Ian Power

NOW!

WHAT DO WE WANT?

TIME TRAVEL!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

Tap water?

No.

Bottled water?

No.

Rain water?

No.

Muddy puddle with green scum on top water?

FUCK, YEAH!

~ My dog.

Recreate the joy of having teenage kids by talking to brick walls and giving lots of money to people who think you're an idiot.

I just happily discussed last week's Gardeners' World special with my neighbour. It's all over for me, isn't it?

There’s little interest in bank saving account puns.

I’m - they’ll always be Marathons to me - years old.

Fuck's sake! I've been lost on spaghetti junction for 30 minutes now. This is past a joke.

Marge Simpson’s family emigrated to America from High Barnet.

Electronics manufacturer, Siemens, used to have a regional office in Staines. They always had trouble recruiting receptionists.

Do you remember the fashion for baggy trousers? It was madness, wasn't it?

Life tip: if you're happy don't show it. There'll always be some arsehole who'll resent that and try their best to change it.

Just read a piece about rich influencers trapped in Dubai and I don’t know when my tears will cease.

I think we're due a bad spell of wether.

I’m - I can remember the lyrics to obscure 80s songs but can’t remember why I’ve just come into this room - years old.

I came into some money recently. The bank teller wasn't impressed.

My drama about The Red Arrows has been commissioned by ITV3. We hope to start filming a pilot in May.

I’m - nods approvingly at the quality of strong bin liners - years old.

I'm on the French carb-free diet. It's tough, but you know what they say: no pain, no gain.

If they don’t play classical music and serve real ale I’d want my money back.

Fucking foreigners, coming over here and saying something sensible!

My dog growls at his own arse after he's farted. I love that idiot.

“How much for the textured lube?”

"That's crunchy peanut butter, sir!"

“...How much?”

At work we recently discussed what the ‘kids’ listen to nowadays. I tuned into Radio 1 for about an hour. I think I can safely say that they mainly listen to shit nowadays.

“How much for the twat magnet?”

“That’s a Union Jack t-shirt, sir!”

...“How much?”

"...and the second nun says - yes it does, doesn't it?".

Whenever Freddie Mercury had a temperature he became taller.

I wish God hadn't made me so gullible.

As a young man I’d meet mates in the pub every Sunday lunchtime, where we’d swap stories about the stupid shit we’d done the night before. Nowadays, young people find out almost instantly via social media. I can’t help but think they’re the ones who’ve missed out.

People who say "just being honest". They're the best, aren't they?

I've fallen for a woman who's into coke. I think it's the real thing.