E. Balm Swirled

“Hi, I’m the guy that said everyone is leaving a city I don’t live in because it’s a cesspool and a war zone due to the socialist policies of the mayor. Well I’m here today to endorse that same mayor because I’m concerned that city I don’t live in will become a cesspool and war zone.”

I’m beta testing the new GTA and it’s realistic as hell. I’m in self-driving mode and it feels exactly like I’m just sitting here on my phone.

Be careful what you name your child because it will shape what they eventually become. Look no further than Gary Oldman.

Without looking it up to see if it exists suggest, here’s a kickass idea: A full sized, 80’s era boombox that’s loud as shit and instead of cassettes you put your phone in a little door while it displays video of a Maxell XL II labeled “Last Dragon soundtrack.” Will NOT charge your phone.

Hey mom, these… these are… Halloween decorations?

“Oh yes, a nice young man named Nick Mullen was selling them door to door.”

Just heard a 50-something year old man ask for a cup of beer. Fuckin’ millennials.

What’s something funny I could post on here?

I’m not blocking anything because I want one of those low budget news channels to have to show a post in which I claim I can prove the president’s dick is just a cardboard cutout

See soy boys, fill up on that lady sauce and your bones will break to death

“We should make his name some sort of play on words”
Great what word did you have in mind?
“Aw man, I can’t think of anything right now, let’s just make up some shit”

I was on a bit of a tool buying streak when I was catching deals on clearance items or bogo promotions but post tariffs the sale price is what the normal price was last year. I guess it’s a small price to pay to bring jobs to the next impoverished country near shipping lanes.

Look out dipshits, my posts are about to be championship level!

It’s pretty unfair to point fingers at all the comics that participated in an event you disagree with when you have no idea what it’s like to finally be rich enough to call up your bros from high school and give them an honest answer to how much it would take for you to suck a dick.

Leno: “Here’th thomethin, have you theen thith new commerthial for the medical devithe that promitheth to make you thtronger while you thleep?”
Audience: “Noooo! We only watch streaming services!”
Leno: “Well thith ith on YouTube.”
Audience: “It must be specific to your algorithm!”

Remember when everyone freaked out about car size drones over Jersey then the troops flew a helicopter into a plane and everyone was like “fuck them drones.”

Comic as guest on podcast: “Oh man, people are the worst. Ever have to sit on a long flight next to some stupid idiot? I just sit in my hotel room because the only bar in town is full of shitty mouth breathers.”
Comic promoting their new podcast: “I’m a curious person. I find people fascinating.”

It’s nice to finally have a president that actually cares about our health. We should all walk up escalators with bigass ankle weights.

I feel like we should start pointing out the hypocrisy of the current administration. Also we should note anything that is technically illegal so everyone will know and get mad about it. Once that happens the REAL police will swoop in and arrest them for the crime of being wrong about everything.

I think the cliche pov every time there’s another dipshit canned drink introduced.

Becomes a fiend for being your buddy

Superduper long covid side effects include thinking it’s cool to let some doofus broadcast from his bonus room with a certificate of achievement in the background while speaking as an expert

It would be funny to make a “Mediocre Gatsby” starring Brad Pitt

Pour one out.

Everyone please stop texting me I’m already on page three of a Cocaine Capybara script.

“A what? A podcaster?”
- Herman Cain’s family

Gotta go with Wednesday.
-no fresh start
-no tacos
-bunch of dorks going to church so I can’t ride my go cart in their parking lot

Came home to find something dangling from my bird feeder and as I got closer realized it was a wren that got its leg stuck in a hole between the perches. I was able to get him free but he flew off like an asshole instead of landing on my shoulder so I could look cool.

Impressive! I thought I could tell but when that other guy became the captain I was like “whoa whoa whoa, THAT’S Tom Hanks now?”

I’m an adult that enjoys hoarding and I demand they bring back a kids meal so I can lie in order to get a lesser version of a popular toy!

HOT TAKE CORNER: I’m still seeing fat kids so it wasn’t the happy meals. Bring ‘em back!