Consorte Secreto do Varré

Mika's vet appointment will be tomorrow and i am so anxious about it. Especially bc i wont be able to go, since i have my therapy session at the same time and date, so Bea and my mother will go instead. I'm just so afraid to lose my pom-pom baby;;;;;

one who has the right to freak out at this, while me and my sibling HAVE TO be there and be strong for her.
Like... I'm already having a hard time being lowkey unmedicated (got some meds but need the rest of them) and being strong for myself lol

I'm also VERY worried bc Mika's results came inconclusive but it does points out for a possibility of a malign tumor on his liver. izzy has also been coughing a lot. And i cant not think of Sammy's lung cancer whenever i see stuff going bad with their health.

My mother acts as if shes the only

Like, even when i get the mood to actually do smth i like to distract, she'll complain bc im not doing smth SHE enjoys (as in, bc im using the tv to play video games and not to watch a movie with her). It's like theres no winning :)))

im getting straight up panic attacks over the slighest things i do wrong bc she just explodes on me for the smallest mistakes

I love her. I do. I wish that she would look for professional help to improve.

made if about herself; told me to stop talking bc it reminded her of the ordeal, which, fair, maybe she didnt want to talk about it. But I have to talk about, or just listen when she wants to vent about it.

wants to go out and doesnt want to go alone.
So i told her how even taking this decision is a delicate matter to me, bc it was when i got back into my classes that Sammy had his first seizure and i cant shake off the feeling i had when i saw it whenever i sit to study.
and she started crying and

and even when i DO smth she wants, it's never enough. Especially if it is related to our pets. bc i didnt do it the exact fucking way she wanted.

I was just telling her today how i need to get back into my studies. And she wasnt supportive, oh no, she told me to start later on the week bc she

i wasnt feeling bad already for having a shitty memory.
She forgets things all the time, but when it's me?? Curses be upon me!!!

She also says that i dont do enough for her and dad. Like lol yeah i know, i already tell myself everyday how useless i am for not finding a job

i am also going through a bad time. Not even once she asked if i needed to talk, or simply accepted that i needed some space.

and i dont need to hear that after my pets are gone, we wont be adotping any other bc >me and my sibling are lazy, awful pet tutors<
bc i messed up Mika's meds once. As if

she was the one who was there for him. How me and my sibling were awful and didnt try as hard as she wanted us to try.
She is going through grief as well, sure, but that doesnt excuse her insensible speech. Nor her demands that I do whatever she wants bc she is too hurt and shaken to do it herself.

even slept on the floor by his side. I knew the time was coming and i wanted to be there for him.

My mother... narcisist as she is, didnt even stay in the same room as him, for the last days. I dont blame her, tho. I know it was hard to see him like that. HOWEVER. I do blame her for speaking as if

understandable, since it affected my whole close family.

thing is: theres no need to villainize me or my sibling for what happened nor for how bad things are going to our other pets.
I am carrying a lot of weight from remembering his last moments. I did all i could. I kept him comfortable and

this will be deleted, i just want to get stuff outta my chest.

After losing Sammy, ive felt numb. Little by little, it started to hurt, as if a part of me was missing. Typical grieving process, i know. thing is, i was never giving a proper calm /safe environment to deal with this.
which is

Okay i gotta vent before actually doing what i am supposed to do today, or else i know i wont get anything done.
i'll be complaining a lot on this thread

Caramujo vestido de cortina de hotel,
??? tem alguma coisa n diagnosticada
.
fanboy de sangue

i WILL reply to all dms and actually go back into talking like before once grief eases a bit;;;;
needed to draw silly stuff to get my artist hands free again before drawing for the october event tho

Ty dear 🫂🫂

Drawing of a puppy laying next to a plush bunny with the caption; "I hope you heal from the things you don't talk about"

Healing

Obrigado pelos sentimentos 🫂

And thank you. I forgot to add on that reply

It rlly was for the best 🫂 he.... wasnt happy at all. Oddly enough, im glad bc he isnt suffering anymore.
He was very strong and taught us a lot

His absence is what hurts the most

Life is really smokable rn (i dont smoke)

My baby is gone. He stopped suffering.

Around 6 days ago he had his first seizure. Then 2 more on the next day. He was in the hospital for 2-3 days and started phenobarbital while there.

He's still adapting, and lemme tell you, it's a very tough phase for him and us;;;

Ppl say the side effects ease after 2 weeks

I'll be updating Sammy's condition here, for those who want to know how he is doing

Ty 💖 my dog's health worsened since last time we talked. Seeing him go through all that's happened hurts a lot ;n;

Life is tough but i gotta be tougher

Cursing whoever is pulling my life cosmic strings rn