Magpie

That- that-

(Magpie dissolves into giggles until she starts to tear up)

Oh my god I’m gonna cry you can’t- Cal oh my godddd

(She curls in on herself as she laughs more)

Ahaha! Oh my god you’re serious, ha!

(Magpie puts a hand over her mouth to try and stop laughing)

You’re serious?

Hit me with one. This will be goooddd

(She crosses her arms with a pout)

Nuh uh. You said you’re gay. What’s a shit pun I can make with your name. Uhmmmm. Shittum bran.

YOU CALLED ME MAGPEE

Don’t You Ever Fucking Call Me That Again.

Well his gaydar must be off or he’s lying!! Cause you’re a 🚬gggggggggggggg man

People don’t have straight noses !! They’re curves !!!! 🏳️‍🌈!!!

You’re as atraight as a… aaaaaaaaa uhhmmmm. Limp noodle. A soggy piece of spaghetti that’s how straight you are you fuck. And I would ask a professional 🏳️‍🌈 but there’s none on the room cause you’re an IMPROVEDSOONAL 🏳️‍🌈

It’s not gay to not like kissing!! You wouldn’t even know ‘cause you ain’t never pulled a bitch in your life!!

How can you kiss no women and not be gay?

‘N besides. I didn’t like it. Kissing is gross.

(She makes a face and shakes her head)

Yuck.

Suuurrrreeee but I don’t really have any secrets. ‘M pretty open.

(She sighs)

Let see. Ummmmmm. ‘Mkay I got one. My first kiss was actually with a girl, isn’t that funny? It was one of my girl friends wayyy back when. She liked me.

I tollllddja that I’ll maybe consider your straight if you stop bringin that guy up.

Fuckin’ targay more like.

I’m not lazy I just do what I can with the least amount of effort. It’s called efficiency, babe.

An’ I don’t wanna be useful to Target. Ter. Targnet. Fuckin’- you know. I don’t wanna. There’s no point. Yallre all stupid.

I don’t half-ass anything. Asshole

Noooo go back to laughing at my jokes you !!! Hole ass !!

(She snorts then giggles again)

Bitch. 🏳️‍🌈.

Okay gayboyyyyy. Come back when you can get through a conversation without mentioning him. This is like…. your Bechdel test. Ha! Pechtold test. Hehe

Shaddup ‘bout your boycrush I don’t careeeee

I’m not trying cause you’r-

(She snorts as he hits his head, which turns into a full giggle fit)

You can’t kill me either. Bitch. Bitcchhhhhhhhh. I could kill you if I want, bitch. I’m a soldier of fortune you fuck

You’re the coward. How am I the coward here????

You’re such a cunt. Fuck you.

(Magpie lets him go and adjusts her hair)

What’s your fucking problem, dude?

Do you ever shut the fuck up??

(She lightly slaps him)

Shut! Up!

Shut it or I’ll kill you!! I will, you bitch!

You’re soggy!

(She stops trying to help and just punches him in the arm)

Fucking 🏳️‍🌈!! You’re the gay one!

No!!

(She sets the bottle down and stumbles over to help him up)

Nuh uh, you misheard. I didn’t say shit, you fuck. Fuck you !!!

Ehhhh it can be botha us. Freaks with gay ass parents.

Nope? Not- hold on. Misspokw. Fay freaks. Gay. With bat parents.

I’m not always wrong. ‘M never wrong, ‘n YOU of all people don’t have the right to tell me what I’m doin’ wrong.

I’ve got rights, ‘m American.

Actually, I’d like to be a husky. If only to shed all over people’s carpets when my coat changes for the seasons.

And I wouldn’t have mats. Maybe you’d be one of those crusty little white dogs. One of the shitty ones that barks all the time and pees everywhere.