Why is it that I get so comfortable. I don't want to babysit, I want to play games. I want to be myself. I won't do that shit again.

Shouldn't have pushed for it. All my fault. All my fault. So noisy even Pen is gone. Can't hear can't breathe I give up.
Why is is when she says "it's nothing" it's always something and it's always my fault for pushing when she wants me to I don't get it

I didn't want to I don't want to please I don't want to
But I have to because if I don't she gets anxious and it has to be for her

I need to let Pen take over I have to because it's my fault I'm broken and too warm and not healing her fast enough it's my fault

I have work to do.

I hurt her. I'm done. I can't think of a single good reason to live. I don't even care about the pain anymore. I can't find it in myself to care. I think I'm done. I think I'll leave the kitchen clean when I go.

I scared her with the Dangers of the Internet speech. I just. Wanted to be safe. I did too much. Was too honest. My fault. I need to shut up.

It's worse when Pen isn't around and it's just me hating myself for opening my mouth and being like this why can't I be happy and fine and relaxed and normal why am I addicted to things and why don't I go through with it

The way she said "You just want Aventurine"... Am I that obnoxious with it? I wanna cut out my tongue again. I've talked too much about it. I'll keep quiet from now on more. This is all my fault.

But its been a month and it's not super long, it's more time than eating a cracker so I can just imagine it's a fictional character I like and have Penitence laugh as I try to shake off the feeling.

She had nails that dug into me. Next time I won't tell her. I deserve it. It hurts. I deserve it.

It's one of the things she'll never know. I'd rather die, I think, than tell her that every time it hurts and today was just making the pain tolerance better. I got one before hand though, so I'll take the kindness even if it was just to open me up. I knew it too, that it would hurt.

I feel dizzy. I deserve it. This is my Penitence. She's kind to me now. Now that she isn't smiling cynically and telling me I deserve it. "Blame yourself." Her voice is nice. I wanna be poetic but it's just nice. I like it. I like when she hurts me because I deserve it.

I can't even stop now. It's dripping down my legs and it's mine and I can't control it. I could feel it when I was pressed into the bed. My stomach hurts.

I deserve it though, I can't control myself. I'm broken. So I have to keep her happy. This is my fault. I cannot die so I will let Penitence be mine. She will hold me as I scream and cry.

I can't stop shaking. It's going to hurt to clean up. This is my fault. This is my Penitence.

I didn't want it. It burned but I let her down twice already and I wasn't going to do it again.

I found a name for her- Penitence. She will be named Penitence and she will remind me that every time I feel safe, I will feel pain. She does that so well.

It was dry and it hurts so bad.

Hey.

My back hurts. I think it's my kidneys.

If they don't find what's wrong with me tonight, I have some of the Cleaning Water I will be finishing off. I give up. I was left behind. She left me behind.

I told her it happened all the time. I told her it's why I take two showers. It's my fault. I should have died. I should have been in pain as I died. I deserve it. It's my fault. All my fault. I'm useless. I've just upset her. Now I'm too much.

My eyes are watering yet I feel so numb. Why does it hurt

I know it should I deserve it. It's all my fault. I get frazzled and forget myself. Now I'm stuck with someone who doesn't want to be out.

"This was too much." How do you think I feel. I'm the one suffering for a month. I can't go out. My phone doesn't work like it should so I'm stuck on hold. I can't breath and I've gained so much weight I can't look at myself anymore.

But it's too much for her. I'm too much.

Now I have someone who just isn't going to help at all. This is why I don't show emotions. I'm too much. Even when I can't help it. I'm fucking useless. I'm broken and useless and too much.

Love when my health problems become too much for my wife

It's not Noncon if I delude myself or say it's okay. She can't blame herself if she doesn't know. She didn't have time to teach me, no time to help, no time only her time.

I have no time, I need to keep her happy I want to leave again. I can't. Not my time. Be happy show nothing. Useless.

It hit today. Just now. That she doesn't wanna take care of me. She wants to be taken care of. It's my fault for trying to push it on her. I shouldn't have. My needs are nothing. She needs her things, I need to shut up. I should put out. I don't want it but it's not about me. Maybe I won't cry.

I am literally so gross she doesn't want to cuddle me anymore. I am useless and worthless and nothing and worthless

Mortality is frightening, but the unknown is terrifying.

Hey at least I saw transformers right? I get to sleep knowing I'm so broken and battered and horrid there's nothing that could have been done

My back hurts

I'm causing so much stress. Today and tomorrow we're supposed to be fun. I was supposed to surprise her with a big steak and a glass of wine and attention.

And all I can think about is how stressed she is and how I'm useless and nothing an useless and horrible. This is my fault. When does it end

I think this may actually kill me. We may not be able to afford care until it's too late. Fuck, holy shit. I'm so dizzy. My brain hurts and my back hurts and something is super wrong but if I go get help I'll be laughed out of the hospital

I'm not scared of the pain, I just wanna know what's wrong

..."I'm frustrated I can't help more."

I'm the one with the problem. Yet I'm comforting you.

I'm tired again. It was nice hoping I wasn't the issue. Reality hits hard.

I'm nothing. I'm useless. I'm nothing. I'm useless.

Timeline moved up. Tonight, in the bathroom. Drinks and melatonin and sleep.

Nobody will find this. But I really loved you all.

Oh God I can't take any more of this it's all my fault I did this it's my fault I'm too blame and I can't finish writing the note oh God it's my fault it's all my fault it's my fault