Ezekiel Oleander (After Dark)

I can't wait for clothes to fit better. Once the swelling goes down, my belly may not look as bloated. I'm 270 pounds and I want to lose like 75 of it. Maybe it will be easier without my uterus, ovaries, etc. poisoning me.

My tummy with incisions healing from my hysterectomy.

My incisions are still doing well.

#hysterectomy #bellypic #ftmpride #autisticjoy

#Nsfwsky #nsfwreal #nsfw #nsfw #goonsky #nsfwbluesky
#nsfwbsky #buyingcontent #sellingcontent #paypig #slut #horny #thick #grabmyass #spankme #porn #milf

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Like 42 million other Americans I am about to lose my SNAP benefits.
This leaves my disabled ass with 5,400 $ a year to live on.

Please consider supporting my work. All of our books can be found at the shop at the link.
Thank you. Other shop links in profile.

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My incisions right after a hysterectomy.

Here's my post-surgery celebration picture. I wasn't expecting my incisions to look this nice.

#hysterectomy #FtM #autisticjoy

a tasteful nude of myself

🥰

#ftmjoy #ftm #nudesky #autisticjoy #bodypositive

face selfie

Gotta check in for surgery in about 5 hours. Trying to distract myself from the food/water I would like to have. They said nothing after midnight. It's almost 4am right now.

Have a selfie. ❤️

#jocktober Costume edition.

No, this is ✨️𝓹𝓪𝓽𝓻𝓲𝓬𝓴✨️

Wiccans and other types of witches/magick are pretty awesome. The lady who hired me to do care work is Wiccan. She's extremely patient and giving. It's one of the most healing friendships I have right now. ❤️

I don't even lust for him anymore. I usually respond out of guilt/pity. There was a time I was hurt he'd fuck all these people but not me, however, that was simply the feeling of being dissed by a loser. I hope he'll go away! I want peace the most. I don't think he can offer that.

I see clearly some of the roles I'm playing in my own suffering. I'm ready to grow. I'm ready to take my power back. This phase of my life is about me and my healing. I'm pretty fed up with people pleasing. I'm going to make choices that honor my future. I need to invest more in myself. ❤️

My money is mine!
End of story. 😡

My time is more valuable than how he treats me. I'm tired of him acting like I'm not beautiful or talented enough and I'm only good for money. He's such a leech, ugh.

There's more to life than sex, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't value my pleasure. I used to be a sex worker. It hurts my self esteem that someone doesn't want me for who I am and just sees me as a talking wallet. I'm used to being paid for MY time which he clearly won't respect. 🤔

This "relationship" doesn't meet my standards at all. I don't want to be with him. I want someone who will strive for things with me, nurture my creativity, and travel the world together.

I also want sex.
I'm a really physical person.

No shame in my desires either.

I'm pretty sure less people will buy my artwork if I continue this destructive cycle, too. It's not fair to my supporters. They expect that money to go to things for me. I live below poverty level anyway. I am not an appropriate avenue of help!

All he's doing is trying to take resources from me that could be better used for coping with the fact I don't have a spouse to lean on during the aftermath of my surgery. I would rather buy edibles and door dash with whatever I have to spare. I'm sick of people begging off me.

I usually don't get that mad if a partner or whoever refuses me intimacy, btw. There are many reasons someone might not be up for that, but again, he has sex with other people and spends hardly any time with me. I wish he would have them pay for him to exist. I deserve more respect than this.

I'm going to have my therapists help me navigate establishing more safety for myself. I tend to just talk to this person when I feel neglected by my real friends. He seems to be a self harm method for me. I even consider him a barrier to true intimacy, honestly. No one reasonable wants him around!

I want real connections that aren't transactional. I want to be loved for who I am, not what benefits I offer.

He even went and had a baby with some dumb chick who contributed to the narrative I'm less worthy of love because I am disabled.

Why can't *she* help him?

The one time I had sex with this person? I wasn't even in a state to offer consent. I'm not saying he's a rapist (at least not in this situation) but I was really drunk, manic, etc. This was in late 2017 and he seems more interested in girls who will slam meth with him all day without questions. 😔

This will make me seem like a dick, but I don't see why I should help him anymore. At all. His life matters to me but I am tired of being exploited. He hasn't touched me in years. I want a partner who values my pleasure and wants to get money with me, not from me. He fucks other people, btw. 😊

CW: financial abuse.

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My ex situationship called 6 times this morning for "help." I'm a lot less interested in him anymore because it seems like all he wants to do is milk me for cash. I am not into the whole pay pig thing. I'm appalled he's pulling this crap two days before my surgery.

They're alone together and really needed to relieve some stress. Can you blame 'em?
#catnap #dogday #daynap #smilingcritters #Nsfw

I am glad I'm out of whatever manic type thought train had me convinced I want to be canonized as a saint someday. Living for yourself is important too. Yes, it's important to not be completely self serving. Service is a big part of a meaningful life but you can't pour from an empty cup.

I hope my next relationship is with someone who enjoys running errands with me. Especially grocery shopping. If they don't like to get food with ya, it's not meant to be! lol

Other topics I'm re-kindling an interest in are shamanism, tantra, reiki, and death doula stuff. 🙏 I feel like spirituality is an all you can eat buffet. I don't want to just order from only one menu!

I want to join a church that doesn't think I'm "sinning" or consider BDSM to be "sexual misconduct."

I still want to get a pup hood and find a handler and other pups to play with. I want to also get more gear for domming someday. I'm a switch, lol.

I think I am still poly too!

I probably won't ever be completely Christian in any sense. I just can't limit myself like that. I love the teachings of Christ and accept his grace in my life, but there are all sorts of other deities who actually helped me over the years. I guess it's alright there is no easy answer.