fagdoka magicum

*loudly bragging* OH yeah???? well MY poops are so creamy you could use it as cement for a brick wall. in fact *waves around* they used MY ass-phalt to build this bar in the first pla-*collapse, followed by loud buzzing of flies*

to fully celebrate international women's day you have to:

-french kiss a girl
-play romantic spanish music for a girl
-loudly objectify a girl like an italian at the airport
-german suplex a girl

Happy International Women's Day to all Honda Fit owners

DAMN IT *waving magic wand* GROW BALLS GROW BALLS GROW BALLLLLLLLS

HRT really does have irreversible side effects like making my nipples soooo puffy and sensitive that getting them hooked up to car batteries and electrocuted sounds soooo much nicer than having to wear a polyester shirt with no bra

I did not spring forward into daylight savings i accidentally sprung sideways and now I'm half an hour in the past so please,,,if one of you could fart and shit a little in a jar and leave it at *reads hastily scribbled note* this address in half an hour I'd be very grateful for any reminder of home

I'm an expert in ball magic

HA HA

did you know your balls are itchy rightttttttttttttttttttttt NOW!!!!!!

best casualty of Woke 2 is people not being able to use "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" as an insult anymore. hell yeah dude I loooove catching bouquets in mid air with my teeth

*strict motherly tone* NO we're not going to the strip club we have perfectly fine shyt at home

yeah its more of a serious of loud sirens and clanging bells and horns going AWWWWWOOOOOOGGAAAAAA

PSA: they've lengthened the scene from sentimental value where you can how much junk elle fanning got in the trunk by 23 seconds for its digital release I swear go check it out and send me the proof edited with a long wet fart sound in there so I can verify

damn girl u suck dick with that collarbone??

genuinely can't stop thinking about it

I mean,,,,,,,,okay

"why would I pay $25,000 to send my kid to college just so he can turn gay??"
"*nodding in agreement* it should be cheaper to do that."
sitcom seth macfarlane welcome back

they snuck it in someone's prison prada clutch

me swapping back and forth between the two funniest shows on tv rn

I also got the license for wolf gang and golf wang is that anything

*burglar wearing burglar mask and holding a big bank bag with a dollar sign on the side of it* uhhhh I wouldn't rob that bank if I were you dude

I got the license to gang bang is that anything

whats a way i can hit my wife when she's trying to say im the hot one in the relationship but not in a domestic abuse way and in a "are you fucking crazy you goddamn goddess mwwwaaaahhhhhh💋💋💋" kinda way

there's no conspiracy theory about the U.S. trying to intentionally raise gas prices by starting a war it's just a side effect of everyone who can hit the "wipe 'em all out" button being mentally 12 years old forever and not knowing bad stuff happens when you slam it a bunch

feeling too suicidal to go to work but not so suicidal that I'd turn down getting a mani-pedi and a makeover with the girlsssss

the money is gone it's literally gone everyone in power is going to mysteriously die in a car explosion with no bodies left behind and two tickets to peru checked out in their name one week ago

*trying to break up with eight of my girlfriends at once* im sorry but this polycule,,,,was really more of a folly-cule 😔😔

your friend who repeats funny BTS stories from movies fondly like they're his own memories will kill himself at 37 but goddamn was he good at talking about viggo mortenson breaking his toe for real