Damnit Janet

Aww, I bet he'd make you soup if he could

It doesn’t have any nails or knuckles, but my face still throws a pretty solid middle finger.

First day back to work after vacation and I really think I should’ve tried harder to be a trophy wife when I was young.

My point is, we live in a society where porn is free and healthcare is unaffordable. See you in church.

Both were named after the guy from always sunny i think

“I said ‘good day to you, sir!’”

-what I say to my unit every time I put it back in my pants after peeing.

Woah - where? 😍

We should care more that parrots can talk.

My scat singing is writing checks my falsetto can’t cash

Bro your page reads like a veritable who's who of all the people who are who

“to thy own self be true” i think, while already buying halloween candy

[staring at ur cat with great concern] i just don't think he'll ever get to inbox-zero

oh is the sunlight peeking over the horizon is it peeping through your blinds is it knocking angrily on your door is it scaling your trellis to get into your unlocked second story window is it hovering over you menacingly stab it stab the fucking sun and get out of there

If we're not out here every day trying to salvage the looks on our faces when we first found each other then what are we even imagining where our relationships would go wrong in real life for

Back to tryna wear glasses cause I’ve screamed bloody murder that someone chopped up a squirrel on the sidewalk & it was leaves. Then I was screaming there was a dead white horse on the side of the road but it was just a lotta washed out cardboard.

I like to think I'd be tender but I dunno if a cannibal would tell me the truth about that anyway

Cannibals are so disgusting but sometimes I wonder how many steaks I have in me

Hi

Hey

Hello0o

When I say “hi”, when I say “hey”, when I say “hello0o”

What if "I lubricated with hollandaise" is the last text I ever write?

Air quality is unhealthy for sensitive groups, such as your cousin Charles and his friends, who cry every time you say hamster.

Saw a tree browning and losing leaves today and said “heh, guess that guy got the memo” (that July’s over) and I think I’m ready to become a dad

I mean, you can't roll it into a sausage or anything

Ooh - maybe that's why babies have a squishy head!

dude at the adjacent urinal just peeked at my junk 3 times. i’m so back

God bless the troops and all, but shower sex is actually the fuken worst

Play me a reel to reel porno like grandma and grandpa used to play.

(Helping a raccoon with an ice cream bucket on its head get unstuck from a fence) I've been there buddy, hang on

if any one tries to ai me after I die, I will come back and haunt you into a new realm of ass to mouth never experienced in this reality

“SHCOOL” painted on roadway leading to buildings ahead.

sean connery’s alma mater

We've watched all the stunts
And we've sat through the trials
So stop being cunts
Just release the epstein files