Will you tell them to let me out
When you can see the light is on?

YouTube video by Big Thief Big Thief - Randy [Official Audio]

youtu.be/uusn6wORMxE?...

itd be very nice to at some point feel less disgusting tho, so im hoping thats smth i can work on

so i am like
at the point where i can Recognize that i do that, and how bad it is for me, and how its likely very illogical and (hopefully) untrue,
but like with every other similar thing w/ me, that never Really gets me to stop believing all that wrt myself

and im still kinda stumped on that

so now its just

i can never be a woman. if im ever a woman im just faking it.
and if somehow i really Am a woman, i am a very poor excuse for a woman. i am ugly, creepy, and embarrassing to exist around. no one wants to exist around that. no one can feel safe around me.
no one can love me

etc

and i somehow managed even as a kid to not fall into the "femenine/queer is Bad" mindset, but instead fell headfirst into "/i/ cannot be feminine/queer. im not allowed. its bad/creepy/disgusting/worthy of ridicule and shame if i do"

growing up as a boy where every tiny aspect of how you move, how you talk, how you look, how you think, etc. is all constantly being judged, with some specific metrics checking for how Feminine or Queer those aspects are (and reprimanding if they are), was like. Extremely fucking damaging

it comes from a lot of things i think. all the popular trans political rhetoric, and the avpd/self-image issues make it much worse,
but i think especially the way i (and likely Lots of other dmab folks) was raised is especially like. what results in that feeling

and that specifically other women (trans and cis both) likely find me intimidating, scary, or just insulting.
because like. /i/ dont feel like im doing any of this right. i dont feel like im 'good' at Being A Woman; im just a poor imitation
and so everyone else Must be able to tell, too, right?

which is interesting considering it used to be the exact opposite for me. basically up until the point i realized i was trans, and started actually trying to let myself Be trans

there is this Extreme sense in me that I Am Not A Real Woman, im a guy pretending to be one, and that everyone can tell

theres also the part of like. most of the ppl im rly close to are guys. queer/trans or otherwise. there are absolutely exceptions but yeah.
and theres nothing wrong with that and would likely be just. coincidental, but i do think i genuinely struggle more around women anxiety-wise

- theres a part of my brain thats always going to find Other reasons someone might compliment me (usually "they care/they want to be nice so theyll say things that arent true to help me feel better" etc)
so im just kind of. notoriously hard to reassure or comfort, so thats also a difficulty

anyway
made me think a lot about my own relationship with, all that sort of stuff, in a lot of different ways

like
i never feel like i fit into any communities, so i dont rly have that "in an affirming community around other trans women" part
its also just difficult to reassure me in general -

having a community of other ppl that tell you that youre pretty, that you do look good in a dress, that your voice doesnt sound like a man, etc. etc. is very powerful, and i feel like it naturally can hit a lot harder coming from other women, especially other women who understand that struggle

was watching some video about trans stuff and was kinda taken aback by a rly simple thing they talked about of like. how difficult it is to affirm yourself as a trans woman. and that thats part of how so many communities of trans women end up springing up

but i like reblogging yr posts.. :(((

LOL. im glad

i wanna work on plural stuff more + writing more and that kinda thing isnt rly helping

i have this really bad habit of hyperfocusing on everything forever for an entire day, where i feel like i wasnt conscious literally at all the whole day, and it just goes by in the blink of an eye bc i was (probably??) dissociating the entire time
its a bad habit i wanna break but its hard

Equipment

#glitchart #visual #abstractart #newmedia #design #glitch #newmediaart #glitchartist #audiovisual #touchdesigner #visualart

sending a few that i ended up finding when sifting for backgrounds

are u telling me u dont want to be and/or kiss an armored core? get out of my house

this is all just
aka "i want to connect with ppl who like stuff that i like rather than The More Popular/Palatable versions of my interests that i see"
like. its similar with "no one gives a fuck unless its furry"

i feel like i yell about this once a month, and it is genuinely fine if thats what ppl like, i am just tired of that being the Only kind(s) of robots i encounter most of the time, and the only kind(s) of robots ppl try to Talk to me about

i also very likely do not mean "protogens" even if i think theyre OK

[yelling from the rooftops] no i do not mean "robots" as in "anime girls", leave me alone pls

Would you wear a long tail like this? 🤯
•
#supermotiontail #dragoncosplay #fursuittail #fursuitcommission #tkwaggertail