Matt Cornah

Ed Tudor-Pole's House of Games.

IT'S TIME.

I'm being no-tooth-skin-shamed. On the internet of all places! This is a scandal!

Hang on a minute.

Teeth don't have skin.

In other news the Global Council of Matts (of which quite naturally I'm the president) have voted unanimously to strip Matt Goodwin of the name.

He will henceforth be referred to as Twat Goodwin.

I really like that song. I like the trumpet bits.

Later Kopter! Have a lovely break. To quote Alan's Psychedelic Breakfast, "marmalade, I like marmalade".

You think my BlueSky posts are rubbish? YOU SHOULD SEE MY DRAFTS. Oh boy.

When I am World King it'll be a leftwing utopia.

(Though I'll still be king, obviously.)

THIS IS WHAT ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE LISTENING TO IN THE YEAR 2060.

It has the virtue of being slightly simian, which you know I'm partial to!

I really like the aesthetic of stuff like Thunderbirds. Not so much the puppets, but there should be a word for it like "steampunk" but not quite that - the aesthetic of what people from the 1960s and 1970s thought THE FUTURE might be like.

Maybe "reel-to-reel tape machine-punk".

Darrell Maclaine and I did a "transcript" of the whole song, with a commentary, for our old Mario fan site. It described a character called "Bubby Tream" and how he had to "hide his sty". It ended, tragically, with how his "ally gone and turned into bats".

It was classic stuff.

We were 16.

A bin. Next to it a sign which reads "Lewis Carroll Birthplace".

Didn't know Lewis Carroll was born in a bin.

Things my grandma says will make you go blind (in probability order):
• Swearing in a church
• Wanking
• Looking at an eclipse (without use of a cardboard box)
• Putting poo in your eyes

INCORRECT DOCTOR WHO OPINION
Colin Baker was rehabilitated by Big Finish.

CORRECT DOCTOR WHO OPINION
Colin Baker was amazing to begin with what are you talking about.

Come to think of it, the other day I thought I was eating a packet of crisps but it turned out it was a bin bag full of poppadoms.

Matt Cornah (human boy) holding a small metal stick, approximately 20cm long. He looks disappointed.

DAMN IT.

It's the episode of Star Trek I will NEVER stop thinking about till my dying day. On my death bed, as I breathe my last, I'll suddenly think, "can't believe Janeway banged Tom Paris" and then expire.

Their salamander sprogs are adorable though. I WANT ONE.

Please pass my condolences on to your Dad and his rubbishy old stick.

(I've always wanted to say that.)

I think I can do it! I don't think you appreciate just how seriously I'm taking this.

I'm thinking 10 ft, what d'you reckon?

Gonna buy a barge pole so that I can not touch some things with it.

What is it with other people's houses never having fizzy drinks in? Not everybody wants tea or booze. I WANT BUBBLES.

Well, I did manage to get Mr Chris Allcock--someone I admire and respect--to talk about, possibly even THINK about, my bum.

So in some ways this is a huge victory for me.

Gonna recalibrate face ID so it recognises my bum instead of my face.

Can't argue with MySpace circa 2006!

That's a credo I live my life by actually. I bloody love Tom.

Had to miss Bin Day over Christmas so today is the first proper Bin Day since November.

I'm just saying, I really think today is going to go down in history.

I DISAGREE.

Hello I'd like to make a claim on my insurance.

Is it because of a thing that happened?

Yes.

I'm sorry, our policies only cover things that would never happen.

I once dated JRR Tolkien. He was a fantasist.

Tripped over my shoelaces this morning.

Gonna be on high alert for banana skins, suspiciously-placed rakes, etc.

I'm wearing a new pair of trousers today and I want everyone to know they're extremely comfortable.

They're the most boring trousers you've ever seen. I don't even know what possessed me to buy them.

But I did. And I'm wearing them now. And they're comfortable as fuck.