Steve

Five anonymous Pentagon officials confirm that everyone in power actually had their eyes closed and ears plugged during all the parts when the war crimes were committed

New movie about Jesse Eisenberg profiling Hailey Welch called The End of the Tuah

Indiana Jones seeing a piece of poop in an old dungeon: Poop... I hate this stuff

You gotta respect MJ for picking a quack murder doctor with the perfect level of funny name - not too over the top ridiculous, but just specific enough that I laugh every time someone says their doctor is Dr. Conrad Murray

They should make a movie about a neurotic, fastidious fat guy and a skinny guy who’s a mess

It's scary to imagine what would happen if the Joker smoked weed

They should make an Eyes Wide Shut for Thanksgiving

Sad to think that at this point in his career if actor and comedian Steve Martin were to die from accidentally getting shot through the head with an arrow, it wouldn't even be that funny or ironic anymore. It would mostly just be a horrific tragedy

It's pronounced Olivia Noose-y because having to hear about her makes you want to stick your damn head in one!

To be clear this is a brand new dance that I just invented

I've invented a brand new type of dance, called the Boot Scootin' Boogie

Breadcrumbs can be "baked" into a loaf of bread. I think that was the main part of it

According to today's WSJ, setting money on fire makes up 90% of GDP growth. Trying to extinguish the money fire could trigger a recession. We can't afford to put out the money fire

That's awesome, thanks for sending me the pics!

What the heck

The fruits are obtusely 3-lobed, densely papillose capsules

Rap is bad now because they don't make any good products anymore. You used to be able to rap about Bubble Goose jackets and Coogi sweaters and the Cutlass Ciera, and rap was good, but now you can only rap about bluetooth speakers and $150 sweatpants and those mesh shoes everyone has

Beginning to suspect my latest gang stalking target assignment is a secret shopper hired by the company to covertly assess my gang stalking performance

They’re shooting my ass with darts that make me more awake

Beer is good... but what's really good, is saving $7

Birth of child…. Marriage… Then probably the beer thing

The store getting in a brand new seasonal beer and it rings up 50% off because they use the same UPC as the old seasonal beer they were trying to get rid of. Not many feelings in life better than that

Forgot to let the flavors meld when I was cooking tonight. All the flavors stayed separate

Experts believe that due to his well-documented love of having his thang sucked on, former president Bill Clinton may have received immense pleasure from the oral by current president Donald Trump.

Wrote a song about Dianne Wiest in my head last night while watching Hannah and Her Sisters that would be a 100% number one billboard pop hit. But I forgot to write it down at all and it’s gone now

I've heard of going to the poles, but this is ridiculous

When you get a job at a newspaper you have to check if it's one of the ones where you report on child sex trafficking rings or one of the ones where you call to warn the child sex traffickers that other people are reporting on them

There's a clipboard hanging on the freezer and you have to sign that you're not going to try to clone him