Commander Quinoa

When he was young, he was child porn. Tough break

They waited to strike until the middle of the day to make sure the school was full

You gotta keep em separated

Or at minimum “might makes a powerful distraction from the multiple allegations the president is a child rapist”

Operation Epic Furry? These guys are way too online

They don’t even blur your name out well enough it can’t just be read

Wasn’t trump advocating for a ban on any regulation by any state on AI for a decade like 6 months ago?

That's great and all but who still believes what DHS is saying? They have already said they have "left" Minneapolis twice in the past month yet they are still there

I’m not convinced the photo you’ve attached to the post is terribly appropriate for such a joke

It’s weird that I can’t make out lyrics in pretty much any song UNLESS the singer is from the North of England. Oasis, Morrissey, the Beatles, and a couple others I can understand almost every word in their songs. In the case of Oasis they are much easier to understand in song than spoken word even.

She can establish herself as the preeminent medical mind in this administration by simply saying she’s never snorted cocaine off a toilet seat

Ugh, I ate half a sandwich from KFC for lunch before concluding it wasn't cooked thoroughly and tossing the rest. My stomach already sounds like I swallowed a nervous basset hound whole. It's going to be a long evening I fear.

I just assumed that the blanket had her and Lewandowski's DNA on it and she wanted the evidence of their fucking to not be out in the wild

The company is called Joby? They are creating a helicopter taxi service and decided to name it with something that rhymes with Kobe? Why not start a zepplin taxi service and call it the Blindenburg?

You are breaking this news? This thing that happened on live TV about 10 hours ago and has been reported on by hundreds of other journalism outlets already? I think you all don't know what "Breaking" means in a news context

When Cameron was in KC Land, let my Cameron throw.

They got hit by snowballs. If it happened to a fourth grader this wouldn’t be a story. Maybe cops should be expected to be as resilient than a fourth grader and move on

So he was on duty as security when he was shotgunning bud light?

Not Penny’s boat?

Blerg. I’m really working on my Portuguese and I think i can do all those so long as you’d accept “I broke the bathroom with a large tree mouse again” for the last one

Sure cannon sucks but also it really doesn’t matter. There’s plenty of information in the public sphere to make it clear trump attempted a coup. Half the US has decided they are fine with the end of the whole “peaceful transfer of power” thing so long as their favorite child rapist gets to rule.

Maybe she’s at the bottom of that bottle. Only one way to find out

The Big 10 should make a rule banning the fuck the Mormon chants but also allow denigrating soaking. Here the individual isn’t allowed to chant anything rude but they can bring a speaker with them that they can let their friend turn on for them that plays a prerecorded message of “fuck the Mormons”

Is this not a subtweet?

Sorry but if you want my horny Panera content, you’re gonna have to sub to my onlyfans like all the other horniboyz™️

It's very clear that many of his supporters saw someone who got to rape minors with impunity and thought "how can I get a piece of that action?"

Spam email saying my account at panera got me haxxorred and that they have pics of me jerking it to porn. They will delete in exchange for BTC

Oh no you guys. My zeal for terrible sandwiches, coffee from an urn, and masturbation has finally caught up with me.

What a tremendous coincidence that he and his girlfriend happened to have pressing FBI business at the exact same time and place as the Olympics. That private jet ride was serendipitously timed I guess.

Grok: Blackberries *wink*

I had someone ask if I was Canadian today. They were so apologetic about getting it wrong and I was just like “oh my goodness, do you think I pass as Canadian? Really? Oh god. Thank you so much!”