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She forged letters between the two of them while doing nothing to conceal the fact that their handwriting was identical.

We had a crazy aunt who claimed for years she was being courted by a wealthy Barron - when people stopped engaging with her nonsense and she couldn’t get any more attention from the story, 9/11 was the perfect opportunity for her to kill him off in the most dramatic way possible

No Republican has ever heard those words in that order and comprehended their meaning. I guarantee it.

I knew I recognized it from somewhere.

Also just now noticing the shoes. Very cool!

Had a fever dream last night that Shoresy went on the Great British Baking Show and idk exactly how to make that a reality but I think we should at least try

Which kingdom hearts boss did you have to beat to get those?

We have those birds by us. Fortunately, they’re only around seasonally.

Unfortunately I have a parrot that is around not-seasonally and he has learned to mimic them.

I’m convinced it’s part of some elaborate prank.

Headline: “Hulu Greenlights X-files revival from Black Panther Director Ryan Coogler.”

Me, out loud, in my office, completely compulsively & involuntarily to an audience of no one: “Malcom X Files”

Me: “alright devil… if you want my soul than duel me for it! I challenge you to a fiddle contest!”

Devil: “yeah… look, that’s just a folk song, man. I don’t actually play the fiddle…

Me: *narrowing my eyes* “neither do I…”

How stupid am I, you ask?

One time I had a dream where I met a cute girl and we were really hitting it off. When I was abruptly woken up by my alarm clock my immediate thought was “ah shit, I didn’t get to ask for her number.”

I’m gonna go with TV’s Alan Thicke, final answer.

The online domme one is def iconic. But the sister incest one adds a unique but unwelcome level of horror to the genre. Tough call really….

If anyone ever calls my support of the trans community into question I’m sending them this post.

Shouldn’t it be called “The State of the Confederacy Address”?

Sorry, all the good jokes were taken.

Given that the hospital usually makes you leave in a wheelchair I feel it’s my civic duty to inform trans people it’d be 100% appropriate to shout “TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!” when checking in for top/bottom surgery.

Picking up the fist sized lump of concrete that’s been lying in my back yard since I moved in.

“With this, I start my new business!”

It’s cool that the “secret” is the thing that everyone was yelling at her immediately and continuously through the entire ordeal.

They’re also terrified of everything and not at all above begging for handouts from anyone willing to hint them.

If I were a great artist I’d make like every 5th or 6th painting scratch & sniff but just not tell anyone

Now that the AI bubble is bursting i need to diversify my stock portfolio away from tech to capitalize on the market direction change. What’s the opposite of AI?

Hammers? Is it hammers?

I’m gonna invest in hammers.

Im bringing back the lost career of Harbinger. Nobody harbinges anymore but I think it’s just bc harbinging was never utilized to its full potential. Like what’s the main thing that gets harbinged? Doom, right? Well theoretically, you could harbinge anything: a fun party, a new job, a delicious cake

God to Ethan: “hey man, sorry about all that, I just needed to get you away from those idiots. You’re gonna dig it here though, we got dinosaurs, Sega Dreamcast - oh shit, are you old enough to remember Steve Irwin? You’re gonna love this guy, hang on.”

Basically what I’m saying is, if you’ve ever politely told a server they forgot part of your order, you’re already tougher than 99% of the people who are going to talk shit about you on here.

A lot of social media is just two or more people who are too scared to schedule their own dentist appointments arguing about which of them has the better plan for ruling the world.

What do you call the kind of discrimination it is where eating exclusively pastries for 2 meals a day gives me a tummy ache? Because I wish to lodge a formal complaint!

Suing my doctor for medical malpractice because he didn’t tell me how brave I was after my shot

Speaking as an objectively mid looking man who landed a total smoke show I can only say…. Fuckin shut up, man, I don’t know how this happened either but you’re gonna jinx it!

That clean penis thing really opens a lot of doors, let me tell ya.

This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time lol