Mar/Cleo idk anymore

I dont know if I want to live or die anymore I haven't known for months. I'm stuck in this hellish middle ground and I dont know what to do so I've sat here paralyzed by the options and theory of what i could do or who i could be, unable to choose. I just wish I had direction.

Why is it hard to feel anything. It feels like it haven't felt for weeks or even months

I understand now
What do i start with?

give every transgender person a mech suit

I kinda just want to make art

I need for 2 things to happen
1) Transition
2) People STOP FUCKING TALKING TO ME ABOUT BOOYAH BAY

Yeah I think im just broken

Oh and absoLUTELY not a dom in any way shape or form I like to comfort and teach and shit and I am FIREY passionate but uhhhhhh yeah I am in no way a person who would wear the proverbial pants in a relationship

I just know im most likely not a boy, trying to figure it out otherwise before I come out to my friends

Getting gender envy from a fictional character in streetwear again I should fuck around and transition

Holy fuck I have been frustrates and stressed and feeling like shit and all around hard

Midterms
Bf broke up with me
Phone broke
No hot water
Legs overworked
Migraine

All for the past 2 weeks

I fucking love eating my feelings 2 days in a row fuck love fuck men fuck

Its been so long since I haven't felt nothing, no joy or sadness or much else since Riptide I think, I dont like this feeling but dont know what to do about it
Its been like this since I was 11-12 but something tells me this isn't normal

I need to paint my walls with buckshot

I can't do shit I just want to be a statistic rn

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

Id be so fucking hot if I could breathe through my nose and didn't have to wear glasses

I might be better off with something pierced through my skull

I dont feel safe coming out more than I have, I dont have any friends that are available and within about 45 minutes of me, I'm basically only sticking around for my sister's birthday right now and then leaving so I can fucking get out of here, even if its to a more conservative part of the stateqq

My family is a bunch of racist, transphobic, homophobic, narcissistic, victim card playing, head up their ass pieces of shit and I'm convinced the only ones who like me in this house are my step-dad, my dog, and cats. I can't wait to move back out for college to get away from them.

My dad's dead, my grandma's dead, my grandpas are both dead, my aunt is dead, my brother is sick constantly, and my mom's cancer has spread from her breadt to her back and is killing her

I can't fucking do this anymore