David Withington

Last night I dreamt that I went to the beach, and the waves were like orange fizzy pop.

I think it was a Fanta Sea.

Last night I dreamt that I was swimming in an ocean of Tango.

But when I woke up I realised it was just a Fanta Sea.

Last night I broke down and asked someone for a hand.

"Sorry, I'm not a mechanic. I'm a Chiropodist,"

"OK," I said. "Give me a toe."

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Dishes
Dishes Who?
Dishes Sean Connery

Khaki - a device for starting a car.

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher.

But no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol.

Just went for a job as a lathe operator.

They turned me down.

Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.

Just switched from eating venison to pheasant. Absolute game-changer.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.

Not to cause any trouble... but shouldn't that be an even number?

Just listening to Frankie Vivaldi and the Four Seasons.

Just letting you know that the Beatles memorabilia store is now open 8 days a week.

Just got my new Huawei phone.

It's brilliant! I turned it on and it already knew my name, email address and all my passwords!

Just found out they're not making metre rules any longer.

Just bought an eco-friendly car.ﾠ

It has wooden wheels, wooden body, wooden doors and a wooden engine.

Unfortunately it wooden start.

Just bought a cow from Argos.

I saw it in the Cattle Log.

Just been online to join Weight Watchers.

They asked me if I'd accept cookies - must have been a trick question.

Just been offered a job at the local ice cream factory. But I turned it down because I don't like working on sundaes.

Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.

Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.

Jamaica cake?
Nah I bought it.

I've written a happy ending for 1984.
It's Orwell that ends well.

I've written a book called 'How to be a Ladder Horder'.

It's a step buy step buy step buy step guide.

I've won a prize...

5 years' supply of Marmite.

It's just one jar.

I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.
It's a Bordeaux Collie.

I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

I've removed the labels from the herbs in the spice rack and swapped them around.

I don't think my wife has noticed... but the thyme is cumin.

I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it's more of a rap.

I've just swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. I can't believe the currant exchange rate.

But I believe its about to improve - I've heard so on the grapevine.

I've just started a new job in a factory that makes chess pieces.

I'm on Knights next week.