Sam Allen

I’ve hit the Live. Laugh. Love. phase of puberty.

i keep hitting the snooze because it makes my life feel like an action movie every five minutes

is Jim Bean and Jim-my Dean the same person, or are they two kids dressed in a trench coat playing James Dean? — asking for a bourbon breakfast sausage cineophile

puns are always appropri—

Completely reverses decades of scientific “eat shit and die” insults

Headline from NBC News Boston sating that a man, 34 had tooth implanted in eye to restore his vision

Not to be outdone, man, 36, has foot implanted in ass to teach lesson

‘George!? Who the hell is George?’ - me 300 pages into a book about George Washington

A headline that reads, “over the counter nasal spray reduces the risk of COVID-19 infection by 70” and an image of a side profile face with a hand and a nasal spray apparatus at the persons nostril

“omg this is great news!!!” - someone from five years ago

A new survey says that 75% of parents with multiple children have a favorite child—and the other 25%, well they’re GODDAMN LIARS!

‘Oh no! they’re gonna find out I got my tent from REI’

Like in the alleyway standing around the barrel fire thinking, ‘I hope i fit in’

Do homeless people get imposter syndrome?

I love walking through spiderwebs because it makes me feel like an explorer

A society grows great when old people plant mountains whose fruit they shall never sit in

everyone wants to know what's in big beautiful bill, but nobody asks 'how is big beautiful bill?'

everyone’s a partial nudist

it’s easy to tell the truth when you don’t know anything

yes, limewire strikes again

that awkward moment when you realize your favorite Weezer song is actually by Wheatus

about 100 days ago Trump swore to protect and defend the constitution, but now he says he doesn’t know if he has to— kinda like walking into a room and forgetting why you came in, but for like, the presidency

“I was catfished by an actual catfish” - some worm probably

listening to music makes me feel like i have friends

shout out to Conclave for spoiling real life

if you’ve never been bullied, you’ve never had autism

how I tell people I met my girlfriend:

me: hey!
her: ho!
both: let's go!

“how about this time we buy a van and we DON'T take out the back seat. We always need a back seat and we never have one.” - overheard at a Third Eye Blind concert

miss when the news was all,
'here's Jesus' face on a piece of toast'

and he's calling somebody for help

say what you want about his politics, but his work-life balance is unmatched

A picture of a candle called “Go Getter” with a description saying, “Featuring Bubbly Notes of Champagne And Success”

this candle lights your apartment on fire every morning at 4am to get you out of bed