James Blackstone

Fuck, Marry, Kill

like fun size candy, spooky display names are now on discount

Greg: So we’re just not going to talk about it?

Susan: What’s there to talk about Greg?

Greg: Maybe about how you brought home a monster from the Halloween party?

(a chimera mix of jackal and orangutan is chewing the couch)

Susan: His name is Doctor Peppers, (baby voice) and he’s precious!

You seem to be going through something. Do you need a cookie?

whoever falls asleep first after sex, loses. there can be only one winner

Thank god Halloween is over and there are no more major holidays until Christmas

It’s okay to not be okay with not being okay. Nobody’s okay, okay?

All I want for Christmas is for people to tell the truth about the Nerds that get turned into candy.

Someone on my local Nextdoor site is advertising for a "baby shitter"...

Three brightly painted ornaments that look like buttplugs but are - according to a label on one - "eyeglass holders"

OK, that wasn't my first guess

Halloween: like Christmas but with boobs and candy

Syrup is just sugar and tree jizz.

Going to make an app that tells you which house has full sized candy bars. 🎃

Going to have someone follow me around playing the bagpipes so I seem important.

Front Desk of Hell-

Demon: Can’t he go somewhere else?

Satan: Where Jeff? Fucking Arizona?

Jeff: I mean, can we try?

Satan: Listen, until Armageddon we keep every ass…shit, he’s coming…(fumbling with paperwork)

[someone approaches offscreen]

Satan: Welcome Mr. Trump, we’ve been expecting you!

Her: do that thing i like

Me: *goes and sleep on the couch

Wearing wacky socks is not a personality trait.

I’m more void than null.

I am dressed as an anxious middle aged woman for Halloween because that is also what I dress like all year

Stunning to find out the house society was built on was upon sand

her: have you been moisturizing?

me: oh no...that's just pizza grease.

There’s a circle of Hell in the Phoenix Airport. People condemned here committed the sin of trying to get home from a work event during a government shutdown. Their punishment is Tito the custodian singing The Fate of Ophelia complete with vacuuming choreography dance moves at 4 a.m. for eternity.

Been doing selfies wrong this whole time

The very same. Such an informative show.

two boys are sitting in a classroom with the words " i 'm getting a boner " on the screen Alt: two boys are sitting in an auditorium with the words " i 'm getting a boner " on the screen

Same energy

The sequel- Too Big, Too Short

I remember that episode of Mister Rogers Neighborhood

I remember in 1997 i was a cashier at Target and a confident, Joe Dirt looking man came through the lane by himself with only a 6 pack of Mountain Dew and 3 thongs.

🎶Don’t let your son go down on me🎶