Raquel Squelch

had a sneeze fit in the shower, slip sliding around like the dumbest Final Destination death ever

Will I get the Fibonacci sequence if I've never listened to anything besides first name only artists on shuffle play

I'm excited for the voyage full of shanties and dazzling instrumentals. It'll be a solo venture of average proportions, but it will be mine. At the end awaits a laser and paddle board, a great treasure

Platonically watching you sleep

today’s workout brought to you by: getting my nails done w my bestie today, still feeling okay from upping immunotherapy/chemo (will up it again next week), all this while still being a hot sexy single in your area 😎😍, oh and a new song by @mike-eagle.bsky.social

i call this haircut “my barber misunderstood me”

Me: Don’t touch me I haven’t showered

Him: When Bonn Scott lined ‘em up and knocked ‘em down do think he checked if they were dirty?

don’t wanna scare anyone but I think this *gestures around vaguely* isn’t working out

Worried about nuclear apocalypse? Worry not: We have underground gambling bunkers.

A close-up of a rabbit with its head tilted, displaying a curious expression. The background shows an outdoor setting with greenery and a building.

The assassin stared into his victim’s disbelieving eyes as the life slowly drained from them, avoiding the blood still spurting from where his teeth had pierced their jugular. Jarred from his reverie by a woman’s screams behind him, he hopped away, a siren rising in the distance.

NPR: And now a story about famine and human rights violations, but first a little jazz.

My current favourite band has a new singer and I have Van Halen feelings about it.

What’s going on with my “boats” and, in some cases, “hos?”

He's going the distance. Away from you. He's going for speed. Far away from you. She's all alone in her time of need. Far far away from you. Good riddance. I hope you've had the time of your life.

I might be in a throuple with my wife and her body pillow

Antiques Roadshow but it's just me cleaning out my fridge

Can't believe the guy who ran on doing FUCKED UP HEINOUS SHIT did FUCKED UP HEINOUS SHIT. I am outraged because I lack object permanence.

Oh, you've got two factor authentication? I've got Max Factor authentication (if my lashes don't look luscious my phone won't unlock)

Why would I, a grown man with a fully developed frontal lobe, care what Ben Shapiro thinks about the new Superman movie

I wandered a bit in the heat yesterday - this is one of the places I sweated

you can’t win Wimbledon without softly caressing a few fuzzy balls

Wake up! It's a beautiful day. Hurry and get inside your friendly neighborhood casino.

Water spigot in a cemetery with caption “just drank soooo much graveyard water”

Gen X goth water

what’s going on with my “the minor fall" and, in some cases, "the major lift?”

My husband paid someone else to mow our yard and thought it was going to score him points

*training montage intensifies*

a large storm cloud hovering in the sky over some trees. the sky above it has colors of gray, pink, and blue

spaceship storm

sorry for growing inside you and then bursting out