pichael enthusiast

i'm really really sorry but i just got jumpscared so bad looking through some old images on my laptop and this edit is making me laugh way too hard so i'm posting it here at last bc i think the wounds have healed enough now. text only but good lord dude you can't just SAY that

also the fact that some of this stuff does make reeeeeally good fic insp. but i'm not sure how well a lot of it fits the dynamics i'm working with most of the time.. maybe i need to slightly revise how i write one of my mains. go back to the source material and do some analysis or smth hdfkjghd

always try not to read anything on there. just open the page, avert my eyes, scroll to the bottom, write the thoughts down as they come, close the page and never acknowledge it again. unless i'm feeling particularly masochistic and read every entry one by one as my soul leaves my body

times like these i'm grateful for my evil notion page (thoughts dump which shall never ever see the light of day lest i have to start killing hostages)

sweating and shaking as i describe the concept of a ******* **** to my friend in just enough detail to get the idea across without getting really fucking graphic and/or straying too far out of my comfort zone. anyway. oh it's so fucking fun to talk about this stuff i really did miss it

first evening in weeks that vp and i have hung out til 11 and the fact that it only took 5 minutes for the conversation to turn to my "collection" as he calls it. combined with the timing of just having bought something new. let me fucking tell you explaining that one was a struggle dhfghdfkj

but you didn't hear that from me

one time vp was talking about the idea of dad strength and i remembered the fact that he and his fiancee are planning on having kids eventually and i honest to god could've blacked out on the spot

perhaps adultery.... was not the correct choice of words here dhfgkhdfjg well hey it didn't happen!! needless to say i'm relieved!! good fucking lord i meant infidelity. my invisible "i do not condone infidelity" sign that's hanging around my neck at all times

sighs wistfully. what even was that

thinking about the vr hug again

also hit me like yesterday that this is smth i've wanted for literally years but didn't know it existed til a while ago so honestly i really DO deserve it. i am gonna be absolutely frothing at the mouth til this thing gets here tbh dfhgjdfhg which will be.. maybe monday at the latest? please? fdjkgh

found an alternative, just checked the website and. last in stock down to fucking £15!!!!!!!! needless to say. i bought it hdfghdjkfghk £4 shipping i do not give a shit that is unbelievable when full price is £50. oh my god. i deserve this thang dghdfjkhgk character arc complete

really not beating the allegations though i guess

this guy basically hasn't shown up in years and now he's back and picks up on my gender stuff immediately without anyone explaining it and he's already giving me this much gender affirmation it's fucking awesome

fav moment last night was somebody, for reasons i can't remember, calling me a good boy, and then kr being like 'you can't see how much his tail is wagging at that' when i'm quite literally sitting there irl like

got a discount code to reduce it to £38 only to find out it doesn't fucking ship to the uk i am. sad now hfjghdfkj genuinely was gonna say fuck it and just buy it because i deserve something nice but now i have to look for alternatives.. augh. this is so fucking typical. i'll get over it eventually

also i'm gonna check out tk maxx as usual and just pray there's smth good in there hdfkghd if not there's a pavers nearby that might have a wide fit section so i'll check that out. worst case scenario is m&s which is good quality and has its own wide fit section, but more expensive than i'd like..

i guess if anything if i find a nice pair that actually fits i can give my TWO other pairs that don't fit to my mum or sibling and they can sell them and give me the money back. like they're good shoes, not too worn, surely i could get a good £50 or more for them

also i've got other stuff to sort out atm.. need to go shoe shopping this week which is gonna suck as usual bc i have stupid wide feet that don't fit most shoes so i might have to settle for a style i don't love.. in which case i cannot spend too much on them. augh. fucking hate shoe shopping

like. i want a thing, it's honestly a really good value for money, i would use said thing a lot and it would last a long time.. but without the income source it's really hard to justify it even if it would probably bring me a lot of joy.. augh. i'll spend some more time thinking about it

just to cover basic stuff like food shopping. i feel like i have got to hold on to every single penny i save because i'll need it some day, or something. and i don't know how to get over it. i mean i know right now i DO need to be more careful with spending my money, but when it's at the point of

like it's that. so much. my entire life i've been scared of spending money because of not having a source of income, just life savings, but growing up with not a ton of financial stability.. as in like. my mum would very frequently need to borrow money bc i saved everything while she couldn't

i want nice things and for a little while i could HAVE nice things and like i haven't really made any significant changes to things since losing my job except no longer spending money on hobbies or anything.. not that i was buying much at all before. i don't know. spending money is scary again

(with lots of convincing from a friend of course) but now i'm genuinely scared to get myself literally anything. i know i have a lifetime of savings to use and this one thing i have my eye on right now would cost only 0.005% of my life savings (it's literally £45) but. i'm scaaaared

having a job was literally one of the best things to ever happen to me and mainly for just Having A Stable Source Of Income like i could just buy things if i wanted them (within reason of course) like i literally dropped an entire £100 on something nice for myself at one point

final lines are still making me laugh but honestly i'm not sure whether or not to keep em hdfjghdfjkg it's funny but it might be TOO silly for this fic actually. like having sat down and read the entire thing, to then be hit with that.. augh. my creative genius dkghjdfh

proofreading this fic and getting to a point and knowing where it's going and grimacing and looking away and then realising i must've done something good to get that reaction from myself dhfghdfjhgk like ok king we have successfully written something fucked up!!! yippee

felt kinda bad talking about gender-y stuff and i know i shouldn't but like when it comes to dysphoria and stuff.. i'm a lot less sure how to talk about it. also it's a bit more personal than the other stuff like do you want me to cry as i read out a list of all the things i don't like about my body

(as if i haven't tried that several times before)