Future Spa

An impromptu game of Sensor Ball has erupted in the Gamma Lawn! Grab a racquet, take a shot of Amino-Stack, and see if you can sense-hit the ball!

Just released! Future Spa U original research (FSUOR) found that when you add the word “Bulgarian” to your exercise routine, there’s a 70% chance that you’ll see 10% better results.

Try it out!
Bulgarian Push-Ups
Bulgarian Dumbbell Lifts
Bulgarian Hanging Leg Raises

This weekend only! 45% discount on Flomega-12 hypershots at the Bum Shack. They perfectly thin your blood to reduce internal resistance during maxi-rep workouts.

We’re holding a 20 minute lunge symposium tomorrow, followed by our semi-annual Squat Tech seminar.

Question to whet your quads: What is the farthest you’ve ever lunged when doing lunges?

Tonight we’ll be showcasing the new documentary, “1, 2, 3: The Visual History Of The Rep” in the Viper Lounge.

Afterward, there will be a Q&A with director Holly Chamberossa.

Enjoy stationary bikes but kinda miss moving around? Our new fleet of Epsilane Pros are formulated to move at the pace of a Slockcrawler from Epsophage-7. For every 10,000 revolutions, the bike moves 1 micron. In a few years, we expect them to be scattered through the spa!

After four months of traversing the grounds, Skippy the Robo-Dustbuster has finally captured enough dust to fill its 14oz bin. As you might expect, the dust is exquisite.

Good news for that guy who keeps slipping on the path between the Lazy Almond Pool and Cabana #4B! We lined it with tiger paw grip pads. What was slick, will now grip.

Enjoy yourselves.

We put a community saxophone next to the piano in the mezzanine. If a sultry solo or a dizzy duet is calling to you, jump on it!

Resident spatographer, Rick Slice, has installed new wayfinding signs throughout the spa. They’ve confirmed what we already knew about Future Spa: no matter where you are, there are jacuzzis in every direction.

The Spa Scouting Crew recently ventured into a nearby cluster of micro black holes and bathed the lil guys in an exfoliating wash. The black holes emerged sparkling! Move along now, ye less-black holes, and have a little fun while you're munching your matter.

Seminar Alert: Not sure why, but Dark Purple energy is mutating the muscles of anyone who uses the Terrace Steam Room for more than 15 minutes. Hank Magetty will demo the pros and cons of receiving these enhancements. 3pm, Starlight Atrium.

Future Spa has roughly 12 miles of banisters. And they're seeing the effects of being blasted for years with gasma rays and stardust. Nothing a little steel wool and Planet Rouge Polishing Compound won't fix.

A free range planet is swooping near the spa at noon, spa-time. This rogue planet, which is named the Rouge Planet, will be swiftly boarded by our miners. They'll harvest a bunch of the planet's abundant rouge metal polishing compound, and we'll use it to buff out our banisters.

Is it cliche to macrame a fondue cauldron? If you answered "No!" then please join our 4pm workshop in Chillport 2.

Speaking of pedicures: we spotted a lone pedi chair floating through space. What kind of anguish must someone be in to hit the eject button?

Immunopoof Cough Compressors are half off for the rest of the day at Gary Guacamole's Health Hut. So, like, hurry! #health

So we modified the pitch/speed of the motors to produce not a whirr, but a pulsing, danceable 128bpm beat. It's driving the beat of the spa.

We have a bank of smoothie blenders running 18 hours a day. It's the only way to keep up with demand.

You may have noticed that while so many people are cruising around with a smoothie in hand, the whirr of our blenders is nowhere to be heard

Think twice before you call someone "wide body"

The dual-action IcyHot chamber will cooly dull the pain after a full body workout, while also mentholly warming your innards.

After weeks of resdev, tonight we'll be opening the doors of our new Walk-In IcyHot Pak. It's like a full body, immersive IcyHot!

And then Russia launched a Spacia-Spin IntelliProbe, powered by 12 buff astronauts, and then towed the jacuzzi over to their space station?

Remember when NASA launched the first jacuzzi into space, & the intrepid AstroBear on board just soaked for 2 years & refused to come back?

No, but I have an idea for a space spa. "@DARPA: Have an idea for a spaceplane that can launch 10 times in 10 days, go Mach 10...?"

Just got bummed out thinking what if pumice stones only came in one color. And that color was gray. #palettes #appreciation

We're instituting a spa-wide ban on false-color motivational posters. While visually arresting, they just don't reflect life in the sauna.

If a tree falls in outerspace and breaks the sound barrier, does it make a sound? #noscience #justfitness

And then we're going to coat our orbiting satellites with the leftover glowing green dye. Sick of seeing those beige satellites.