utility grade beef council 🍞🌹🍉

(my parents, basically)

boomer lib types, smug in their superiority to boomer fox news watchers, who've made maher's show part of their fri night routine for so long it's become a comfort thing, a security blankie they won't let go of no matter how many times their adult kids point out how he's a creepy prick w/ shit takes

Give a man a fish and someone with a thousand fishes is going to bitch about people getting free handouts. Teach a man to fish? Yeah, that person with a thousand fishes is going to bitch about that too.

thinking about how i get anxious writing emails because i don't want to sound like a moron while larry summers is apparently typing emails like this:

u kno she dint want to talk tomorrow. make me bad pheel.

Man, fuck Merrick Garland

btw, that's what you call 'working'? fuck you. your ex shoulda gotten your cars in the divorce too, then hired a stunt driver to ram each one into a concrete block wall at top speed

"had to"

what an overgrown baby you are, carolla. she 'chose' (w/0 input from you, i'm sure) to manage the home and raise your kids, while you got to keep playing pretend frat boy in hollywood & bitching abt your wife & how hard it is to be a man in this world on podcasts no one pays attention to

(hope this isn't just me wishcasting pls god can it be real this time)

small & petty, but may this be the moment rich, high-profile real estate developers & their ilk get to learn that they're not owed an audience with elected officials at a snap of their manicured fingers & they can make an appt w/ city leaders like everyone else now

basically every 2024 truism is dead. Trump did not build a lasting multiracial coalition or turn young men into committed Republicans. You don’t need to cave on trans rights to win. The pundits have nothing left to tell you.

"antisemitism is bad. now, allow me to sprinkle tropes & dogwhistles all over this official statement in vociferous defense of tucker carlson & nick fuentes"

-the heritage foundation

no doubt! i'd probably never venture outside again after that

coulda lived the rest of my life in blissful ignorance of mole crickets. damn it

what horrors hath god wrought

I advocate for being kind to annoying pests for entirely selfless reasons that have nothing to do with my whole deal and how people generally react to my bullshit

My dad sent me this

yesssss okra's one of my faves <3

(also partial to farmer types who, from a safe distance ofc, bellow & clap back at their one unruly, stubborn cow)

old, alcoholic, prob divorced man (& his hound mix, duck) visited regularly by a coyote & a raccoon for hot dogs, play(?) biting, beer fetching/thieving & cuddles? content.

man with a drawl giving scritches to his raccoon friend leela (raccoon james' sister) in the backyard at twilight & gossiping, in a gruff but gentle voice, abt an absent raccoon friend who maybe just had babies? fucking content.

guy goes outside to find his corvid buddy & film him saying stuff? content.

posh chap buys grocery store salmon *specifically* to feed to his seagull friend who visits his 2nd flr apt for his daily easy catch meal? content.

the best mindless short form video genre is 'human befriends, names & just hangs out with wild creature sometimes'

lady whose goose friend lives at the park pond & shows up to her house sometimes for walkies & treats? content.

*slaps roof of image* you can fit so much fucking yuck in this bad boy

SNAP benefits expire in one week.

i wish i could say the word 'aunt' like 'aww-nt' & not like '🐜' without feeling weird & pretentious

i somehow avoided adopting 'warsh,' 'ruff,' 'crick,' & 'EYE-tal-yen' from the patois of the midwestern white, but '🐜' is still stuck to my tongue like a bur

A good way to tell someone has nothing valuable to contribute to a political discussion is if they’re still talking about “Bernie Bros” in 2025.

submitted for your approval: an ad to become a cop directly above a paragraph talking about one cop shooting another cop

NYT tweet: In @nytopinion The antidote to our polarized politics “is a creative, re-energized political center,” the Times editorial board writes. https://x.com/nytimes/status/1980486711332286887

The newspaper that mainstreamed Chris Rufo, Ben Shapiro, Bari Weiss, and Charlie Kirk renews its calls to meet fascists halfway:

my dog would try to eat it