#LunchPun I’m worried that I need to keep writing letters to an Irish Elk. Dear O’Deer.

#LunchPun My mate is a very good electrician and everyday he has a different type of dried fruit for his lunch. One day it will be little white ones, the next red, and the next day white. When I asked why, he said that he liked alternating currants.

#LunchPun When I worked as a tailor we had some huge Irish guys come in to be measured for a suit. They were so big that the results were Earth-shattering and some would say it was a size-Mick event.

#LunchPun My girlfriend has got a thing about James Bond and has fashioned a tribute to her favourite one in amongst her pubic hair.
Is it Sean?
No it’s all still there, but it looks a bit different.

#LunchPun Was going to see the reformed band ‘The Police’ tonight but I’ve just heard that the lead singer has been kidnapped. It’s really taken the Sting out of things.

If you work in this medal shop and a customer comes in, how do you ask them what they want without sounding really sarcastic?

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday I went to a ‘come dressed as a family pet’ party being held at the local theme park. My sister went in a Gerbil jump suit made out of Turkish hamster skins and I couldn’t get her off the big wheel.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday I really doubt that sceptics are real.

#LunchPun Went to see my mate, Robert who’s just returned from doing a solo event down the ice run at the Olympics. I was shocked at how much weight he’s lost.
Skeleton Bob?
He’s not that emaciated.

#LunchPun I watched a film last night about a machine that dispenses chocolate and crisps, which develops its own sense of being and emotion. In the end they turned it off and it was a very sad vending.

#LunchPun Just found out that my cousin was a carpenter as the recent Winter Olympics. He didn’t win any medals for his work but he did make the podium.

#LunchPun Mandleson has also been questioned about restricted financial information relating to a financial website, represented by a mongoose type character in adverts, he passed on as Trade Minister. He is allegedly accused of passing on Meerkat sensitive material.

#LunchPun When I was a detective I got called to a hostage situation where a group of dentists was being held at gunpoint in a building.
Things got so desperate that to save them we had to send in a well-drilled extraction team.

#sidesplittingsunday #lunchpun I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday A Swiss athlete at the Winter Olympics has tested positive for performance enhancing chocolate and has been stripped of his gold medal. Apparently his blood test showed high levels of Testoblerone.

#LunchPun I met a man the other day who has made a fortune from supplying all the sleighs to the teams taking part in the Winter Olympics. I’m told he’s worth a bob or two.

#LunchPun I was talking to a friend yesterday who accidentally sent naked pictures of himself to all his contacts on Instagram. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost him a fortune in stamps.

#LunchPun The Russians have been using dirty tricks at the Winter Olympics in Italy to get USA athletes to sleep with female Russian participants and turn them into spies. It’s called ‘Operation Elvis’ because the Americans are Cortina Trap.

#LunchPun Following a burglary, the police phoned to say that they had recovered my 3-piece suite. It was really kind of them but they used really cheap fabric and it looks terrible.

#LunchPun Just like the saying goes, I’ve been having an apple a day to keep the doctor away. Turns out it was just one of granny’s myths.

#LunchPun When I was in France, I went to a funfair with my mate’s and we went to a shooting gallery where we had a good gossip and shot at wheels of local cheese. I really miss shooting de bries.

#LunchPun Got myself a lovely new puppy. He’s a tough little chap, so I’ve called him Concrete. He's a Setter.

#LunchPun After a lot of hard work and therapy I am cured of my desire to display my naked buttocks out of car passenger windows. I am over the moon.

#LunchPun I told my friend that I had won 2 tickets to a major event last night, and invited him. He was very keen, but as we drove into a wooded area with binoculars and powerful torches it became clear that he had misunderstood as we were going to watch the Superb Owl.

#LunchPun On Valentine’s Day, Jonathon Ross’ wife likes to be wooed.
Does she tell lots of dirty jokes?

#LunchPun We were invited for a meal by a journalist friend last night, who made us the best chilli con carne we'd ever had. When I asked him what was in it, he said he couldn't possibly reveal his sauces.

#LunchPun I have bid for the opportunity to refurbish and decorate an old disused lighthouse. The customer doesn’t want anything too flashy.

#LunchPun Went out for a drink last night with the man who is designing the roof for my new home. We both had far too much and this morning I’ve woken up to a really bad overhang.

#LunchPun My Spanish mate, Eduardo was involved in a nasty car crash but had a lucky outcome at hospital as he was mistakenly pronounced ‘Ted’ on arrival.

#LunchPun #RateMyPun I’ve got two good friends who are disabled athletes and are taking part in the upcoming games. Depending on the weather, they have to use different prosthetics.
Winter limb picks?
Yep, they’re in the bobsleigh team.