Damnit Janet

if i was a billionaire, i wouldn’t go hunting humans in helicopters with epstein, id get pre-opening day access to any water park i want. on that piss-free lazy river tip

Brown cat Tosca with an old soda bottle

Tosca in a contemplative mood

unclench my jaw so all of my teeth can fall out no thank you

I have social media use disorder. Got to love a newphemism.

Fuck. I would so ask you to be my science project partner. You could come over to do experiments & my Ma would make us lasagna w tiny lil meatballs made outta sausage meat

my 15 year old after 2 days of driver’s ed:
your hands aren’t supposed to be on that part of the wheel

🙄

90% of the anger I have towards my son is caused by being jealous of his footie pajamas

They should put warnings on those things

Sorry I was gone so long, but I stepped on a raw lasagna noodle fragment that fell out of my nighty and I died.

feed me cheese touch my butt and tell me i’m your favorite celestial seasoning

*sends booty pic* this is where I shit and fart from

The prophecy is unclear but it involves posting cringe

i shot the sheriff. all my homies hate the sheriff.

storefront sign, all it says is SHOE LIQUIDATION

fascinated by imagining what goes on in this building

So in my own headlock lately saying the mantra to stop questioning yourself stop questioning yourself that I just hand over my lunch money to my other hand

MY OWN
PERSONAL
FAILINGS
SOMEONE TO IGNORE MY PRAYERS
(POSSIBLY A BEAR)

If I let my teeth rot out of my face now, will it make my skeleton more approachable after I am dead?

Nothing fights for beauty in the ghostly cold quite like the Hellebore

A lady may not always come out & say when she’s triggered, & that’s when she’ll get elusive, quiet, continuously blasting Cat People by Bowie till you’re so uncomfortable that you understand

Oh congratulations, Time magazine just named you Insidious Plague Upon the Earth of the Year.

One time a confused hermit crab lived in my nose for about 2 weeks, so in fact I believe you'll find I do know what being pregnant is like thanks

There's a Dutch TV commercial that has a woman complaining about 'an itch' and before she can even finish her sentence, her girlfriend immediately screams JUST CALL IT A VAGINAL YEAST INFECTION and now I'm interrupting everyone with this message

did you know you can get super stoned like people in the movies

well son of a bitch i did not want war in my coffee this morning

“defend your culture”

dude, your “culture” is clapping off beat and putting ketchup on tacos

OPERATION IT'S NOT A MUSHROOM DICK 🇺🇸

this was how i found out the bombing had started

If remote science was pseudoscience we would just call it "remote pseudoscience" or "is your omniscient book mind of baby names in the room with us right now"

kid and tracks added on top of a foot bridge in the middle of the redwoods located in the santa cruz mountains

my double exposure from about 10 years ago

We need a Disney princess who's older, cranky sometimes, but nice, swears a lot—ok, is me. We need a Disney princess who is me