a referee wearing a green shirt with the word fifa on it . ALT: a referee wearing a green shirt with the word fifa on it .

3. Booked once in the second half whilst one-nil up for Burton Albion for taking eight minutes to tie my boot lace, then shown a second yellow after asking the fourth official to help me fill in a tax return on the halfway line to properly “slow things down.”

2. Sent off playing for Leyton Orient for “unsporting behaviour” after insisting on playing the second half under one of those golfing umbrella hats. Because it was drizzling and I’d just had my barnet done.

a silhouette of a man standing on a beach with the word bay in the foreground ALT: a silhouette of a man standing on a beach with the word bay in the foreground

I have sympathy for Ekitike.
Here are three of my sendings off when I should have known better:
🧵
1. Scoring a tap-in for Stockport County and then attempting to celebrate by re-enacting the entire opening credits of Baywatch across the length of the pitch.

I once got sent off for time-wasting while taking a throw-in. The ball boy hadn't given me the ball back yet. First, and I think ONLY, red card for waiting politely.

Nuno gave hope and the whiff of success to Nottingham Forest and no true fan wants that. What they crave is finishing 17th whilst having a 'bloody good bloke' in charge and that's exactly what Ange will deliver. Best of luck to them. Great club management.

England beating Andorra 2-0 is like turning up late to a five-a-side and still managing to nutmeg your own cousin. Job done, but nobody’s clapping. Not sure where Serbia is, it's somewhere down the back of Europe's sofa- but be warned, they do have actual footballers.

Transfer Deadline Day’s gone mad — Nadine Dorries completes shock move to Reform on a free. Meanwhile, Angela Rayner thought she'd scored a housing winner only to have it chalked off for offside in the Stamp Duty box. And then something about Nigel Farage and football.

Hey Ross, thanks for asking, we'd love to do another season of Sports Horn and are currently talking with various sponsors about injecting some cash into it. It's close to a full time job and whilst we love doing it, it currently earns us between £25 and £100 a month which is not viable.

Bloody Colin. He wouldn't last three minutes in the ring with my mate Steve Bould.

Wrexham are actually owned by a couple of Hollywood actors. They should flag that up more. . .

The Premier League is back!
Liverpool will concede.
Bournemouth are the wasps in the picnic basket of football.
Plus, why I hate Rod f@$%ing Wallace. . .

My pick for this coming season's Dark Horses: Manchester United.

Ian's take on Juventus being in the Oval Office as President Trump talks about the possibility of bombing Iran.

It needs to be that big because everything I say into it is big and important and massive.

Was my absolute pleasure to appear on this week's NonCensored podast and explain all about what Gary Lineker has been doing when he's been doing the things he should not have been doing.

Man Utd probably need more than hope, nostalgia and Bruno Fernandes if they’ve going to get anything from this game.

Second half begins.
United look like scolded kittens.
Spurs looking like someone’s offered them a biscuit and they’re trying to decide if it’s worth the calories.

Spurs score the kind of goal the game deserved.
A hopeful punt into the box, Luke Shaw bats it with his arm, Johnson waggles a foot at it (and misses) and the ball thinks “fuck this, I’m bored, I’m going to try hiding just beyond the goal line”.
Scenes.

Something quite insane thinking about how one of these teams will be playing the likes of Bayern Munich and Real Madrid next season.

Both sides showing strong ability to not-quite-be-in-control of anything.
Exciting though.

Would be interested to see the xG stats here. Man Utd all over it so far.

EVERYTHING to play for. Here we go.
16th v 17th for a place in the Champions League.
Absolute glorious nonsense.

Ange Postecoglu is notably NOT wearing his Coko the Clown outfit and I think that is a measure of the man. Sending a strong message to his doubters.

An important announcement ahead of the Europa League Final. . .

Either Spurs or Man U are going to end up in the Champions League next season.
Reminds me of the time I got promoted after finishing 9th because four clubs above us went bankrupt.

I reckon it's time a British cardinal threw his mitre in the ring. We're not going to compete at international masses without a homegrown pope in charge.

I don't understand this one.

Which item is likely to impress Denise the most?

“Liverpool’s title win completes Premier League Fibonacci sequence”. . .bloody hell, football analysis has come a long way since Andy Townsend’s Tactic Truck, where he’d sit in a car park and bark his appreciation of professional fouls.