Hannah Kate Kelley

Yes!

Yes, I would include the author bio in that word count!

close up of a hand flipping the page of a book that's resting in their lap

And voila! ✨

Thank you again for submitting to #RevPit #10Queries. As always, feel free to reply or DM me with any questions, even if these aren't your submissions. And you can find more writing tips from me at the link in my profile.

P10: Inner monologue is good, but can it go even deeper?Elaborate on MC’s motivation for their goal. MC seems distressed by finding no answers, so what are stakes-both external and internal? Will they struggle to survive? Fail to heal recent trauma? Fail to connect to others?

Q10: Strong comps. Important themes. Can’t place tone yet. Whimsical with touch of darkness, a la Practical Magic? Or much lighter/much darker? Also, what lead to MC’s accident? What negative external and/or internal repercussions did the accident have on their life that they’re trying to reverse?

P9: Strong prose that makes me feel I know the first MC immediately. The dialogue and inner monologue are snappy and funny, which is perfect tone for the genre. As long as there’s more of a hook at the end of this initial scene, I think these first few pages are query-ready.

Q9: Formatted well with each MC POV. Presents main conflict clearly. First MC could use more description. We know right away what second MC struggles with and why it's hard for them to love again. What is first MC’s biggest goal? What are the stakes if they stray from their rigid life path?

P8: Main conflict and MC’s fatal flaw feel apparent right away, and there’s good worldbuilding and description, too. I like how you waited to reveal purpose of villager’s death, but since MC’s sibling faces trial next, I think readers need to know more stakes and context before sibling enters trial.

Q8: Interesting premise with clear setup and inciting incident. There’s still room to add more context, so I think it’s important to know where the MC moves to in Act 2 and who they are living with. And who is the romantic interest, as suggested?

P7: Good sense of place and the protagonist’s curmudgeonly lifestyle. Opening pages could use a stronger hook. That may mean trimming some of the MC’s various interactions at work, and focusing on tightening the scene structure with increasing conflict against the MC’s scene goal.

Q7: Interesting external conflict and clear MC goal, but needs more context. Where does story take place? During the setup, is MC stuck in a literal or figurative area? Why did MC abandon their home in the past? And can we get a hint of what their internal character arc will be, if there is one?

P6: And strong first pages, too. Narrative drive makes me want to read the next page. Good balance of characterization, context, scene goal, and description. To play devil’s advocate: would starting the story with a prologue where MC faces off with their foe be a slightly stronger and faster hook?

Q6: Well-structured QL with punchy lines. Good comps and bio, too. Maybe add another line explaining MC’s internal stakes against falling in love with their enemy. What is the biggest thing holding them back from love with this person? Distrust? Dedication to duty? Something else?

P5: Nice quick pacing that jumps right into the inciting incident. I would also like to see more characterization for the two MCs, especially the primary MC. And some more context and backstory about the family, if possible. And watch out for headhopping.

Q5: Such an interesting concept. Genre may not be positioned correctly yet, especially if story has speculative elements. Pitch is short with plenty of room to expand. Give more insight into the two protagonists’ unique characters and motivations. What do they want most? What do they struggle with?

P4: A lot of exciting action, but sometimes too much action without a clear POV character can overwhelm readers. Consider narrowing down first pages to showcase one exciting part of the action, as well as choosing a POV character. The more we learn about one MC, the more we'll want to invest.

Q4: Interesting premise with promise of romantic tension. All the right information is here, but the QL could benefit from more organization and some trimming. Aim for just a three paragraph pitch with only the most crucial information on the external plot and romance.

P3: Good tension with warring communities, and I look forward to MC getting caught in the middle. Opening pages could use more immediate hook, and more info about MC’s character. Consider starting story with the action in scene 2, and breadcrumbing the warring conflict context in there instead.

Q3: Strong QL. Clearly outlines necessity for MC's false pretenses. Internal stakes and suggestion of themes are especially good. Word count might be a tad long for a debut in this audience and genre. And if the comp title shares your story's tone, be more specific about what that tone is.

P2: Solid opening pages that keep me wanting more. The humor feels genre-appropriate and clever. MC’s scene goal is pretty clear, but could use a little more context to understand what their deal is with their client and why the client is so surprised by the final event in the scene.

Q2: Strong pitch. Charming bio. Great example of matching tone and writing style in the opening pages. External plot could use more clarification. Why does the MC distrust their crew? It’s possible I’m missing the connection between MC's distrust and the external plot and their fatal flaw.

P1: Exciting setting, dark tone, and great looming threat. Could still use a stronger hook, and more character insight for MC as well as context for encroaching villains. What does MC want most in life? Who are the villains and why might they strike soon?

Q1: External plot is solid fit for enemies-to-lovers trope. Stakes could use more clarity, since one option appears to have more pros. If the MC isn’t affiliated with either political side, and both sides want the same objective, is there enough tension in the MC’s climactic choice between each one?

All #RevPit #10Queries submissions were randomly selected and distributed among all 12 of our editors. My writers will receive an email tomorrow morning confirming which anonymous feedback in this thread belongs to them. Each submission below is labeled with Q (query letter) and P (opening pages).

oil painting of a person in a dress reading a book

Time for my #10Queries feedback💫

It was such a pleasure to read these. Several look nearly submission-ready! For everyone, I hope this feedback will strengthen your pitch to agents, even if that involves another revision or so.

Now let’s get into the #10Queries. Can you guess which one is yours? 👀

Great! I offer manuscript evaluations if and when you get to that stage. I hope the beta reading goes well. If you're struggling to find some good beta readers, I always recommend Critique Circle to my writers.

Developmental editors aren't cheap, but we're worth it if your story needs structural support! Before writers come to me, I recommend they get 3-5 beta readers. You don't necessarily have to swap manuscripts with these readers, and you can find them in online groups or in-person writing groups.

Developmental Editing — Kelley Editorial | Developmental Book Editor for Fiction Writers Ready to revise your novel draft? Craft stronger stories with developmental editing for plot, structure, character, pacing, genre conventions, and style. Learn more →

Hi Sandy! I'm a developmental editor with some upcoming availability. What genre/s do you write?

www.kelleyeditorial.com/developmenta...

Developmental Editing — Kelley Editorial | Developmental Book Editor for Fiction Writers Ready to revise your novel draft? Craft stronger stories with developmental editing for plot, structure, character, pacing, genre conventions, and style. Learn more →

Hi David! I love dystopian stories. If you're interested in working with me, submit a quick intake form on my site:

www.kelleyeditorial.com/developmenta...

Yes! Dev editors can help save a lot of time and overwhelm in the long run. Just hopping in to say a manuscript evaluation (vs. a full dev edit) may be more budget-friendly and help with your biggest plot hiccups.