Damnit Janet

my 9 year old daughter & i were watching 4 hummingbirds fighting over the feeder outside when she turned to me & said, “their names are jerry, elaine, george & kramer because they clearly don’t care about anyone but themselves,” & that was when a single tear rolled down my cheek.

The moonrise as seen through trees. The sky is a beautiful shade of blue and there are clouds ranging from white to a dark bruise color. The moon was so bright that it’s a glowing orb

I couldn’t get pictures of the moon like I intended, but the illumination of the sky, provided by the moon, struck me. Even partially behind a cloud, it was so bright.

all of my retirement hopes now rest entirely with my partial collection of commemorative state quarters, a complete set of encyclopedias from 1974, some slap bracelets, a dozen slightly scratched k-tel records, and my final unused gwyneth paltrow vagina candle

[when someone tries to move their cat off camera during a call]

LEAVE IT 🔫

Whenever you feel alone remember that there are a lot of people in your life that can barely tolerate you but they do anyway

The baby took my phone away yesterday but the baby is letting me post today

[Alanis Morissette putting her hand in her pocket]

"Holy shit. I need to get to the studio."

I’m on Pinterest and nobody gets my jokes. I thought the I’m Farrow, he’s Ball was good.

38 years ago Bono claimed he can't live with or without you, and yet...

Booooo! Hissssss!

OK that's ghost and snake. I can also do elephant.

A row of Don Simon Sangria (in a fancy flowery bottle) in a shop. It's marked "Clearacne" - and is marked down from £6 to £4.50. Dermatological effectiveness unknown.

For when the teenage zits persist

I get glitched in the matrix all the time but I don't ask for manager shit cause I'm no Kareanu

The etiquette is that you have to stop using the engagement party favor beer koozie once the couple gets divorced

SHOW NO MERCY

Sounds like you got unfinished business

being back in my hometown is weird bc I regularly drive by my friend’s old house where I got drunk for the first time and barfed on 80% of the rugs in her house

getting into conspiracy theories so i can achieve my dream of being the first man on the moon

Are we back to the days when 5 likes was considered viral

i don’t believe that any of the other kids at daycare actually fell asleep during nap time and i resent the idea that they did

Did it hurt?

When you ordered Chinese for yourself but they included 3 forks and fortune cookies?

Kurt Cobain: *sings something in the way* rather than just moving it out of the way

The world: this man is a national treasure

[coworker asks me what my plans are this weekend]

me: am i being detained?

“For you were made from cake and to cake you shall return. Ahhhh man” — me crashing out after too many edibles

Starting a gofundme to drain Loch Ness and find that damn monster

a Garfield Christmas special called Odie to Joy

I love when I put on my sweater for the first time in a year, reach into the pocket and there's a Kleenex in there

Downside of being dumped before Halloween is how lame Sonny Bono is as a costume.

The wood chipper gets gross so you should clean it after every use.

What if we're all Hallmark cards of some secret experiment to love each other but our hearts have too many occasions and categories so we're just like here please take this homemade coupon for a CIA

ALL GODS. ALL MONSTERS. BUY ONE GET ONE WHILE QUANTITIES LAST.