pleased to report that i was on the verge of a mental breakdown BUT that i’ve found myself in a waffle house in atlanta georgia and it’s already a healing experience

had too many emotional growth moments this week so my brain decided to throw in a good ol’ “we definitely have at least two types of life-threatening cancers” spiral because god forbid i have a moment of peace

i should have listened to myself months ago when i said “i love learning but being a student is bad for my mental health” because the last 2.5 weeks have really proved it to be true

update: after several days of trying to re-align myself, i’ve accepted that i shouldn’t let myself feel like this and sent an email to the advisor asking for options to drop the course

not me thinking i was ~healed enough to start grad school and then one less than ideal grade on an assignment has sent me spiraling. love that for me.

not my best friend getting engaged in the day one of my worst fears comes true (finding bed bugs) because the world is full on contradictions

i fear this is me 🫡

(in my defense i mostly wanted to be in a city with a political leaning that matched my own, but the point stands i still never go out)

anywayyyyy we’re allowed to have opinions and maybe it’ll be a sleeper album for me but for now i’m not adding any of these to my main playlist

like the statement (paraphrasing) that the album was written in one of her happiest moments of life and that reflects in the sound?…i don’t hear it…

also like storytelling and lyric-wise i don’t think any of these songs thematically add to her body of work. only expand on existing themes, and not in a way that felt exciting or fun of particularly creative to me

like, do I have a different definition of pop music than most of ya’ll because none of these get my heart racing!!! that’s what good pop music should make me do!!

a close up of a man 's face with a serious look on it . ALT: a close up of a man 's face with a serious look on it .

okay yeah in a third listen and reading some reviews i’m just ?????

okay actually on a second listen i’m realizing i was promised pop bangers and dance tunes and this is….not that…

eldest daughter is genuinely the only track 5 that’s emotionally damaged me on the first listen so if nothing else that’s a success of an album

why so tired can’t focus all day then get zoomies at 9:30 p.m. and then can’t fall asleep thus further fueling inability to get good sleep at normal times

years ago i created a bookmark that just says "for when you're sad" and it's on online radio station that plays 1D's catalog on shuffle and it was perhaps one of my most effective and radical forms of self-care

is everything bad and will never be good again or am just dealing poorly with the heat wave

can’t believe i decided to pivot into healthier snacks the week before we’re starting war with iran so all i have to stress eat as a sweet treat are some dried mangos. don’t get me wrong i love dried mango but they don’t feel up to the task of this situation

i haven't driven a car in six (blessed) months and it started raining and my first thought was still "oh god did i roll up my windows" so i guess i'm not over the stress yet

also excited that i can now repeatedly listen to the album without feeling mildly guilty about it like rep is really so special to me

sad that there may not be a reptv but also something so special to me about taylor saying that she doesn’t think that album could be improved like it’s so validating because it’s truly the perfect album to me

working in admin at a university, i sometimes am separate from the student flow on campus which can be a challenge but waiting in line at the campus coffee shop during finals week has once again reminded me that i’m deeply thrilled i’m no longer an undergrad worried about my GPA

my therapist has started saying “you’re intellectualizing” after i respond to her questions the same way one might spray a cat who jumps up on a counter with a water bottle. so therapy’s going really well.

i unknowingly ended up in a room with human thumb pete ricketts and the only redeeming factor is that there’s an open bar pray for me

update: she complimented my “very good” skills in avoidance and intellectualizing my feelings but also now appears convinced that my Trauma is genuine

there’s been both good and disappointing things about my new job but one thing i absolutely can’t complain about is that i have an office all to myself so when i’m feeling Too Much (often) i can close the door and have some Floor Time in the Dark

i’ve really been trying to give my boss the benefit of the doubt but he’s on a family vacation this week and has sent me 4 separate emails about non-urgent things today so my ability to give grace is reducing.

apparently me and my boss have the same birthday and i feel some sort of way about that

did an intake with a new therapist today and tragically i think i was too forthright and funny and she’s not convinced of my Deep and Serious Issues

the point of this is that i'm trying to remember good things and be grateful for friends and those i care about to find little joys and this memory was one of them