Doctor Who Minus Context

Episode with Peter Capaldi, teenage heartthrob. The Doctor is walking around his TARDIS on the upper level, talking to no one in particular but himself. Captions read, “Never be cruel, never be cowardly… and never, ever eat pears!” Three equally important axioms of morality. Happy release day for the Series 10 soundtrack.

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Patrick Troughton episode. A man in the future, and you can tell because he has a jacket made out of a weird shiny black material with a ribbed pattern on it, is speaking to a woman in a posh-looking hallway. Floral decorated wallpaper, fancy lights on the walls, curved archways. His face is half in the shadows, suggesting he’s evil, but it’s probably just poor studio lighting. He says, “Next time, do not run. It is dangerous to run here.”

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David Tennant episode. (Aren’t they all?) The Doctor is in a library, with demonic looking red lights shining down on the bookshelves and a bunch of miserable looking people standing around in space suits without helmets, so really, without the books, it wouldn’t look very much like a library at all. The Doctor is running around as he’s talking, because that’s generally who he is, so he’s a bit out of focus in all these images. Caption reads, “Now, what's interesting about my screwdriver, very hard to interfere with. Practically nothing's strong enough. Well, some hair dryers, but I'm working on that.”

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William Hartnell episode. The Doctor is lying on the floor, with a stripey bandage on his head, not doing much. Barbara Wright is leaning down, checking on him. Ian Chesterton is picking up Susan and holding her over his shoulders. Captions read, “If anything happens… let me know.” “Well, what could happen?” “I don’t know.” Glad you’re on the same page.

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Christopher Eccleston episode. Rose is in her mum’s council flat, sitting on a sofa with a big pink blanket tossed on it. There’s a fireplace that probably isn’t real and a few shelves with Stuff on them. Rickey, her boyfriend, has taken a mug of tea from Rose, her hand still holding the ghost of the cup, perhaps the first sign that he’s a horrible person and he’s only had something like two lines of dialogue so far. Caption reads, “What are you drinking, tea? No, no, no. That’s no good! That’s no good!” What a sack of shit.

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Colin Baker episode. The Doctor is standing in a posh courtroom on a space ship in the future, and you can tell, because there’s both wood paneling and shiny metal Stuff on the walls. The Doctor is being Colin Baker angry, yelling and holding his arms out. Caption reads, “I am Lord President of Gallifrey. You can’t put me on trial.” Hm, sounds a little familiar, but surely this is with no context.

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Ncuti Gatwa episode. Distorted black and white image of Conrad, the most punchable white man imaginable. For some reason, he’s skewed 30°. He’s giving a shit-eating stupid smile looking right into the camera. Caption reads, “Really nice weather all over the world.” Creepiest weather report ever.

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William Hartnell episode. Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright and the Doctor are in the TARDIS console room. Ian is wearing his trademark cardigan, Barbara has a shirt with a shawl and pants with circular holes going down the side, very chic. The Doctor is lying on the floor, on his side, arm shooting forward uncomfortably. Both of them are looking at him. Caption reads, “What’s he doing there?” Idk, being unconscious?

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Matt Smith episode. Inside an old English castle, closeup of an oil painting of the Doctor naked, a red cloth flowing around his waist but leaving a lot to look at, holding a gold trident and wearing a gold crown, two naked babies flying in the sky and clouds that surround him. No caption.

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Jon Pertwee episode. The Doctor is in a dim country pub in England, full of exceedingly British men wearing tweed coats with hair in various states of baldness and drinking beer. They’re looking curiously at the Doctor and Jo, for obvious reasons. One says, “Are you one of those television chaps then?” The Doctor says Pertweely, “I am no sort of chap, sir!”

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Very underrated episode with Peter Capaldi, teenage heartthrob. The Doctor is standing in a dark medieval castle hallway, crimson crushed velvet jacket, shirt buttoned all the way up, no tie. He’s looking at no one in particular, talking to himself. Caption reads, “Finally run out of corridor, there’s a life summed up.” Happy 10th anniversary to the greatest hour of television of all time.

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what is this, doctor who WITH context?? (thank you)

David Tennant episode. (Aren’t they all?) The Doctor and Donna Noble are walking through a messy looking base on a planet in the future. Kind of dark, lots of junk. A young blonde woman who is simultaneously the Doctor’s daughter, the Doctor’s clone and also the Doctor’s wife is walking ahead of them, and for some reason a man is following them. Donna says, “Rubbish. My friend Neris fathered twins using a turkey baster.” Not sure how, but that’s all we have to go on.

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Peter Davison episode. Mawdryn, a pale and sickly zombie like man wearing some bizarre cross between Victorian and regal Time Lord clothes, a ghostly white face, wispy old hair, and a horrible brain looking thing sticking out of the top of his head, is inside the Doctor’s TARDIS, hunched over, not making eye contact. Caption reads, “What do you know, prattling Earth child, of the endless changing?” Not entirely sure how I’m supposed to answer that.

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Jodie Whittaker episode. The Doctor is floating in mid-air like a spooky ghost, phasing in and out, while reaching into her jacket pocket, fiddling with something. She’s inside a big posh manor, fancy embellished walls and marble columns and everything. Caption reads, “Don’t mind me. I’m trying not to be distracting.” Not trying very hard, apparently.

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Patrick Troughton missing episode reconstruction. Trask and Perkins, a sailor with a tricorn hat and his clerk wearing a white wig, are speaking to someone off-screen in a room that’s too dark to see any scenery or use any budget. Caption reads, “Trask will get your cargo of little booties”

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Christopher Eccleston episode. Henry van Statten, the worst person in the world, is walking down an underground bunker hallway with brick walls and ugly fluorescent lighting. A few mercenary soldiers line the hallway, and a couple people are walking with him. His staffer says, “On behalf of all of us, I wanna wish you a very happy birthday, sir.” Happy birthday, Doctor Who.

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William Hartnell episode. Ian Chesterton and Barbara Wright are sitting in a car in the dark, poorly lit by a streetlight. Ian says, “So, we have a fifteen-year old girl who is absolutely brilliant at some things and excruciatingly bad at others.” Happy birthday, Doctor Who.

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Peter Davison episode. Colin Baker’s Doctor is standing in the TARDIS, in Gallifreyan soldier garb, which doesn’t involve the giant collar, but instead a metal chest plate and fluffy white and colorful purple shoulders. He’s in the TARDIS, lights down and dark, holding a piece of the console. Caption reads, “IF you try to leave again, my men will shoot to kill.” Wait, no, it’s just Commander Maxil, who’s also played by Colin Baker.

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Matt Smith episode. Rory Williams is running into Amy’s house as fast as he can, a nice brick building covered in tasteful overgrown vines and flowers around the front. He’s running into the front door full speed, face mashing into some pink roses hanging down. Caption says “Argh.” Flowers: 1. Rory: 0.

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Tom Baker episode. (Aren’t they all?) Sarah Jane Smith is standing in a dark concrete industrial looking basement, with an exceptionally British man in a tweed coat and another woman just off-screen. Sarah’s got a lovely purple outfit with a white necklace. Oh, and there’s a giant metal robot standing in the room, too. Sarah asks, “What do you do?” The robot replies, “Insufficient data.” Typical.

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Jodie Whittaker episode. Alan Cumming is dressed as King James, in an old English building, standing in front of a big wooden door, inexplicably framed in a severe Dutch angle. He has a slight smile on his face as he says, “You may prostrate yourselves before me,” and indeed I will.

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Patrick Troughton missing episode animation. The Doctor is playing his flute with Jamie, his lover, and a number of people off-screen — Victoria, Maxtible, Waterfield and Kemel — in a prison cell in the future, and you can tell, because the door is a weird 6-sided shape. Jamie says, “You mean to say, he’s worked against us all, just for that?” The Doctor says, “People have done worse for less, Jamie.” True dat.

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David Tennant episode. (Aren’t they all?) Shot of the Earth in space, half in sunlight and half in darkness. It’s about nighttime for good ol’ dot co dot uk. Caption reads, “NARRATOR: …everyone had bad dreams.”

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Colin Baker episode. The Doctor is strapped to some kind of medical bed, hooked up to a machine with a bunch of wires and electronics and a glowing blue tube, for some reason. In the middle of a brawl. Peri is wearing an excellent big flowy pink top, trying to help him. Some armed men are pointing guns at them off-screen. Caption reads, “Don’t shoot! We need him alive to sign contracts!” Pesky bureaucracy, getting in the way of murder.

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Jodie Whittaker episode. The Doctor, Graham, Ryan and Yaz are walking through a northern English village in the forest in the early 17th century, lots of people walking about selling fruits and wares. The #fam is wearing their ordinary clothes, not making any attempt whatsoever to blend in. Ryan says, “Ye olde hipster pop-up happenin,’” exactly how teenagers talk.

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William Hartnell episode. Vicki is sitting at a table inside a small spaceship, talking to the Doctor, who’s just off screen. She’s from the future, and you can tell, because her sweater (?) has a weird zig-zag collar on it. Caption reads, “He thinks this planet should be wiped out…” Hm, I’d be willing to hear him out.

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Episode with Peter Capaldi, teenage heartthrob. The Doctor is peering out of the TARDIS, eyes wide in wonder. The camera is all wide-angle, or a “point five,” as the kids say. The TARDIS is surrounded by trees and vines and lush green brush. Caption reads, “Are those trees?” Excellent skills of observation.

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Tom Baker episode. (Aren’t they all?) Adric is standing in a surprisingly well-lit cave, a few other younger people sitting and standing around him, yellow sky in the background. Adric looks exasperated, arms out in frustration. Caption reads, “It’s too small.” “That’s not what you told us. You said it was huge…”

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Ncuti Gatwa episode. The Doctor is standing with Belinda Chandra in the TARDIS, glowing with orange lights, around the console. The Vindicator is leaning next to him. The Doctor is wearing a tight multicoloured polo tucked into black pants, looking mighty fine. He’s grinning wide, not quite looking at Belinda, who’s turned away from the camera. He says, “…my body changes a lot.” You and every teenager.

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