The Angry Bartender

We’ve all heard “if you can’t afford to tip you can’t afford to go out” and sure, if that made you mad… there’s probably a reason. Truth hurts.

But how about this:

If you can’t afford to/won’t get an Uber because you had too much fun & drank more than planned.

You can’t afford to go out drinking.

When your regular has a horrible bargoyle ear-fucking them & you and your bartner feel helpless:

Bartner: “What do we do?!?”

Me: “I… I… I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna wee on him and claim him as ours. I think she’s a witch, so she’ll respect the laws of the forest.”

Bartner: 😳

Me: …

Bartner: Do it.

Can we stop accepting that if an employee makes a minor mistake/mental error that management can attack them like it’s catastrophic?

You’ve really never made a mistake?

Well you’ve aged 15 years since taking on the management position 16 months ago, and make half the money.

Who made the mistake?

We all wanted to make my our grandmother happy, but no grandma is perfect.

Mine said midnight snacks are bad for you. That’s silly, all snacks are good for you.

Begrudgingly I listened to her, because… Gotta love the grandma.

But I’m just here to say

“WHAT ABOUT A 6AM SNACK NANA!?! STOP ME NOW!”

That’s literally customers when they pull the “I’m never coming back here!”

They want some acknowledgment that they matter all because they don’t like the rules & don’t play well with others.

So, announce your departure all you want, but hush, grow up & be good or you get no dessert from daddy.

When you were a kid & didn’t like the rules, or your parents said no so you’d pretend to pack all your shit and you’re gonna leave?

You’re really just standing there, hoping, praying, just needing some sort of sign that they really want you around?

“Dear God please, let me know they care!”

You know how kids will push it, and push it, and think they’re funny but are just confused little creatures, in denial they’re covered in their own fluids, and not as smart, or cute, as they think they are?

Then when they go too far and are reprimanded they cry?

Wait… I meant drunk adults.

Listen, if I greet you “hey, how are you doing?” Or “what’s up?” Or “hey everyone” or whatever variation I use based on the crew I’m greeting and I get ignored/blank stares I follow up with:

“Okay, I’ll just go fuck myself.”

Louder than I probably should, but whatever.

Can we normalize this?

Listen, if you are going to bitch because a bartender at a bar you’ve never been to before cards you just know I don't give a fuck:

Who you know.
What you do.
Who your dad is.
How much you make.

Calm down, show your ID and adult the fuck up.

Or fuck off down a dark alley in a dangerous city.

👋🖕✌️

What’s betrayal?

Have you ever had a… umm, Mike? Let’s call him Mike.

You see Mike’s car park. Mike has drank rum & Cokes for 6 years.

It’s Mike’s drink.

You make said “Mike drink” & have it sitting in “Mike’s spot.”

He comes in, sits & says: “I’m going to swap it up today…”

That’s betrayal.

There are scenarios I will accept when people had to surrender a pet and I don’t hold it against them.

But doing so because they simply got old will never be one.

You’re their whole world and you just want a new model?

I hope you get traded in and left to rot in a poorly-run assisted-living home.

Shit Said Behind the Bar:

“The problem is their generation was raised by people who believed shoving the dogs face in pee was teaching.

Sadly, they raised their kids with that same mentality. They think it’s toughness, but it’s really just trauma.

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks, now people…”

If you have never even considered, leaving a positive review, it’s bad enough if you’ve never left one… you’re still trash, but to never considered leaving one… ever?

Just stay home. You can be miserable on your own & don’t have to infect the rest of the world with you, which really is just awful.

Please know if I say:

“What do I know, I just work here?”

I’m not being sarcastic.

I’m not telling you you’re right.

I’m not being playful.

I am letting you know you’ve done or said something completely idiotic and you are entering dangerous territory.

I will aggressively prove you wrong.

My fatal flaw is that I can easily tell if someone is crazy, but then I like to find out what level of crazy just to prove I’m right.

Expert Bar Hack #529:

We absolutely LOVE having our time wasted, & you are definitely the only person who matters, so please tell me you’re ready to order & then stare at the menu while I stand there silently for 45 seconds.

Hell, don’t even look at the menu til I come over but say you’re ready.

If you’re going to walk in and threatening my tip if you don’t get what you want, please understand I will quickly make sure you know that you need your money way more than I do.

Then, if you’re going to (totally secretly) whisper: “they don’t like us.”

Don’t get mad when I reply “I can hear you.”

Guy Tabbing Out: This is wrong, the shots were supposed to be on (Guy who has already tabbed and left)’s tab.

Me: The Green Teas?

Guy: Yeah!

Me: Did you tell me they were on his tab?

Guy: No.

Me: Weird, neither did he. Did you order them?

Guy: Yes…

Me: So, that’s your tab and it’s correct.

These are the same people who make up something to complain about every time they dine out, to try and get something free, or let’s be real, to justify not leaving the tip they never intended on leaving.

And I know what you’re saying, “Angry, is there a name for them?”

Yes, it’s ignorant trash.

It’s funny because I’ll post something on one of my social media accounts, or I’ll see something on a similar one like Bitchy Waiter’s or Matt’s and I love when people try and justify disagreeing with it and lump the whole industry in.

“I won’t ever tip because of this!”

Manager: What do we do when a coworker is going through a tough time and drinking too much to cope?

Me: Pour one up for each of because it’s only a problem if you’re drinking alone?

Manager: Yes… what? No!

Me: You said we need to be a better ‘team’.

Manager: STOP POURING!!!

Me: I got your back.

Therapist: So when would you say your anxiety began?

Me: When I was 6 I started collecting stickers & ended up with more than 400 of them. All kinds, Smurfs, He-Man, Fraggle Rock.

Therapist: Okay…

Me: What if I placed them & then hated the placement?

Therapist: I don’t think this is working out.

If I ask you what you’d like & you being a 60+ year old “man” cannot even say beer, liquor, or otherwise & just keep repeating “whatever you have the most of,” just know you’re really fucking lucky you got water, because it could have been way worse.

And, yes, now you will wait for something else.

I’m not sure if it’s fireworks, it’s not a backfiring car, and I hope it’s not the other thing (can’t say it because I’ll get in trouble with Sky Daddy), but it’s Christmas, not the 4th of July.

Calm down and act like you have 10% of the class you pretend to have for your social media “friends”.

Hear me out:

We all watch A Christmas Story.

Every time someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out” we take a sip of our drink.

We can even go the extra mile and take a shot if Ralphie says it.

To each their own, live where you’re comfortable, like what you like, and spend within your ability…

But if you decide to travel… anywhere.

REALLY, ANYWHERE!

If $4 is too much for a beer, listen:

We hate when people price shop, but for you & the person serving you, ask the price before you buy.

“Would you like to see a food menu?”

“I would.”

- I hand him a menu -

“Are you still serving food?”

“Why… why would I offer and give you a food menu if we weren’t?”

Customer: I don’t like the drink.

Me: Okay, what’s wrong?

C: I don’t usually like the taste of the -names 3 things-.

M: So both liquors and half the mixers, that are all listed on the drink menu?

C: Yeah!

M: So, you willingly ordered a drink made with multiples things you don’t like?

C: Yeah…

I'm not sure who needs to hear this, but when you go on vacation, stop budgeting to eat & drink at your hometown bar that has been family owned for 80 years.

Realize you're paying for cost, rent, and an actual place people actually want to visit where everyone isn't related.

Option 2, stay home. 🙃