James Blackstone

i know i’ll get my hour back as soon as i buy a new one

“There’s gotta be a better way for a person to get ahead in this life.,” he says while strapping on his ‘Big Dave’s Horse Husbandry- Store Closing’ sandwich board.

took that hour and invested it in crypto so come november i’ll have no hours left in the day

classing up “junk in the trunk” and calling it “loot in the boot”

I’m at the age where I look at old pictures of me to see if that mole always looked like this.

Fascist Jesus: “Blessed are the rich folks who paid for the preacher’s G4, as they will inherit the next world too.”

The craziest thing about American fundamentalists is not that they believe that Jesus is coming back but that when he does he'll be like, rich white folks: go to the front of the line

Four months of patience, determination, and the diligence to perform some simple on-the-fly daily calculations, finally paid off this morning when I at last woke up to find that all the clocks in the house had in fact, as I told my wife they would, fixed themselves on their own.

tearing the bed up to find my dab pen

meanwhile it's under my ass

Giancarlo Giannini in HANNIBAL

TFW when you neglect your much younger wife who loves the opera because you have to hunt Hannibal Lecter

Me, as a kid: *used to drink water out of a hose

Me, as an adult: *refuses to drink unfiltered water

Reporter: It would an abdication of responsibility to not acknowledge you’ve spent this entire interview mouthing the words “fuck you.”

Me: What do you mean?

Reporter: You did it again!

Me: (draws a sword) I only agreed to this interview on farm subsidies, Shawn, because you killed my father.

international women’s day so it’s MY turn to leave wet towels on the floor

The “it’s dangerous to go alone, take this” scene from Legend of Zelda NES but he’s charging $800 for the sword.

Zelda pawn shop

Happy international women’s day to everyone except Susan

On this here women’s day I’m gonna say yay me, yay us and 🤷‍♀️ nothing ever change. party anyways! 🎉

IT'S FINE, YOU CAN HAVE IT, I DON'T WANT IT. ONE LESS HOUR TO BE SAD ANYWAY.

A woman representing a punctuation mark saying "you're vestigial"

me at Daylight Savings:

The Lodger: A Story of the London Fog 1927

I watched a 99 year old, silent movie today because I yearn for a simpler time when media was about serial killers and police incompetence.

I got added to someone’s list called techno bros that says it’s a group antisocial people who come out of nowhere to argue the merits of crypto excuse me ma’am lol I don’t even know what crypto is
we got some real weirdos on this platform

a man is walking down a dirt road with a horse drawn plow . Alt: Tevye is dancing down a dirt road with a horse drawn plow singing validation

🎵Validation🎶

My doctor says he’s never seen anyone more flaccid than me and that I’m probably the most flaccid man ever

God: I don’t know where that Eve used to be a rib nonsense came from, but I don’t work like that. You ever look at a cell under a microscope? Or gaze the vastness of space? I did that shit.

Me: Got it. So that’s a no to ribs, but would you like some bbq chicken and potato salad?

God: Damn right.

okay yes I read the invite but this is my wedding hoodie

Walking the dog and fighting the urge to steal my neighbor's fat Sunday newspaper still lying in his driveway at 8:30 am so I can be analog cozy while finding out what's gonna piss me off today

all my daylight saving jokes were in the hour we lost. rip.

squeezing my breasts together for the priest on women’s day bc i’m empowered

When Frankie said, "Relax! Don't do it..." he was talking about folding laundry.

one less hour on international women’s day for me to be wrong about something

We get paid 4% less time, it's actually an improvement