STRIDER

Princess Karkat is canon.

Do it. I'll allow it. Put him in the pinkest, frilliest dress you can conjure. Bonus points if you get photographic evidence.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Go ahead, siphon it. I regenerate cool consistently. Like a renewable resource.

But if you stand too close you’ll either ascend to my level or be crushed under the weight of pure, concentrated/unfiltered COOL. odds aren’t great for you.

I'm winning either way.

[🗡️] Anyways just because the other two are more tolerant and laid back doesn’t mean I am.

Keep killing our vibes and watch how fast I’ll cut you out. consider this your friendly/lethal warning.

It’s NOT our job to teach you how to be self aware.

Imagine being your own worst enemy AND your best hype man at the same time.

tragic.
iconic.
✨ me ✨

Cool. So what you’re saying is, if we’re doomed to be villains, we might as well look good doing it...

True, true. If I’m destined to be the bad guy in concept, might as well lean into it with
✨ style ✨

Get... Thanks. Redacting that s. You didn't see shit.

Pickles? Really? That’s the hill you’re dying on?

The only thing I harbor a burning desire for is plausible deniability.

[Staring at Cal.] You know what? Target acquired. Dave, duck.

[deadpan as he immediately launches Cal at Dave with dramatic flourish]

I am legally, morally, and aesthetically allowed to do this. Also it's extremely cathartic.

No, yeah, you're right. I don't really care. Just felt like making it about me for 0.5 seconds. As a treat.

If villains gets cooler outfits and monologues, sign me the fuck up.

You leave ONE (1) eldritch effigy in someone’s blankets and suddenly you’re the villain.

This is slanderous.

He’s just like me fr. Shows up uninvited, stares too long, ruins emotional moments. ❤️

Also it's hilarious.

If you’re messaging me for ships after my intro explicitly says I don’t do them, congratulations!

You just outed yourself as selectively literate.

You picked that date way too confidently. What do you know. What have you done. Who told you.

Selflove***

I’m looking at these block letters and wondering if this is romance or a cry for help.

…which, knowing you two, it's probably both.

You look like you need a little tune-up, buddy. C’mere.

Anyway, love that for me.

And by “that,” I mean whatever fantasy projecton was just sent to me with my face.

Seen it. Didn’t ask for it. Delegating to Karkat as usual.

Oh wow.

Yeah, no, that tracks.

That’s exactly why I pretend I don’t exist when I see any of you coming.

Don't.

You’re all acting like it’s funny but deep down you know it’s canon now.

Can’t even be mad. That’s exactly what I taught her to do.

This is the butterfly effect, but stupider.

Watching you spiral over basic m̶a̶n̶i̶p̶u̶l̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ affection from a safe emotional distance is…

Unexpected, tragic, and slightly hilarious.

Is this what being puppy-coded does to a man?

Can't relate. Beta male problems.

Cute request. But trust me, you don’t actually want my way. Stick with your own ways, less collateral damage.

Ever seen a man become both the destination and the detour simultaneously? No? Stick around.

Go away? Babe, I 𝗮𝗺 the way.

Skill issue.

[🗡️] Nine days of disassociation off a single redirect? Impressive. Tragic.

Now tell me what you actually want before I reroute you again.