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Trade in your leftover Christmas spirit and goodwill for some extra New Year hate and loathing.

I’m on a strict assorted cheese, celebration chocolate, and mini sausage roll diet.

It is ok to spend family gatherings hidden inside a kitchen cupboard.

Sprouts sprouts sprouts!!

Tesco won’t even let you make a ritual offering to the land spirits by slaughtering a boar and smearing the blood on fellow customers.

My slight cold is about to enter its 47th week.

I’m listening to a relaxation tape of screaming foxes.

Just out with the lads, sweating profusely.

Live. Laugh. Pray for the swift hand of death.

It’s difficult to find any time to have thoughts.

I’ve started thinking about the next egg I’m going to eat.

And that guy doesn’t need anyone

One day I want to be rich enough that someone else puts my bins out.

Who supports the support frog

Only wake me up if the Earth’s core stops rotating.

A poor effort 3/10.

Hope everyone is good and no one has fallen foul to a terrible curse.

Everyone’s just trying to live their life and avoid getting attacked by a goose.

A double life secretly eating carrot batons in the park.

To be honest, my chakras have seen better days.

No breaking wind during the gong ceremony.

Hoping to decrease the rate of decline in 2025.

Music is for keeping close and shielding from all others. Keep it in a dark pocket and turn the volume up when you’re alone.

Lots of discarded and frightened sprouts at this time of year.

Destroy the past and hide from the future.

‘Twas the bin day before Christmas

Place someone under an ancient curse this Christmas.

Shape your dream body now. Grow an ink sac. Unfurl your wings. Add an extra eye.

Hope a worm doesn’t crawl into your ear to whisper words of affection.

I’d like a Christmas advert where no one turns up uninvited and it’s just one man sitting alone eating 100 mini sausage rolls.