I'm hearing they've given the Ayatollahship to Sam Allardyce til the end of the season

You: Oh my god the house is on fire!

Me (wise, has read books): And you're surprised? Houses have been on fire before [as the flames consume us both] Furthermore,

Imagine two cows having sex. Now imagine them wearing tiny hats. What's wrong with you?

My sense of timing is horrific and I’m forced to conclude that it just isn’t the right moment for my new men’s fashion accessories collection using the ‘Epstein Ties’ branding.

My niece thinks she is a witch. I'm trying everything I can possibly do to convince her that she's not, but it's tremendously difficult to do so when you've been turned into a newt.

[crime scene]

me: looks like the killer
severed their head and
gave them a haircut

detective: but
theres no body?

me: yeah they should
have used a volumizing
shampoo or something

A rocky outcrop in the centre of the scene, with boulders and pebbles scattered around. In the distance, some gently rolling hills, and endless sand. All under a butterscotch sky.

You live in a time when you can see on your phone high-res photos taken over the weekend by a nuclear-powered rover on Mars.

(Crouching down, placing one hand in the slime trail right behind a snail) A snail was here, not 1 hour ago.. (Standing up) We're gaining on him

ME: time to sleep

BRAIN: what if you were in a bathroom stall and a giraffe walked in

sounds like a horrifying fate straight from mythological punishments

Therapist: how’s your personal life going?

Me: do i have another life?

My grandpa's last words before he died were 'Pints! Gallons! Liters!' That speaks volumes.

Oh, the grand old duke of york
He ██████████████████
He ██████████████████
And he ██████████████████

111 Years Ago Today: The Onion February 19, 1915 Frontpage

111 Years Ago Today: The Onion February 19, 1915 Frontpage

FRIEND WHO I HAVEN'T SEEN IN A WHILE: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four?

ME: i have no idea what he's for

Victoria Wood - As Seen On TV (15th February 1985). Then it was, what do you think of Marx? I said I think their pants have dropped off.

People are very reluctant to believe that a) living in a democracy is a huge responsibility and if you’re not engaged and informed, that is a failure by you and you should try harder b) how people vote is a profound expression of their values and how they see the world

But it’s very obviously true

The sass of the person writing the minute by minute on England v Scotland is to be admired

Far-right thug Tommy Robinson flees UK after police warning over terror threat Far-right thug Tommy Robinson took to social media this evening to proclaim himself a 'priority target' for ISIS, adding he had fled the UK after receiving a call from Bedfordshire Police

Fighting age man flees his homeland to seek asylum on overcrowded island.

Screenshot of Tommy Ten Names, claiming he's afraid and fleeing the UK.

Just checking, it's now ok to flee your homeland, because you're afraid for your safety, and seek refuge in another Country?

Glad we've cleared that up. Let's hear no more about immigration and refugees then.

before catching a play by a hip playwright, 08:00 S02E05 Gone March 30 2001

TV guide for this weekend's action:

✅️Six Nations
✅️U20s Six Nations
✅️Super Rugby
✅️Ireland Club XV v Scottish Club XV
✅️Top 14
✅️RE Championship
✅️PWR
✅️Champ
✅️PREM Rugby Cup
✅️League One
✅️Celtic Challenge

#SixNations2026 | #GuinnessM6N

[handcuffed]

officer, the Dow is at the highest it’s ever been!!!

Still the greatest list ever complied.

Old tweet from @shelfcomedy: me: god, why must you give me your hardest battles god: i don't. you are my weakest soldier and these battles are so easy. it's an email why are you crying

The morning so far

Dr Charles Nichols in The Fugitive, playing with his glasses and looking vaguely evil

You know he would have had like 750 emails in the Epstein files

[misfortune cookie] that wasn't pork