SpecialKimtamine™ 🚩🏴‍☠️🇮🇹🇺🇸

It's okay to not be okay.

Just know that people don't like it when you do that, though.

What Bed Means To Me

always think to myself “how do they know?” anytime anyone calls me bologna breath

Turns out "jumping jack flash" is not a set of instructions.

Turns out they don't make guacamole at your table here. No one knows who that guy was.

I love that happiness is so elusive, but you can find disappointment absolutely anywhere.

Nothing like a cat puking on your feet to get you up

him: i’m going to send you a sexy selfie
me: why, are you eating soup

The mystery of Tennessee is what ever happened to One through Ninnessee.

the problem with teaching kids the importance of sharing is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

an elderly man in a suit and tie is making a funny face in front of a window . ALT: an elderly man in a suit and tie is making a funny face in front of a window .

When all you want to do is praise the lort but people misunderstand you

Overheard a woman telling another woman "It's $150 and she supplies all the booze" and whatever "it" is, I'm in.

You talk the talk of shame but can you walk the walk of shame?

Can I have everyone's attention please?
Thank you.

Asked to leave Yoga for saying "that's a stretch" six times

You should try sitting with the sky and the stars

I hated so many fewer people a year ago.

Food poisoning can mean whatever you want it ptomaine.

Every pleasure can be a guilty pleasure if your anxiety is high enough

Nice titmouse. Tufted?

replying to your starter pack and asking why you didnt add me

The best thing about funerals is sitting in a church and not hearing about sin.

i’m cuddly and curious like a kitten but unlike a kitten i scoop my own litter box 💅

Everybody gets one.
You already used yours.

It's ergonomic twister so I'll support your back if you want to rest your foot flat on my face

Cat: [jumps onto my lap] Pet me, human.

Me: What’s in it for me?

Cat: You get to feel like a supervillain.

Exactly

a fire that starts in my chest and spreads between my legs

This *gestures expansively* reminds me of the time we all went on that "three-hour tour."