Ngina Otiende | Marriage Coach

My church told me not to "date."
To "court" instead.

What they didn’t tell me was that "courtship" was just dating with more rules, control and everyone in your business.

Judas man stole, lied, and sold out his friend and rabbi. His is not a typical surface-level hurt between good folk.
Christians need to get it right
Read the new blog post "Why You Dont Have to Eat with Your Judas" 👇🏽
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Jesus Loved Judas and You Can Set Boundaries with Your Judas Jesus loved Judas and so should you is a common theme in many Christian places of worship during Easter. Here are 4 things we must remember

Why you don't have to eat with your Judas 👇🏽 #easter
intentionaltoday.com/jesus-loved-...

If your partner fails to respect your dignity, needs & boundaries, and their behavior does not reflect a willingness to learn & grow, prioritizing YOUR OWN health is an essential next step.
It ceased to be a team when one person chronically injured the other & refused to engage in growth and repair.

For women who are frustrated with bad theology and church culture being used to justify their painful experiences: intentionaltoday.com/courage-refl...

Pandering to one person just so
they won't have to change isn't good for anyone.
Get Courage: for women who are tired of absorbing all the responsibilities of relating while their partner enjoys the benefits. You deserve better. intentionaltoday.com/courage-refl...

In marriage, the answer
isn't always "let's work
through this." Sometimes the answer is "let me explore what
peace and safety looks
like for me." Read the blog post: When a Spouse Won’t Address Harmful Character Issues intentionaltoday.com/character-is...

Once we familiarize ourselves with the baseline of virtue that even non-religious people achieve without sweating we’ll start to recognize when spouses have no high values to begin with.
Check out The Newlyweds (for dating, new and maturing couples) here 👇🏽
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I don't "fix" everything I come across but this thinking I see often.

For a healthy, balanced view of marriage and relationships, check out my book! amzn.to/4gxBdxC

I once believed complementarianism was God's design for marriage.

I no longer believe that.

I no longer believe that women are mere followers and men should carry the entire marriage on their shoulders.

Here's why 👇🏽
intentionaltoday.com/are-gender-r...

Gen 2:23 is not an announcement of male superiority. You can create a happy, healthy marriage..without hierarchy, gender roles, 24/7 sacrifice or the death of your personhood. Check out my new book, The Newlyweds! amzn.to/3v0Hf7T

Just because it’s in the Bible doesn’t mean it’s instructive.

Excerpt, from my book Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul 👇🏽
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The capacity to be kind, thoughtful, generous, respectful, honoring, helpful & humble is in all, not just some of us.
The Newlyweds addresses patterns of hardheartedness without sugarcoating the issues & offers insights into how kind-hearted spouses can grow AS EQUALS. Check it out amzn.to/4gxBdxC

Courage: Reflections and Liberation For the Hurting Soul Courage: Reflections and Liberation For the Hurting Soul - Kindle edition by Otiende, Ngina. Religion & Spirituality Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

her moving out of the way and letting her spouse meet the consequences of his behaviors and beliefs;

Excerpt, Her Strength poem, from the book Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul.
4/4
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When she’s unsafe, unseen, unheard—when
something needs to shift in the relationship, it’s in
her boundaries; her giving herself permission to
acknowledge her needs and embrace her limitations;

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It’s not in how she glows as she shrinks her needs and expands her limits to accommodate endless depleting demands “while keeping the faith.”

The strength of a woman is not just in her “Yes.” It’s also in her “No.

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The strength of a woman is not in how well she adapts to a one-sided marriage or endures a chronically immature connection.

Her strength is not in how sweet and respectful she remains while disrespected and dishonored.

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Its the women who are supposed to sacrifice their joy, their soul, their integrity, their expectations, their hopes, their dignity, their sense of belonging, their safety. Let's talk about why we need to retire harming marriage narratives👇🏽
intentionaltoday.com/why-viewing-...

Love is not self-serving.

Love does not exalt wickedness.

Love is accountable.

Love rejoices in integrity.

Love always shields and keeps from harm.

Our values were never supposed to cause or perpetuate harm.

Read more 👇🏽
intentionaltoday.com/courage-refl...

Love is accountable.
Love rejoices in integrity.
Love always shields and keeps from harm.

Our values were never supposed to cause or perpetuate harm.

Read more: Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul. Available on Amazon.

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"Deep down, they mean well; they just need a little support."

So Christian environments become a haven for chronically irresponsible people because Christians are bad at inspecting character.

But
Love is not self-serving.
Love does not exalt wickedness. (Cont)

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By default, Christians give the benefit of the doubt:
When we see a struggling marriage, we think, "Oh, they are just dealing with the same issues as everyone else, and if others have overcome them, they can too." When someone is reported as chronically irresponsible, we think, (cont)

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the other through coercive control, exploitation, or even threats of violence, whether made explicit or implied.

I explore boundaries in my new book The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality, Health and Happiness in Marriage (see chapter on Communication and Conflict.)

Available on Amazon.

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Expressing boundaries is effective only if the person with infringing behavior isn't an exploiter, user, or abuser.

A boundary conversation is not safe to have when one person feels entitled to exercise power over (cont')
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31 Signs You Love Marriage More Than The People Do you love marriage more than people? Are you concerned with the survival of the marriage, more than the welfare of the individuals?

5. You consider people who call out unhealthy marriage messages and teachings divisive.

Read the rest 👇 3/3
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3. “God hates divorce,” is your entire theology on divorce and marriage.

4. You are happily married and want to champion healthy marriages but are unwilling to step outside your healthy-marriage-silo and learn about abuse, trauma, controlling, and neglectful spouses.
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31 signs you might love marriage more than the Individuals in the marriage;

1. Your only or primary instinct is to reconcile a couple, not check up on their individual health.

2. You believe the marriage institution is under severe attack and we should do everything to keep people together.

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Thank you for sharing! ❤️

Are Men and Women More Different Than Alike in Relationships? Are men and women more different than alike in relationships? Popular evangelical teachings often portray them as two distinct species.

4. Wives are not to be trusted with the truth about a husband’s pornography use and addictions because she’s overly emotional. (Stephen Arterburn, Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle.)

Phew

Let's explore a healthier view of relationships. 3/3
intentionaltoday.com/are-men-and-...