Seriously Susan

Me: i gotta go home. i’m bleeding & my computers broken

Boss: looks like you just slammed your head through the computer screen

Me: what is this CSI?

I would like very much, in the new world order, to lead the Department of Consequences for the Rich & Entitled.

🎯🎯

I wish my ears had lids too. earlids. I wish I could close my ears when I wasn’t using them

“anyway so how’s your flesh prison been tho”

peta says its disgusting to own pets, so me and my wife are sending our chihuahua out into the wild, to live free as he was meant to. “good luck out there, Poptart!” i yell, moments before he’s scooped up by a medium sized bird.

Anyone know how I can go outside and make a snow angel without getting the least bit cold or wet?

How long does it take a Happy Meal to start working?

Be nice to people with glasses. We pay to see you

i still have 4 days left to win an olympic medal

Hello, I’m RFK Jr. I would suck anything that moves for a half a gram of black tar heroin. Here are my guidelines for vaccinating your newborn baby.

Here's compromised John Fetterman bragging about working with grifting MAGA Katie Britt while
unaccountable masked goins murder people in the streets.

Also: No mention of the epstein files.

Primary, defeat and hurl this man's career into the sun.

Display of packaged bread and buns in a store with a partially obscured sign that reads, "We will cut you..."

Ciabatta not fuck with them, they don't knead to put up with naan of your shit. You butter believe they'll crumb right at you and you'll be toast, your loaf over. Do you want your mama putting flours on your grave? Crust me, that's just how they roll. Okay, challah at you later.

if an adult plays the trombone in the peanuts universe it sounds like words

[Olympic tryouts]

“Your event?”
“Downhill.”
“Skiing?”
“No. Just going downhill.”
“Huh?”
“Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”

We’re officially cancelling the “guilty” part of guilty pleasures. Do not feel guilty about that cringy early 2000’s TV comfort show. Do not feel guilty about that spicy book. Do not feel guilty about that smooth smooth yacht rock or that 90s sitcom with 127 episodes a season. You’ve all earned it.

So many kickable faces in these files

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon's trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

Our very first Bring Your Pet to the Zoo Day will also be our very last Bring Your Pet to the Zoo Day. We don’t know what we were thinking.

Ran into my drug dealer today.
She was aggressively polite and wearing a sash.

Good news, crypto bros! Theres never been a better time for you to start smoking

(black widow spider playing fuck marry kill) I love this game

we at the republican party want a small federal government. so small it can squeeze into every aspect of your life. this will cost a lot of tax money

A large stuffed folder of files with the title “Epstein” is seen with what looks, at first glance, like a red page marker sticking out of the bottom. On closer inspection it is the bottom of a Trump red neck tie. French newspapers once again showing the kind of basic journalistic integrity lacking from most US national newspapers - whose collective negligence has helped ensure a man implicated in the world’s most notorious sex trafficking ring gets to remain President. That the orange pedo felon remains in office is a plague on all their houses. Cunts, one and all.

The cartoon that appeared this week on the front page of France’s most influential national newspaper, Le Monde

Brilliant work by the cartoonist, Guffo.

humans gave up claws in exchange for fine motor control

which they immediately used to invent acrylic nails

“If elected I will make them all curl up in a prison cell and cry like bitches” that’s what I want to see from you guys

the polish figure skating team in the kiss and cry holding a plush pierogi

IMPORTANT OLYMPIC NEWS:

THE POLISH FIGURE SKATING TEAM HAS A PLUSH PIEROGI

I know that I could never chop up a body with an axe should I ever need to dispose of a corpse. It’s not that I’m squeamish or anything, I just lack the necessary upper body strength.

Cheesy music:

* Colby, Stills & Nash

* Brie Dog Night

* Mozzarella Styx

* Fleetwood Mac & Cheese

* Parmesan-Funkadelic

* The Velveeta Underground.