Krissy

The current trend that is bothering me is the constant "breed me". It makes me want to hurl every time I see it.

You are so much nicer than me. My children are afraid to use the "b" word. If they do, I give them chores. 🤣

Out here reminding us that you are always and forever one of the loveliest women in the world.

My bluesky is wall to wall politics and depression. woof.

My life is hard but there are joyful moments every day.

I feel a lot of sadness but also the need for hope and happiness.

I am seeking out opportunities to be soft and share reciprocal care giving. It is good for my soul. I am very lucky.

Most of the time all I can hear is water running past my house. It's glorious.

Once on a plane from San Francisco to LA a bunch of men in fancy suits asked me what I thought of Scream 3. I explained how only someone who was monumentally stupid would think it was a good idea to make a 3rd version of a mediocre movie.

Turns out the head of the studio was on that plane. Whoops.

A bunch of lovely folks in my local community made a really sweet video. Yay for love. Yay for being human beings together.

I'm going to need 2 people who are not related to Noah who are willing to sign an affidavit that his signature on his will is really his. I need these people because the wet-signed copy is in Scotland and not having a wet-signed copy for the US means extra paperwork.

Anyone willing to help?

I'm not sure how brave I'm going to be about it as I get going. I'm consciously and deliberately avoiding my friend-pool for hook ups. I don't want to piss in the pool. Most of the people I fuck won't last 3 weeks because they'll annoy me. That's a statistical fact.

That's unkind to do to friends.

Now I need to figure out how to manage this in the Highlands; a place where people are not, broadly speaking, open minded about sluts. I'm not in the SF Bay anymore. This is going to make everyone very uncomfortable because I'm going to act like I shouldn't be ashamed.

I think being a slut is fine.

Noah is gone and I have to keep working and being cheerful and being a source of support for my people. I'm not going to do well celibate. I just won't. That's not a set up that will lead to me thriving. I am not even a little bit ready to date someone. I can't have a Relationship. I only need sex.

Part of staying alive is figuring out how to include sex in my life. I need it. Did you know that Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder is a known feature of EDS? It literally physically hurts when I don't have sex for a few days. My body freaks out. Masturbating doesn't help, it makes it worse.

I started writing about my kinky sex life on the internet 25 years ago. While married I was slightly less over-sharing about it because my day-in-day-out didn't cause me much stress. Noah was an amazing partner for me and I will miss him every day of my life.

Thing is: I have to keep staying alive.

I've been working as hard as I can to stay in the closet since I moved to Scotland. I've dramatically limited my writing and the forums in which I am fully disclosing stuff about my private life because I worry about backlash. As if I could ever be quiet enough to escape backlash.

It's not working.

All I have to do is walk into a room alone where masking isn't mandatory and they flow. Lately with a lot of screaming. I get as much out as I can before I have to go back into rooms with other people.

The screaming isn't optional right now. I hurt so much.

It's hard to summon up my normal work ethic. I do a lot of sitting and staring out windows. What will my future look like without him?

I know I won't be alone. I collect people like shiny trophies. I am exceedingly blessed in my friendships. I know.

I shaped myself around Noah for almost 20 years

It's so nice to be prompted to read your writing again. I felt this one in my soul. I've had a rough last 12 months and I feel on the edge of crying in every minute. It's effort to keep the flow back.

I know what you mean. All of the pain is connected and it wants to overwhelm me all the time.

I’m coping through a combination of leaning on friends and distractions. I still feel like I don’t have any idea what my future will be like. I’m scared a lot of the time but I can’t slow down.

I’m struggling with feeling like I can’t say a lot of things in most spaces. That is hard for me.

I am. I am glad I am on a platform with you again. I think about you a lot lately. I am still inspired by you. You show what fully living looks like to me.

I hope my kids love me in the long run like you love your mom.

Thank you so much for this article. I have been meaning to look for a music teacher for my daughter and Julia sounds wonderful. I'm grateful to learn she is around in the community.

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I will confess that I am mostly not reading a lot of other peoples social media. I'm talking to myself on the internet so I don't talk to the kids.

8 weeks without Noah.

This morning I broke into ugly screaming and crying for a long time. It feels like I am running out of some layers of cope.

Today we were supposed to be arriving at Disneyland Paris because Shorty wanted to go for her birthday. Disney was very understanding when I cancelled.

I couldn't possibly do it now. Someday, sure. Not this week. I am not strong enough for that. It's ok. I will be later.

48 days since he left us.

Looking in the mirror is weird. I both can and can't see what made Noah need me so desperately. He needed me like he needed air and water.

I will never be needed like that again. I'm extraneous. I see value in me, and I see how the cost will always be too high for anyone else to pay.

Keep moving.

Every day we have to choose: who are we going to be today? I don't always live up to my ideals. I do not always uplift people. Sometimes I succumb to my shitty side and I am cruel.

The next day I have to choose again. I can do better. I am not limited by my mistakes. I can move on.

So can you.

I think that is very much happening. I think people have been pushed into a division that didn't need to occur. So much more unites us than divides us. Right now a large group disagrees with me about having similarities and they have a lot of guns. I find that existentially terrifying.

I freaking agree with you. Take you for example. You have had a long and complicated journey. There were times when you could have lost the road entirely but you didn't. You kept going and improving and learning despite it being *so hard*.

I want to celebrate folks like you. I love you.

I've been changing the line to "and I'm not fine".

Nostalgia fits. That seems so simple and uncomplicated and unreal in comparison. Now the pain is immediate and overwhelming. People are dying. It's not a vague threat anymore.

War is happening.

"I'll get the paperwork done in January."

- receives email back finally in February with notification of a call to take place in April.

Crow. I eat a lot of crow.

I love your art so much.