Damnit Janet

A sketchy, messy digital drawing of a womans torso seated at a bench. One hand holds a tea and the other a slice of yellow smeared bread

The day wore
The day ate

Tea, bread and lemon butter

Coworker opened the drawer I’ve been screaming into for the past twelve months and the force blew their head clean off

On three I’m going to lunge at you from the shadows. Try to act natural

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. They can also repel pharmacists if you throw them hard enough. But you're going to need a pineapple or a durian if you want to take down a dentist.

why would I wanna challenge myself that doesn’t sound relaxing at all

my boobs are big bc my heart is big and my heart is big bc of all the cheese

my house is like Willy Wonka. Lick the dust on the wall, tastes just like dust

screaming FUCK YOU into a banana phone

If old movies taught me anything it’s how awesome it would be to have my own skeleton army.

I used to be young. Now I feel a little badass when I close the oven door with my foot

waffles should have more confidence

a food critic who doesn’t waffle but he does pan cakes 👻

*gets out of bed* parkour

Pomegranate is French for apple made of granite

Sorry I'm 3 days late, I was eating a pomegranate.

You got me at women

me: i have this recurring nightmare where Steven Tyler opens his mouth and swallows a microphone whole

therapist: i think that’s our time

Him: "why are you naked?"

Me: "im eating lasagna"

Hope you're ok now doll. I don't really faint but I have epilepsy and I kinda dream during big seizures

My daughter (10) got her tonsils out today. When she woke up after surgery, she held up her stuffy, locked eyes with it and whispered, "What did you witness!?"

They say all new technology is immediately used to make porn, but maybe we should not have done that with the microwave

you utter fools you absolute twats you fuckers of mothers

I love you

Jerry Seinfeld: What's the deal with airline food?

Me: It's only for rich-ass jerks who fly first class

Jerry Seinfeld:

Me:

Jerry Seinfeld: Guys can't be funny anymore cuz of woke

Watching myself good, my old babysitter never calls me. Never did anything worth watching but everyone loves detachment whether it's leaving the house or hired as temporary observant. I'm a cheap break

When my nose starts bleeding in the middle of the suburban ice cream shop, that will be the last of my humours leaving my body.

Charlie Brown’s eyes are both on the front of his head, implying that he is a predator

sticking a thermometer up my nose to see if i'm mentally ill

take this buzzfeed quiz to find out which horseman of the apocalypse you are

Wait.

… you’re telling me these balls were tripped?

Tech bros really can't understand why we're hostile to technology that a) is frequently confidently wrong and b) threatens to ruin our already terrible lives