CBC News (Parody Account)

#BREAKING The Finch LRT failed to qualify for the 2026 World's Fastest Train Championship, after tournament officials deemed the LRT, "too slow to provide legitimate competition for the other trains"

Canada has yet to medal at the WFTC.

After banning speed cameras, Doug Ford has now floated banning red light cameras next.

"It's just another example of the cities wanting to take money from the little guy. If we wanna stop people from running red lights, let's just make the red lights bigger"

#BREAKING US President Donald Trump announces he will raise tariffs on Canada by another 10% if the Blue Jays take Game 2 tonight.

"This is America's pastime. Enough is enough"

#CBCSports

#BREAKING For the first time in history, a man wearing an Auston Matthews jersey has won a Game 7 #CBCSports

Many public figures in America condemned the shooting of conservative podcaster Charlie Kirk.

"This is not who we are", said people from a country that refuses to stop school shootings, locks up migrants in concentration camps, and actively abets genocide in Palestine.

Ontario is considering implementing a subscription service for "free passes" that forgive tickets from speed cameras.

For $15 per month, drivers will be able to nullify up to 3 camera tickets.

A premium-tier subscription ($50/month) will give unlimited free passes on all speed cameras in Ontario.

While recently uncovered records show the religion initially won over many converts, experts are perplexed over how the sect appears to have completely disappeared after just a single generation.

A group of religious historians have announced a newly discovered fringe sect of Christianity that existed in 14th century Europe.

"The distinguishing element of this group appears to be it's extreme devotion to chastity. All forms of sexual contact were strictly forbidden."

After the 401 Tunnel, Premier Ford says he's going to build a bridge from Toronto to Niagara

"Well I was driving the wife down for some wine tasting, and we were sitting in traffic all day. Told her, this is why I stick to beer. She didn't take too kindly to that, so now we gotta build this bridge"

A right wing YouTuber groaned about the number of "Indians" in Toronto in a recent viral video. Though it should be noted he was at the TD Festival of South Asia.

"This isn't the Canada I grew up in" was a common refrain. Though it should be noted the festival has ran for over 20 years.

Congress is working on bipartisan legislation that would ban showing shots of audience members at concerts and sporting events.

"The Coldplay CEO incident was a wake-up call in the business community. No one wants to get caught like that. This ban might be heavy-handed, but it's necessary"

Pakistan to nominate Trump for Nobel Peace Prize

Nintendo announced the Switch 2 will have a built-in AI companion, Pal2.

"From giving you personalized real-time tips in your games, to beating levels or bosses you're stuck on, Pal2 is here for you.

It can even drive for you in Mario Kart so that you can just enjoy the visual experience"

At his latest campaign stop, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre attempted to clarify his stance on Canada-US relations, stating that under his watch, "Canada will never become the 51st state"

However, Poilievre went on to add that he "will not rule out Canada becoming the 52nd state"

#BREAKING Ontario Premier Doug Ford says his next act of retaliation against US tariffs will be to cancel daylight savings in Ontario.

"This Sunday, if those yahoos in Washington wanna call me up to negotiate at 8AM, well I'll still be in bed. Because it'll only be 7AM in Toronto"

Doug Ford is jubilant in his post-victory address at PC HQ:

"Well folks, any way you look at it, the numbers don't lie. It's a 3-peat. Not even Trump could do it - he went 2 for 3, Doug went 3 for 3. Trump may be sitting on his golden throne or what-have-you, but Doug Ford sits in people's hearts."

"Pushpek is making a mockery of the system - he hasn't paid his dues, he thinks he can just skip it all and become an MPP", Kania announced at his campaign HQ.

"Preserving the sanctity of Ontario politics is more important than the trivial differences between a Lib and a Con"

#BREAKING Brampton West Liberal candidate Andrew Kania reveals he attempted to make a last-minute backroom coalition deal with the PCs to "ensure Pushpek Sidhu [Independent candidate] doesn't win the riding"

Hey sorry for the misunderstanding, this is a parody account. I don't think the real CBC News is on Bluesky (yet)

Valentine's Drama?

A winter storm is convincing Torontonians to stay home this long weekend, but it's also throwing a wrench into Valentine's plans - and rapidly becoming the source of relationship drama.

"It's either I drive 2 hours to see my girl, or catch heat from her. I can't win" - Anonymous

Some of the hottest bars from the new Drake:

"I used to be 7 watchin Treehouse, now I'm 37 smokin trees in my house"

"Let me lay you down slow girl, slower than the Eglinton LRT that's how it'll go girl"

"I'm from the city of the CN Tower cuz I'm big, she call my piece the CN Tower cuz it's big"