Ghost of Norm Macdonald

This weekend, veteran news anchor David Brinkley apologized to Bill Clinton, for an election night commentary in which he called the President, quote, "boring and uncreative."

Admitted Brinkley, "There was certainly nothing boring and uncreative about the way you moved Vince Foster's body."

In next week's Life Magazine, pop star Michael Jackson appears in a pictorial with his infant son.

The photos show Jackson changing, feeding, and cradling the baby boy - in what Jackson himself promises will be Life Magazine's sexiest issue ever.

After thirty years of nonstop touring, The Grateful Dead is finally breaking up.

Fans of the group, formerly known as "Deadheads", will now be called "Homeless People."

People in fourteen states have reported getting sick after eating Schwan ice cream.

They're not sure which flavor is the problem.

Their vanilla. Their chocolate. Or their uncooked pork swirl.

And finally, next Thursday, Americans everywhere will celebrate the holiday of Thanksgiving.

Or, as turkeys refer to it:

"Murder Day."

Well, a beef-flavored water for dogs hit stores this week.

And dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrival next month of the newest water flavor:

Other Dogs' Asses.

The Obamas are not stunningly good people. Obama was elected because he promised economic reform and then appointed to his cabinet every person who was responsible for the Bush banking crisis. Ontop of setting the record for civilian drone strikes. I beg you to actually educate yourself.

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

And finally... in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year old daughter to take the wheel of his car. And an accident ensued, that damaged seven other cars, and injured six people.

Which once again proves my theory:

Women can't drive.

Cold fusion IS a very real and viable thing.

At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out against same-sex marriages.

What's more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.

Earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on Larry King Live. Among them that, quote, “Hollywood is run by Jews.”

The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.

At a press conference this week, Washington mayor Marion Barry said he wants private businesses to provide five thousand summer jobs for a district youth program.

He also wants some crack.

This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, after grisly photos of the murdered Nicole Brown Simpson were shown in court, O.J. turned his head away and wept.

It was at that moment that he realized...

He would never be able to kill her again.

(excitedly) Yippie!! Jerry Rubin died last week!!

(pauses, and looks down at his notes. Looks back up at the camera, somberly)

Oh, I'm sorry. That should read, "Yippie Jerry Rubin died last week."

Sorry about that. I'm sorry. My mistake completely. Just... I didn't read it right.

Well, Gary Busey left the hospital this week after overdosing on cocaine last Friday.

Doctors say Busey is okay, and he should be back in the hospital in no time.

In business news, this week K-Mart introduced its new credit card. And already, the chain has been swamped with applications.

So if you apply for a K-Mart credit card and are turned down, kill yourself.

Then you're not really paying attention.

Basketball superstar Michael Jordan has scored a slam dunk with his new men's fragrance, selling one and a half million bottles of Michael Jordan Cologne in the first two months.

No, the scent does not smell like Michael Jordan after a game.

It smells like Patrick Ewing.

To illustrate the point that their client is running out of money to defend himself, O.J. Simpson's lawyers said this week that if he had to do it over again... after killing his victims, O.J. would now rob them as well.

Retarded.

What a disgusting human being you are.

Whose we?

What comes next, you can't put back in a bottle.

No one should be celebrating what happened to Charlie Kirk.

Once you normalize political violence against your opponents, nothing is off the table. That’s not the kind of society anyone should want to live in.

And if you think it won’t happen to your side, you’re very naive.

While performing in New York this week to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a Bible.

Most shocking of all?

Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.

At a rally in California this week, Bob Dole urged voters to ignore polls which have him trailing President Clinton by double digits.

In addition, Dole asked them to ignore newspaper headlines next Wednesday that say "Dole loses in landslide."

Due to a change in policy, Amtrak employees will no longer be able to kick homeless people out of Penn Station based on the way they look.

From now on, they will have to go solely on urine stench.

A Nobel Prize winning scientist has been arrested on charges of sexually abusing a fifteen-year-old boy.

Though the arrest really shouldn't come as a big surprise. His Nobel Prize was in child molesting.

The Franklin Mint has announced plans to market a Princess Diana porcelain doll. And the timing of the move has made some people very unhappy.

Critics charge that the doll is in poor taste. And they're even more upset about the Franklin Mint's other new offering:

Porcelain land mines.