Matt Cornah

Don't be hard on yourself, your bobbles are magnificent.

I think I'd make a brilliant bouncer.

A shady cabal is secretly spreading negative propaganda about high seas plundering.

(Piracy cons theory.)

That's true actually. ESPECIALLY the sexy ones.

There are too many songs about love and not enough songs about crisps.

You've always been Chris to me.

Amazing!

I want to reciprocate but lack the requisite pun-telligence. Erm... erm... Crypt Allpumpkin?

Might need workshopping.

If you do a long and energetic dance routine for a cat, and she hisses at you... that's just her way of showing her appreciation, correct?

I mean, who beeps you on a zebra crossing?

Not a rhetorical question - I want names and addresses.

Psychopaths.

Good tip - I'll keep you posted.

It's the last day of my 30s so I'm imbuing everything I do with a weird unearned significance.

Just did my last poo, for instance.

Got a new conspiracy theory for you!

Those family treee places where you send them your DNA to analyse and they post back a load of graphs of your ethnic breakdown and stuff?
THEY MAKE IT ALL UP.

Mint flavour shower soap is all fun and games until you decide to eat a bit as a little treat.

Turns out it doesn't actually taste like After Eights.

Things I would buy if they were sold separately:
• The delicious dust at the bottom of a peanut packet
• The delicious dust at the bottom of a cereal packet
• The delicious briney juice inside a packet of halloumi

Oh bums, just realised I've got a week left of being a thirtysomething. Need to get my life sorted out! AND FAST!

And what could be more festive than a worm willy? ANSWER ME THAT.

Gonna have this reply framed. 😁

I don't know who needs to know this but I think I might be part worm.

Glad SOMEONE bought my autobiography.

Some advice I'd like to bestow upon my younger self: spend less time worrying about your hair and more time working on your personality.

Actually that's not bad advice for my present day self.

I'm pleased to have made your horrifically unpleasant bum bother slightly more fun.

Or possibly less fun, come to think of it...

The music that plays when Sonic the Hedgehog is about to drown is also the music that plays in my head when I really desperately need a poo.

ESPECIALLY the bum.

Exciting news, I am now available in 3D.

When will people learn that free speech means I have the right to say whatever I want, not other people?

Turning off that-thing-that-makes-the-framerate-go-all-wrong-on-modern-tellys in hotel rooms is doing god's work.

Even my opinions about people with received opinions are received.

IT'S CHRIIIIISTMAAAAAS!

I like to point at random objects and say, in an angry tone, "I hope that's not what I think it is".