Mike Emory

I want to get embroiled in something.

"No true ICE agent" incoming

The specific way you use capital letters drastically affects how much of a shit I give about what you wrote.

Michael Myers drives cars kind of a lot, and it's always funny.

When am I finally gonna inherit an old mansion in the woods from a mysterious relative?

Stop saying "fur baby."

Zebra don't care.

Rich drunk people are the most annoying form of drunk people.

Poppin a couple of melatonys before the dread sets in

When you sit there and listen to music with your friends and they play air instruments to let you know which parts to like- one of the great joys of life.

When you're existing and then you remember that your life is fucked up, about four or five times a day.

Right in the middle of a verse! Diabolical.

Mine was a bit wall-eyed too, but a bit of head smashing and shaping got them in place. Still a bit far apart, but much better. The purple "brow hair" isn't the right length, but not much you can do about that.

The only reason we accept the word "pinochle" is because it has fancy spelling.

The genre of person who lipsyncs along with a live band, despite not knowing most of the words

Thinking of hurting my leg so I can ride one of those little knee scooters.

"Splurge" is such a gross word and people are out here saying it like it's nothing.

Getting A Little Bit of Avocado On Your Hand and Not Getting It on Anything Else Challenge: Day 6,544

That is easily the best picture of a passport I've ever seen.

Please do a Chup Chunklet retrospective.

Been working on that problem for a few years. It can improve.

Today I threw out a box of condoms that EXPIRED 7 years ago. Somebody kill me.

The vicious cycle of always eating the stuff in your fridge that will go bad soon before you eat the new stuff, thereby ensuring that you never eat fresh food

Italian women in the 1960s are the hottest form of human.

Scrappy Dooby Doo

Why do some people smell like sausage

Artichokes are the vinyl records of vegetables.