Mr Quiggle

ME: if pee comes out of a penis then a butt should be called a poonis

DR: okay fine stop sticking things up your poonis

My friend is so argumentative: he'll argue up is down and down is up. But then, he is an Australian bat.

@helenlohara.bsky.social Hi Helen, I have a question for the pod:
To make up for the overwhelming volume of lacklustre live-action remakes, you are allowed to pick any live-action film and Disney will turn it into an old-school, hand-drawn animated family classic. What film do you choose?

I like my beer how I like my men; strong, dark and huge penises.

Chihuahua? Chika-wa-wa!

Bichon Frise? Bichon Frisky!

Labrador? Labra-phwoar!

If Beyonce gets away with singing for 'All the single ladies' while married, I'm dedicating my next song to 'All the well-hung gentlemen.'

Cunnilingus: easier done than said.

My wife insists that our new son will receive most benefit from her natural breast milk. Yet when I offer my natural penis milk...

Your mother is so fat, it wouldn't be appropriate to make fun of her.

Top 3 best-selling brands of toilet paper in England:
1 - Smears Ultra
2 - Princess Di Wipes
3 - Ignorant Bliss (red toilet paper)

ME: [looking at a drawing my 5 year old made] wow that's an awesome..... Shrek??

HER: DADDY! IT'S YOU!

ME: wow. ok seriously, fuck you

I know Southampton were better second half there, but the only way Liverpool could have been more disrespectful with their substitutions would have been to replace Kelleher with an empty packet of crisps. #LFC

Got to entertain a couple of teenagers this weekend. They're still into battered porn mags found in a bush, and sniffing glue, right?

Finally taught myself to shit out my dick. Unfortunately, I'm now spending almost all my time turning down offers to audition for the next series of Britain's Got Talent.

She's got the body of Venus, the mind of Aristotle and the spirit of Keir Starmer.

Should I be worried how unfeasibly massive my friend's shween is? Asking for a friend.

Unpopular opinion: I like cancer.

Sorry I got drunk and dry humped your inflatable snowman.

I’ll patch him up.

I'm a lover, not a fighter. My self-defence technique involves humping the attacker's leg until completion.

Really pissed off I can't shoot lasers out of my arse. Might get the 2,948,748 who signed the petition for another general election to start one for me.

After the 3 wise men visited, Jesus was attended to by the 3 dullards, bringing gifts of watch batteries, Zippo lighters and those sweets that look like cigarettes.

Well still managed to enjoy that game, despite Neville's best efforts! So far, soooo good! #LFC.

How do I sign the mother-in-law up for this assisted dying bill then? #good70shumour

Ye ma's fanny's seen so much action, it's got a thousand yard stare.

My wife is like a fine wine, refining delicately as she ages. Also, she's locked in the cellar.

Film mashup time; Kindergarten RoboCop.

Ironically, 'The One and Only' by Chesney Hawkes is a song about one-hit wonders.

Accidentally pressed ALT and > on my keyboard, now I own shares in Wetherspoons.