Damnit Janet

Band-Aids are sold in packs containing two useful Band-Aids and forty which are apparently designed for when you injure a single pore

Everything’s gonna be fine as long as celebrities don’t start singing Imagine

Anything that lives in a shell is cute & chic as fuck like awww hey baby snail I love what you’ve done w your anatomy how avant-garde

A mob hit but it’s me waiting in the backseat w a daisy chain I’ll use like piano wire to pull their head back & give em a lil kiss

during my next rap battle i’m going to compare them to the gross little strings you have to pull off of your banana

Yup, caught red handed

A pile of mannequin arms.

Police Raid Home of Suspected Arms Dealer

people marvel at my signature dish which involves torching a block of cheese i call a brie l’arson

I fear I’m one minor inconvenience away from no longer being a perfect angel

Today someone else did this so I didn't have to. He didn't see the funny side

Nature needs an hr department

ME: oh, you just let everyone touch you, don’t you? some of us have standards, you know

GRASS:

not now babe i’m filling the bathtub with wrasslin’ jello

Is it one of those situations where you're thinking you benefitted something but an old wise voice over says it was actually a graceful humility to you? And where even does the voice come from, pipes?

YouTube video by RosaliaVEVO ROSALÍA - Berghain (Live at The BRIT Awards 2026) ft. Björk

the world is not very good right now but you could Rosalía's insane BRIT Awards performance 70x like I did, it helps

A colorful photo of an adult, shorthaired, piebald cat sitting comfortably on his guardian’s bed. Loki has bright green eyes, a pink nose and a black and white face as he looks into the camera with a relaxed, zero fucks expression. He is leaning back in a position which makes him look like he’s sitting upright like a person with his legs splayed open, manspreading. His left paw is simply resting on his lap like he just finished a beer.

It is crucial you all behold my cat while he is on narcotics.

Consulting the lumps on my head for spiritual guidance.

HELLO, THIS IS MY LANE. UNLESS I INVITE YOU OVER FOR A ROUSING GAME OF BUMPER CARS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR OWN.

ai is short for ay chihuahua

She's beautiful

From @osirisguitar "Swedish literally translated names for animals..." shows: RIVER HORSE, = hippo, BLUBBER HUNTER = killer whale, INKFISH = squid, LATEWALKER = sloth, LEECHCONE = hedgehog, BEAKANIMAL = platypus, FLAPPINGMOUSE = bat, SHIELDTOAD = turtle & WASHBEAR = raccoon

Please enjoy an old post I saw today on Instagram:

jennifer coolidge from the movie best in show saying “we both love soup”

the real secret to a lasting relationship

When you taste what you're cooking and it's so good your head starts moving back and forth like a chicken

reminder that you are not obligated in any way to binge every moment of every horror going on. take time out for yourself. get that extra hour of sleep. buy yourself that delicious dessert. give a Nazi another curb stomp so they won’t have any teeth left for identification at the morgue. yoga.

Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?

I shaved my manifesto into my back hair for you. Please respond.

the odds of me killing a plastic plant are low but not impossible

sometimes, right before I fall asleep, it feels like fleas are biting me wanna hang out

If your child falls into the gorilla enclosure you’re gonna need a new child. We only have the one gorilla.

if i was a billionaire, i wouldn’t go hunting humans in helicopters with epstein, id get pre-opening day access to any water park i want. on that piss-free lazy river tip