紫煞🪻Zǐshā

You do not get to ruin my mental health so bad that I lose 25lbs in a month and then keep ruining my mental health for multiple years, and then enjoy the very specific fictional characters YOU AREN’T ALLOWED I HATE YOU YOU DON’T DESERVE HIM HE’S MY GEGE

crash out not over but shutting up for now

Crashing out on a sunday night because SHE’S NOT ALLOWED TO GET INTO HYPERFIXATION if she’s going to fucking wrong and still be so fucking awful years later and just as borderline sinophobic about “gege” being nc3st as she was years ago about sworn brothers supposedly being the same thing

She was legit only added to the chat a day and a half prior to immediately getting messy and I was just like… lol yeah nah I don’t need this kind of high school BS

But for real, I appreciate it ;_; if she tries to pull up on me again tho, that fight energy will come out

I’ve legit been biting my tongue so hard for days. This girl straight up posted this in her IG stories. We know absolute jack shit about each other and she’s not worth my time or energy, but she sure went on a puritanical tirade on me

I guess I shouldn’t have called Caleb “Gege” either 🙂 sorry idk how to make my keyboard do the proper pinyin

legit things were very good for all of three weeks and then immediately got very bad with the addition of this one person who knows nothing about me beyond my first name and which LI I main

Wanting to share this PHENOMENAL piece of art with Caleb as an ancient Chinese war general because holy shit if we ever get a historical multibanner I will scream

but then remembering our chat now has someone in it who has something against “the white one” who shouldn’t talk about Chinese culture 🙂

There is no shortage of healthy m/f content out there and let’s not pretend there aren’t dark themes already in l@ds. And if they add darker themes, the wholesome tender LIs aren’t going anywhere

And just like that I want Caleb to be more of a red flag.

“There’s no room for a dark love interest/enemies to lovers romance in l@ds because this is a safe space for women”

Huh… fake a smile. I respect all opinions but that’s pretty subjective. Whatever.

“But I’m a cishet woman so I value having a space for healthy m/f relationships.”

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

which is to say, doubled my sad med, and just picked up a steroid to see if it can keep me from going deaf and oh hey, waiting on blood work to tell me if the random issues are an autoimmune disorder, and regardless I’m gonna go back after that and see about treating it

I am capable of continuing to push forward. Resilience has always been my strong suit. But it doesn’t mean I want to. But at the same time I do need those little pushes that hey, here’s something to help, it’s okay to accept so the push forward isn’t quite as tedious

My kink is very quickly becoming yeeting myself out of fandom spaces the moment I get uncomfy. catch me only existing in dms and private friend servers and occasionally popping my head in once every full moon to the non-problematic spaces to say one thing and disappear again

“That client that made you cry three days in a row a couple weeks ago is really questioning the effectiveness of organic social in terms of pushing sales”

tell them to suck a dick because that’s not how *organic* social works

I am not 🙂 being paid enough 🙂 in this freelance job 🙂 to sit through 🙂 in an hour long cameras on meeting 🙂 only to start sobbing 🙂 the moment I close the meeting tab 🙃

I’m so tired of learning experiences and “this isn’t forever but you’ll be stronger when you get through it”

I don’t need to be stronger. I’m tired of being strong and resilient. I’m fucking tired.

Screenshot from love and Deepspace of a reminder from the character Sylus that says “reminder: don’t kms. You can hang out here just don’t forget it.”

Thanks for the reminder I set yesterday Sylus. It’s more relevant now than it was then

Because like… don’t fucking ping me on slack on Saturday and say some shit that sends me into a panic attack

Probably because I’m expected to do a lot fucking more work and handle way more accounts and do it all working less hours in a day and with no employment benefits. Not that this level of stress would be made better by pto or insurance

Tell me why tf this part time freelance gig is doing so much more fucking damage to my mental health than my full time job did

Screenshot from Love and depressive - I’m not gonna fix that autocorrect sorry

Screenshot from Love and depressive - I’m not gonna fix that autocorrect sorry

Caleb and MC were NOT impressed by the stupid text stunt she pulled yesterday.

Lads images of Caleb and my MC being bitchy is me being passive aggressive and shading her to get that shit off my chest.

At least that would explain how she found out I got laid off despite me never telling her

I should block everyone I don’t know who follows my “not a real person this is just for shit I’m actually interested in” ig account. But low key I’m hoping the account very straight forwardly named “finsta” that views all my stories is my ex best friend and that she realizes that my stupid

I AM SO FUCKING CONFUSED BY THIS COMPANY I STG

MOTHER FUCKING COMMUNICATE

Sibling solidarity is my big brother and baby sister calling me and wishing me a happy Father’s Day because I’m not the step dad, I’m the dad that stepped up

Love those assholes so much

So anyway, still happy birthday Caleb! Even if it was two days ago, it’s still more important than anything going on today!

Was gonna make a post yesterday about how the birthday of the fictional man I became obsessed with a month and a half ago was more important than my former best friend’s birthday that was coming two days later. Didn’t even realize it was father’s day on top of that

Also I just gotta say. LA proving again for the second time this awful fucking year why I love it so much. The community here is everything.

Calling Gavin Newsom the child of Regina George and Patrick Bateman is my new favorite analogy. Thank you man on IG. He’s a psycho bitch but he’s our psycho bitch

> opens up the stupid app
> Caleb: I’ll remember in case you forget
> me: aww that’s cute
> me: …
> me: <literally screeches so loud once I realize that my partner has to come check if I’m okay>

Baby sister is currently only an hour and a half away from me while I’m laying in bed writing sad things because sad. But I hope she’s at least having a good time and maybe falls in love with California so she’ll want to move here.