Bryann Thomas

Just get a bidet. Using wet paper if you’ve got a hairy arse will just lead to lots of bits of paper stuck up your crack.

Like a bank charging you £10 to tell you that you’ve exceeded your overdraft.

Oh man!

Don’t forget that they didn’t help us in the Falklands either.

The blurring of lines in liminal spaces is just what the faerie’s want.

When I was about 6 I wet myself while queuing at the tills. The stain was still on the carpet when I went in after graduation about 16 years later.

I still haven’t got used to Newsround no longer being called John Craven’s Newsround.

I hear they’ve taken a firm stance on the pedestrianisation of Norwich town centre.

Carrie Johnson used to date him before Boris. That woman clearly has a type. And probably needs an intervention.

They’ve only been in my bit of Essex for about 5 years. So I always get excited when I see one. A friend lives in a village near Milton Keynes and they have about 50 of them. So she doesn’t get my excitement.

I think they have a few in the pipeline.

Come back when you’ve muted family as well.

His side lost that war.

Their spell check always changes it to Bad Enoch.

Don’t open the Notes app on my phone. There’s drafts in there that really shouldn’t see daylight.

My dodgy FreeSat box picks up the Irish version of SkyMix, so I get to see the Irish ads every time I watch Star Trek. Leedle is the one that always makes me chuckle.

It’s clearly some kind of Madness.

Gone to fight with next door’s school
Every term that is the rule

I think that’s just in Ireland.

They’ll never get the water to ignite.

Just don’t mention his granddaughter. Jonathan Ross mentioned her once and I think he got away with it.

You gave nukes to Germany? What were you thinking?

Have a family of them nesting in a tree in the field behind my house. Quite often find them perched on the fence watching me through the windows. They’ve developed a taste for parakeets which I fully support.

That man shouldn’t be allowed near schools. How many times did they extend his bail conditions?

The DJ will shortly spin some tunes.

When someone has their bag on a seat I ask if the seat is taken. Once they’ve begrudgingly moved their bag, I put my bag there and continue to stand. Really confuses them.

He ends up caked in plasterboard even though he’s an accountant.

Bottom of the warming oven on an Aga will defrost most things in an hour or so. Been around since 1922.

There’s nothing worse than a paper cut. So sensible ppe is a good idea.

I remember some Americans talking about 9/11 and how they were only 2 states away when it happened. So I told them about the 2 times I walked past bombs a few minutes before they exploded.