Fransplaining

In hindsight, the “honk if you’re angry” bumper sticker was a lousy idea.

Clocks go back tonight so I’ll be wide awake from 2:30-4:00am now.

It's okay if all your potted mums die before Halloween. You're not a plant killer, you're just adding to the spooky vibe. GREAT JOB!

One scoop of mashed potatoes per person and DON'T WALK ON THE GRASS

Me: Just be careful, people put on costumes and become instant assholes
Bunch of 6 year olds on my porch: …

Not to brag but I don’t have to be a judge to throw books at people

I tried to date a young guy but I said I was gonna pull a Tonya Harding on him and he had no idea what I was talking about

Coworker: I think the internet is down
Me: (already in my car headed home)

What do I do for fun? Well, I like to go to bed early, that’s a big one.

Talked to my daughter that laughs at all of my jokes and I still worry about that one.

Supposed to rain and get colder so I made the biggest pot of vegetable beef soup I could. Hope it pairs with football and beer.

Saw this one on here.

Cold medicine got me loopy. For a minute there, I actually didn’t have anxiety and it felt so weird that I made myself think about the last twelve months and ohhh yes that feels better.

The wind’s so bad today, my neighbor’s Halloween decorations just moved to a better neighborhood.

Cool clouds this lovely fall morning.

Mom beat up a proud boy and wrecked the frog suit I loaned her.

Present day horror reboot of Supermarket Sweep where they go around the store screaming at the prices

Guy in the seat next to me just mentioned Dianetics to his date. Run girl!

that’s a sweet tricked out Mitsubishi you have there what flavor you vaping

*does basic life task*

*Rocky theme plays in my head*

I simply cannot WAIT to go to bed tonight and lie awake worrying about shit I can't control

It’s fine, I always wanted to fail miserably at something

Got a call and thought wow, it’s late, something must be wrong. It was 7:53pm.

Sorry it’s BYOAT

Alas, the hamburger needed more help than the box could provide.

Sorry I groaned so loud at the HOA meeting when you suggested we do Christmas caroling this year.

I was on a road trip today and stopped at a gas station. When I stepped into the bathroom stall, the toilet was plugged into the wall. Apparently it had a heating unit as well as a bidet system. I did not explore the amenities.

they say that exercise helps depression, but how did accidentally sharting on a treadmill help exactly

Me: (checks only somewhat satisfied)

I feel like such a badass

Turns out they don't make guacamole at your table here. No one knows who that guy was.