Palesa

One death is too many, but this feels like a lot in such a short time.

Releasing that I just can't handle any disruptions to my routine right now. It's messing me up more than I thought. I also have a birthday party to attend on Saturday. I don't know how I'm going to handle that after a whole week of being "on".

Last minute house sitting thing for a friend. Didn't think it would derail me this badly but here we are. Today is the last night. I get to go home tomorrow morning. After feeding the dogs obviously.

I've been thrown off except it's my fault this time. I'm about to cry. At work... Need to escape. I need out.

Years of traditional therapy & a few psychiatrists later... Still struggling. Fun times!

Things aren't going to get easier, not in this economic & political landscape. Obviously not at work. Obviously not in life so like... Duh the bad thoughts are going to just stay longer each year. I wasn't coping at 17. Why would I suddenly be okay at 31?

It's just... How do you explain to people that the older you get, the more demanding life gets, the more stressful everything is & if you had 0 skills & accommodations to deal with life a decade ago, it's only going to get harder? That's all it comes down to. That and the world being hell.

Why did I open my Instagram to that notification of "someone thinks you might need some extra support right now"?... I mean, fair because of that one reel I shared to my story but also... I'm on my period so things are just amplified. The bad thoughts are common. They're sticking around.

It could be both but the way my brain is just fried, my memory getting consistently worse etc. Probably burnout so no amount of "rest so you don't burnout" ever helps me... I'm already there. Been there. Never leaving. That's why no amount of rest is ever enough.

Realising that I've probably just been in burnout for the last 10 years, probably longer. Just going off of when my fatigue started. Then the other symptoms followed about a year later. Then it's been something new every 18 months or so since. Not to say my mom can't be right about the RA either.

😂😂😂 brains are weird okay.

When I complained to my sister, she thought I meant that the people in question weren't ageing well so she didn't correct my misunderstanding. Meanwhile, I literally meant "I can see the wrinkles... Why are people lying?"... Whole time they didn't mean it literally so I just misunderstood..

It's one thing to know you take things literally but it's another to see it in action.

I also only figured out on Saturday that when people say "they/you don't age" referring to somebody, they actually just mean the person is ageing well. I swear I've been perplexed for months. Even complained to my sister because I thought people just couldn't see the signs of age 😂😂😂

Last week was a lot. I'm on the verge of telling my friend to cancel our planned trip to Mozambique in May. I can't. I just can't. My capacity to do anything is waning. It's getting worse.

This is my life.

In other news, my dreams are very disturbing. I'm also disturbed by the fact that they have the power to wake me up with my heart beating out of my chest. Yes, they give me that much anxiety.

It's terrible. Not getting better so who knows at this point? I'll see how it goes for the rest of the month.

I didn't realise this thing logged me out because why did I have to login again this morning?
Annoying but at least I still remember my password. Yay me.

Bonang Matheba.
I'm pretty sure it's her.

I should probably talk to my mom & sister about my ever declining mental state but I'm so tired of being the one who needs all the extra help & attention.
I do, I know I do but it's not nice. And I don't want them stressed & on high alert but it's better that than them being caught off guard.

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Age verification?

I remember renting videogames as a kid. 👴🏻

Israel used weapons in Gaza that made thousands of Palestinians evaporate US-made thermal weapons burning at 3,500C caused 2,842 people to "evaporate" in Gaza, Al Jazeera investigation finds.

“Four of my children just evaporated,” Badran said, holding back tears. “I looked for them a million times. Not a piece was left. Where did they go?”

There are no words to adequately describe the evil here.

Me: arrives at work
Also me: immediately goes on lunch because head office training was delayed.
Also because vegan therefore no muffins or anything for me. Everyone else got to eat. I haven't eaten.

I don't work in corporate but because I'm in a management-ish position, I'm expected to operate like it.
Nope. Can't do it.

My brain is not built for corporate. At all.
I can't do this. I need out of this whole life. I need a new brain & life that's less painful to function in.

Yesterday, the bad thoughts had me. It was horrendous. I was struggling. Cried when I got home too. I was a mess. Still am but it's less intense this morning