A body with an adequate pocket to store a spare chapstick or two.
02.03.2026 04:50 β π 65 π 24 π¬ 8 π 2A body with an adequate pocket to store a spare chapstick or two.
02.03.2026 04:50 β π 65 π 24 π¬ 8 π 2
TURTLES:
-what are they hiding in there?
-crimes?
Poppyseed, an all-black cat with a few white hairs, sticks her tongue out as she stares off into the middle distance
Truly an exceptional specimen
02.03.2026 06:53 β π 1715 π 228 π¬ 27 π 15Why did they call them sea-monkeys when 'shrimpanzees' was right there
02.03.2026 10:06 β π 213 π 55 π¬ 2 π 0"A ROBOT MAY NOT HARM HUMANITY, OR, BY INACTION, ALLOW HUMANITY TO COME TO HARM!" I scream at my Roomba as I trip over it for the 50th goddam time
02.03.2026 11:07 β π 92 π 18 π¬ 4 π 1Band-Aids are sold in packs containing two useful Band-Aids and forty which are apparently designed for when you injure a single pore
02.03.2026 11:21 β π 43 π 9 π¬ 1 π 0Everythingβs gonna be fine as long as celebrities donβt start singing Imagine
02.03.2026 11:46 β π 107 π 31 π¬ 6 π 0Anything that lives in a shell is cute & chic as fuck like awww hey baby snail I love what youβve done w your anatomy how avant-garde
02.03.2026 12:27 β π 42 π 16 π¬ 1 π 0A mob hit but itβs me waiting in the backseat w a daisy chain Iβll use like piano wire to pull their head back & give em a lil kiss
02.03.2026 12:39 β π 30 π 14 π¬ 0 π 0during my next rap battle iβm going to compare them to the gross little strings you have to pull off of your banana
02.03.2026 12:53 β π 140 π 36 π¬ 12 π 0Yup, caught red handed
02.03.2026 13:59 β π 5 π 0 π¬ 0 π 0A pile of mannequin arms.
Police Raid Home of Suspected Arms Dealer
02.03.2026 13:41 β π 225 π 50 π¬ 15 π 2people marvel at my signature dish which involves torching a block of cheese i call a brie lβarson
01.03.2026 15:19 β π 189 π 54 π¬ 10 π 1I fear Iβm one minor inconvenience away from no longer being a perfect angel
01.03.2026 15:27 β π 120 π 30 π¬ 1 π 1Today someone else did this so I didn't have to. He didn't see the funny side
02.03.2026 12:57 β π 37 π 6 π¬ 0 π 0Nature needs an hr department
02.03.2026 09:13 β π 0 π 0 π¬ 0 π 0
ME: oh, you just let everyone touch you, donβt you? some of us have standards, you know
GRASS:
not now babe iβm filling the bathtub with wrasslinβ jello
02.03.2026 03:08 β π 84 π 30 π¬ 1 π 1Is it one of those situations where you're thinking you benefitted something but an old wise voice over says it was actually a graceful humility to you? And where even does the voice come from, pipes?
02.03.2026 05:49 β π 43 π 29 π¬ 1 π 0the world is not very good right now but you could RosalΓa's insane BRIT Awards performance 70x like I did, it helps
01.03.2026 18:28 β π 83 π 23 π¬ 6 π 0A colorful photo of an adult, shorthaired, piebald cat sitting comfortably on his guardianβs bed. Loki has bright green eyes, a pink nose and a black and white face as he looks into the camera with a relaxed, zero fucks expression. He is leaning back in a position which makes him look like heβs sitting upright like a person with his legs splayed open, manspreading. His left paw is simply resting on his lap like he just finished a beer.
It is crucial you all behold my cat while he is on narcotics.
01.03.2026 19:27 β π 186 π 23 π¬ 10 π 1Consulting the lumps on my head for spiritual guidance.
01.03.2026 21:38 β π 55 π 20 π¬ 1 π 0HELLO, THIS IS MY LANE. UNLESS I INVITE YOU OVER FOR A ROUSING GAME OF BUMPER CARS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR OWN.
01.03.2026 22:52 β π 63 π 24 π¬ 0 π 0ai is short for ay chihuahua
01.03.2026 22:57 β π 28 π 7 π¬ 1 π 0She's beautiful
01.03.2026 23:32 β π 3 π 0 π¬ 1 π 0From @osirisguitar "Swedish literally translated names for animals..." shows: RIVER HORSE, = hippo, BLUBBER HUNTER = killer whale, INKFISH = squid, LATEWALKER = sloth, LEECHCONE = hedgehog, BEAKANIMAL = platypus, FLAPPINGMOUSE = bat, SHIELDTOAD = turtle & WASHBEAR = raccoon
Please enjoy an old post I saw today on Instagram:
01.03.2026 17:58 β π 155 π 26 π¬ 14 π 3jennifer coolidge from the movie best in show saying βwe both love soupβ
the real secret to a lasting relationship
01.03.2026 18:33 β π 319 π 49 π¬ 11 π 0When you taste what you're cooking and it's so good your head starts moving back and forth like a chicken
01.03.2026 19:12 β π 156 π 26 π¬ 7 π 1reminder that you are not obligated in any way to binge every moment of every horror going on. take time out for yourself. get that extra hour of sleep. buy yourself that delicious dessert. give a Nazi another curb stomp so they wonβt have any teeth left for identification at the morgue. yoga.
01.03.2026 02:11 β π 143 π 36 π¬ 0 π 0Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?
01.03.2026 02:27 β π 272 π 80 π¬ 7 π 0